Medical Jokes
Sex Therapy
A  couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office
The doctor asked, what can I do for you?
The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, There's nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse, and charged them$50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor
then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, just exactly what are you trying to find out?
The old man said, we're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!
By Maria M.

PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
 
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
 
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
 
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
 
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's  borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
 
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during  labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
 
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
 
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
 
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
 
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
 
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college. 
By RayD

AIDS
Gay Chip goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Chip, I am not going to beat around
the bush, You have AIDS."

Chip is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Chip asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your
ass is for."
By RayD

Doctors Visit
A man and his wife goes to the Doctors office,  the man who has a hearing
problem is there for a physical, the doctor tells the man he will need a
urine and stool sample, The man says Hunh ! The docor repeats himself I will
need a urine and stool sample, hunh ! this time the man looks at his wife and
asks what did he say?

The wife answers in a loud voice "HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR
By AlnJr2
Veterinarian
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't  need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession.  Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.
By Irene

Doctor's Funeral
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in
front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers.  When the pastor
finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their
good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
By Maria M.

Psychiatrist Visit
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a
patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply...

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never
have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then
became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with
my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was
now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my
daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my
stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told
you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also
became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she
is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my
stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on
just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my
step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but
I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in
this place?"
By Scootrbabe

The Checkup
The old man takes the old lady to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor wants to have some fun with the old man so
after the checkup he tells the old man that the problem is
serious the old ladies health is deteriorating
and the only cure is sex.
The old man says sex?
Yes, the doctor says sex you know.
How many times she must have sex?
The doctor says three times a week.
What days? the old man says.
Well, lets say Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Well, doctor Tuesday and Thursday I can but,
on Saturday I have something to do,
I can't bring her to you.
By enkon

Wooden Eye
A man was involved in a terrible car accident. Because of the accident he
lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake
eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least
expensive. A wooden eye.  
Some months pass and the mans friends come over to visit him. They are very
worried because he has not been out of the house for months. They tell him
that there is a party at another friends house that night. The man finally
agrees to go.
When they get there people are dancing and having a good time. The man finds
a seat in the corner and remains there. The friends find the man again and
tell him he needs to get up and dance. Then from across the room a women
appears. She is looking at the man sitting in the corner. The mans friends
point her out. So he walks over to her to ask her to dance. As he gets closer
he realizes she has a hair lip. He thinks to himself , what a pair we would
make. My wooden eye and her hair lip.   The man walked up to the women and
asked if she would like to dance?   And her replay is would I , would I. He
points back at her and says hair lip, hair lip.
By NPkeebler

Stephanie's Husband
Stephanie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside each and every day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, dear?" Stephanie gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"
By Albert W.

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Rubber Gloves
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a
little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting  on his surgical glove -
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank
of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up
to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up
and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the
big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

Upon hearing this explanation the woman sat stoic, not laughing the slightest bit.

A few minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she
burst out laughing.

The dentist was baffled, and asked her what was so funny.

The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make
condoms!"
By Steve C.

Shrink
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me
what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman
you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his
couch laughing until my gut hurt.

"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits
are that big."
By MARIA M. :)

Optometrist
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'

If his eyes don't flutter, say... 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add... 'Each.'
By Steve C
.
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PREGNANCY WARD
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby.
As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.
The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?"
She said, "Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have
you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her
if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once"
and he replied that that was all it took.
Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its
bottom to make it cry.
"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"
By SandraCH

Examination
A man went into the proctologist's office for his 
first exam.
The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination
room and that the doctor would be with him in just a
few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools,
he
noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the
doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly  
2. A rubber glove  
3. A beer    
When the doctor finally came in, the man said
"Look   Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first
exam.
I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what   the
glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER  is for?"    
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and
stormed
Out the door.   The doc flung the door open and yelled

Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT
By MARIA M. :)


THE PRICE
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only
hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.  It's an
experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked,  "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.  A man, unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've been used.
By Albert W
.
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Brain Reduction
A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at
the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply,
the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the
removal of over half of his brain.

