Single Liner Jokes
A drunk staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down
but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the
drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk
mumbles, "Ain't no
use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
LIBERALS
Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his
thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why is it good to have a Liberal passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for
his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars
to bury a Liberal?
Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.
Q: What do you call a Liberal with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome
Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What is foreplay for a Liberal?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What is the Liberal doing when he holds his hands tightly over
his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.
Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said,
"I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were
smarter".
So the genie made him a Republican.
Q: What the difference between a Liberal and the rear end of a
horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q: How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.
Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: Its the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Liberal parade.
Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberals ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why don't they let Liberals swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Liberal.
Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.
Q: What's the definition of a Liberal running for Congress for the
first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: What's the difference between God and a Liberal?
A: God knows He's not a Liberal.
By Scott21
CONDOM
A tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night.
"Please, you have to come over right away," pleaded a
distraught mother, "My
child has swallowed a condom."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out of the
door, the
phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said
with a sigh of
relief. "My husband's just found another one."
URGENT - NEWS FLASH
The Worldwide News Network has reported yet another US bomb has gone
astray, striking the only brothel in Kabul and killing all eleven
camels!
What Is The Difference Between The Oakland Raiders And The Taliban?
The Taliban Have A Running Game.
What You Call A Minnesota Viking With A Super Bowl Ring?
A Thief.
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked
to take a well-known statement in a foreign language,
change a single letter and provide a definition for
the new statement:
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
*
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
*
VENI, VIPI, VICI:
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
*
COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think; therefore I am a waffle.
*
RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.
*
QUE SERA SERF:
Life is feudal
*
LEROI EST MORT, JIVE LEROI:
The king is dead. *No kidding.
*
POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous
*
PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown
*
MONAGE A TROIS:
I am three years old
*
HASTE CUISINE:
Fast French food
*
QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort
*
ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should
never know.
*
MAZEL TON:
Tons of luck
*
VISA LA FRANCE:
Don't leave your chateau without it
*
CARNE DIEM:
Seize the meat
By Vicky V.
The Images of Mother
4 years of age: My Mommy can do anything!
8 years of age: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years of age: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything
14 years of age: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either
16 years of age: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned
18 years of age: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 years of age: Well, she might know a little bit about it
35 years of age: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion
60 years of age: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years of age: Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more.
By Maria M.
Great Quotes
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake entire
relationships.
-
Sharon Stone
I discovered that I scream the same way, whether I'm
about to be devoured
by a great white, or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- Axl Rose
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like
and just give her a house.
- Rod Stewart
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
Carmen Boyle, Olympic luge
gold medal winner
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane. Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
- Henry Kissinger
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
"Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid >
problem?"
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can
fake that, you're in.
- Courteney Cox, as Monica on "Friends"
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport
for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
- Tiger Woods
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or
where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
- Barbara Bush
And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan."
-George Burns
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? "Hold my
purse."
- Sandra Bullock
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a
bitch.
- Jack Nicholson
My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what
she's reading.
- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an
attractive scrotum!"
- Patricia Arquette
Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out
a man's
genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place.
- Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful.
- Robert De Niro
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the
Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country - men not paying enough
attention to
women's breasts?
- Hugh Grant
> There's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men think, "I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfield
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams
By Albert W.
Bumper Stickers...
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little
better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek
counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the
booger.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
By Irene
For the Ladies: 19 CLUES
FOR CALLING IT A NIGHT
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in
the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look
more like Tammy Baker
than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00AM burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry
on eating.
6. You start crying. 7. There are less than three hours before
you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes
you've
smoked, because (as you've
mentioned like 10 times by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving
you
just tonic, but that's just
because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like
pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take
this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on
it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they
really want to.
By Angie C.
HUSBAND'S PRESPECTIVE
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring,
wedding ring, and suffering.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked:
"What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!"
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said:
"God, I wish I had your will power."
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?:
Two mothers-in-law.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified:
"Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
How do men define marriage?:
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking
they had no faults at all.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
If you want your wife to listen and pay
undivided attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Then there was a man who said: "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married;
and then it was too late."
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A little boy asked his father:
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
By Vicky V.
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
Man's Language
1. "I'M GOING FISHING"
Translation: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and sit in
a boat
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
2. "IT'S A GUY THING"
Translation: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and
you have no chance at all of making it logical.