The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand
new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain
tissue, so the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's
declining IQ on a nice bright LED display.  The doctor threw the
switch and the numbers began ticking off . . . 95, 94, 93 . . .

Suddenly the phone rang.  It was the doctor's wife.  They gabbed for
a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating
room, only to see the meter ticking down 6, 5, 4 . . .

He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser
was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.  "Oh my!" exclaimed
the doctor, "What have I done?  Speak to me! Say anything!"

The man looked at him and said, "I, Al Gore, announce my candidacy
for President of the United States . . ."
By scott21

A Young Doctor
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor
who was retiring. 
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on
his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if
that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor
in there?  When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash.  That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever.  I think I'll try that
at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an
elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she
once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her.  "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that
helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. 
When bent down to retrieve it,
I noticed the preacher under the bed."
By MARIA M. :)

New Doc
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out,
screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and
relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children
and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
By Steve C

Psychiatry and Proctology
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr.
Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed
"Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High
Colonics."

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began
rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and A**holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled
on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
By Tom P.
.
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Doctor Parker
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith,
would you please name the organ of the human body, which
under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its
normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy.  And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question.  Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker.  "And now, Miss Smith, I have
three things to say to you.  One, you have not studied your
lesson.  Two, you have a dirty mind.  And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
By Scott21

Physiotherapist
Four  women were playing golf. 
The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men. 
One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.   
"Please allow me to help," she begged.
"I'm a professional physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your pain."

"No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute,"
he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands over his crotch.

The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed. 
She gently took his hands away from his crotch. 
Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates.

"Does that feel better?" she asked.

"It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts like crazy."
By Angel A.

PUNK ROCKER
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker
entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of
tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that
her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off
the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing,
which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
By S.C

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Dyslexic Nurse
Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse
when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy
and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called
the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we just hired her?"
"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her to give Mr.
Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in
two hours and it
almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours
and she gave her twelve in one hour."
The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out
of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.
"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"
By GHILLIS

DRIVING TO CHICAGO
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and
finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
By Steve

Doctor's Vocabulary
When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with
you."

When the doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
What the doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."

When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."

When the doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
What the doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your
palms."

When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover
the rest."

When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."

When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the
rest of your life?"

When the doctor says: "It looks like bursitis."
What the doctor means: "Does the name "Quasimodo" ring a bell?"

When the doctor says: "This won't hurt much."
What the doctor means: "Did you bring a bullet to bite?"

When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we
figure out what it is."

When the doctor says: "We'll just remove this ingrown toenail."
What the doctor means: "A cane and orthopedic shoes should help."
By Scott21

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Giving Birth
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they
don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a
priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to
the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give
the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the
operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to
believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your
baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the
truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell
you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
By Steve


YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE IF...
  When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute
and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
 
When you tell a man you meet for the first time you're a nurse, you're expected
to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most
original and wittiest thing you've ever heard.
 
Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside
and tell a doctor to clean it up.
 
Men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about
nurses.
 
Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and
pain they have.
 
You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a
soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
 
You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
 
You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with
lots of tomato sauce.
 
You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
By Samantha21


Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse
10. If it's wet make it dry.

8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.
7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.
6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".
5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".
4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.
3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.
2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30
minutes to complain about it.
1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place:
    tape it.
By NewBoy
.
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Annual Check Up
An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said,
"Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a
good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't
turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the
night."

The doc was concerned.

"You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord
Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the
Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife
came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband
said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine
physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that
every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light
on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns
the light on for him."

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the
refrigerator!"
By Irene

GOLF COURSE
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally
gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going
on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every
way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and
wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw
them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's
still in the crate!"
By Bill K.

GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION?
A young doctor was just setting up his first office when his
secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor
wanted to make a good first impression by having the man
think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary
to show the man in.

At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and
pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. The
man waited until the "conversation" was over. Then, the
doctor put the telephone down and asked, "Can I help you?"

To which the man replied, "No, I'm just here to connect your
telephone."
By Irene

No Luck With The Ladies
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very
depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm
35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up
and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say
it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this
advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've
enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most
fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
By Steve C

Good News Bad News
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some
bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."
By Steve
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Beautiful
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in
the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes
fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered,
the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later,
her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." Startled, she asked him,
"What happened to 'beautiful?'" He replied, "The drugs are wearing
off."
By DailyComix

Poker Game
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for
poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the
doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it
serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "Why
there are three doctors there already!"
By DailyComix

Diagnostic Computer
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't
have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic
computer at the drugstore on the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes 10
seconds and costs $10.00... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a jar and takes it to the drugstore. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the
computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
5. If your don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
By Billy
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www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Watching Football
A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for
medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the football game
on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone
and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy
called again."
By DailyComix

Cars
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around
to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian,"
said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet." As they smiled and
nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.
"Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe."
By S.C

MEMORY CLINIC
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when
one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic
you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc.
It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory
clinic?
By Steve

ATTORNEY AND THE PATHOLOGIST
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a
pathologist. Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you
taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't
sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting
in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there
practicing law somewhere.
By Bill K

.
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How Long Doc?
Josh goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well.
The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in.
The doctor says, "Josh, sit down. I've got some bad news.
You don't have much time to live." Josh is obviously upset about this, but asks,
"How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."

Josh says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"

The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
By dodger16

HMO
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at
the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify
themselves. One
doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric
spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said,
"You can
enter." The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I
helped people
rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was
an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter
said, "You can
come in too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St.
Peter added, "You
can stay three days. After that, you can go to hell"
By Kick

Midget balls
Once there was a midget who complained to his buddy
that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always
talking about his aching testicles his friend suggested that he go to
the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor
& told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to
drop his pants & he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him
up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the
trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to cough, which he did.
"Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger
under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did.
"Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip,
snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his
pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he
walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching.

"What did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied..."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots!!"
By Kick

A DOCTOR AND A PATIENT
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours
to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very
bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
By Steve

THE TERMINAL DIET
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes
to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to
undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital,
and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests
and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.

It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and
pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can
get under the door."
By Bill C

Check this out, it is hard to believe what information that is
available......

A friend of mine alerted me to the following website which I could not
believed existed. The FBI and CIA public access files of records of
virtually
everyone. I still cannot believe it is this easy to find out this kind of
information. I found something in my file that I had forgotten. Big brother
at its finest. You may want to check out your file.
thecenter2000.tempsite.net/access_public_records.htm
By Tom P

THE THREE ROSES
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because
her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to
keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and does not want anyone to
find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from the operation and finds three roses carefully placed
on her nightstand. Outraged, she immediately calls the
doctor and says " I told you not to tell anyone!"
The doctor replies, "Don't worry, I didn't tell a soul!"
When the woman inquires about the roses the doctor says,
"Oh, those! The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went
through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted
me with your operation and has been through this procedure herself, so
she understands what you're going through. And the third rose is from
the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Mechanic
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of
a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was
standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you?

"Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic
was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open
hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby
will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is
doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."
By Steve
.
www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Aids or Alzheimers
A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he
takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the
man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two
things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers."
The man says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I going to do? How do I know which
one she has?"
"Well," says the doctor, "I suggest this: on your way home stop about
two blocks from home and drop her off. If she makes it home, don't fuck
her!!"
By Kellie B

Dog Tail
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need you to cut
off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make
her think she's welcome."
By Steve C

FACTS ---
Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male" 98% of males
(including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week.
(and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
(Kinsey, et al. 1948)
Current population - 134,349,027 *MEN* in the United States
(www.census.gov 7PM-EST 02/01/2000)
ASSUMPTION ---
It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

LET'S DO THE NUMBERS ---
134,349,027 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week= 403,047,081 wack-offs/week
6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
403,047,081 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 399,848 wack-offs/ten-minute-period
399,848 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 391,851 wack-offs/ten-minute-period
CONCLUSION ---
At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United States are wacking-off.

So... be careful who you shake hands with!
By Taz
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