3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?
4. "UH HUH", SURE", or, "YES, DEAR"
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translation: I have no idea how it works.
6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU, IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY
MIND"
Translation: I was wondering if that blonde over there has a
boyfriend.
7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD"
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR"
Translation: Are you still talking?
9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS"
Translation: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of
every
car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE
ROSES"
Translation: The girl selling them was real cute.
11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG
DEAL"
Translation: I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to
death
before I admit that I'm hurt.
12. "HEY. I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING"
Translation: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
13. "I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless.
14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translation: What did you catch me at?
15. "I HEARD YOU"
Translation: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I
am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
have to
spend the next three days yelling at me.
16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Translation: I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it
could be much worse.
17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translation: Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving.
18. "I'M NOT LOST, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE"
Translation: No one will ever see us alive again.
By albert W.
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than
Cats:
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand
every word you say.
Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick
your face.
Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die.
Cats will
make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats
don't
care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in
your
slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to
you.
Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats
will have
someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats
will play
with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that
look like
they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly
sneak
out the back door.
By Albert W.
SIGNS of our times
On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no
charge,
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if
you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed
up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
By Maria M.
Shorts
It's much easier to pick on rich old ladies in fur coats;
than big bikers in leather jackets.
Q: What's the difference between a coffin and a condom?
A: Apart from they both carry stiffs, ones for coming and ones
for going.
Q: Have you heard about the new
combination aphrodisiac and laxative?
A: Its called easy cum, easy go.
When Mary had a little lamb the
doctors were surprised,
But when old Macdonald had a farm they couldn't believe their eyes.
Q: How do you make a kleenex dance?
A: Blow a boogie into it.
Q:What's
red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in salt.
By Richard John
Questions And Answers
Q. What occurs more often in
December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV
show?
A. No theme song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name
requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter
"A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in
common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of
the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the
most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
By Vicky V
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
The Bitter Truth About Men & Women
Q. What should you do if you see your
ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's
penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
OR
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of
their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him
to pick only one.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. What the difference between most men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need,
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. ...By giving her money, furs and diamond...!
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
By Vicky V.
Bumper Stickers
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors
had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming
and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
By
Albert W.
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
Air Traffic Humor
The controller who was working a busy pattern told
the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a
complete circle, usually to provide spacing between
aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It
costs us two thousand dollars to make a
three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied,
"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
__________________________________________
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after
landing when his approach speed was just a little
too fast.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light
to return to the airport.
__________________________________________
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure
...
by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of
dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff.
Contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report
from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.
We've already notified our caterers."
______________________________________________
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this
...
I've got that Fokker in sight!"
By Scott21
Mother-in-Laws
One
cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my
mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
*****
What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.
*****
How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
*****
How many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
Just one ... mine!
*****
How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None ... she always gets the son-in-law to do it.
*****
Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that
he has
only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law,
because
living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.
From
Msn Board
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
A Woman's Thoughts on Life!
1.Your
secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the
floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you
could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!
7. If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who
Cares.
8. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
9. "Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that,
can't remember!
10. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
11. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
12. Take my advice, I'm not using it!
13. Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
14. You know you're getting old when you stop to
think and forget to start
again.
15. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
you for cleaning my face with spit on
a hanky.
16. I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which
one of the kids would you like?
17. I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose
change!
18. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
climb the fence!
19. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
20. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down
till the feeling passes.
BY
MARIA
M. :)
SENILITY
PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to
tell the
difference.
As I've grown older (but refused to grow up) I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to
play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
By
Albert W
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
Marriage
Remember
marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE!
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always!
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the
TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked
at him and
said, "I wish I had
your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in
every
country, son.
A man inserted an ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have
mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it
once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy:
"You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry
done
for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all!
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get
married? And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
paying
By MARIA
M. :)
Food for Thought...
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in
common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the Hell out of the dog.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What's the difference between Jesse Jackson and a door knob?
A. Not a whole lot.
Q. What's the best way to a woman's heart.
A. Left side of her chest, through the breast plate.
Q. Why is a dog "man's best friend"?
A. He never argues and he's always happy to see you.
Q. Why are they called the Atlanta Braves?
A. Ever seen the girls there?
By Tim Mars
TEN
SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP H.M.O
#10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
#9. Directions to your doctor's office include,
"take a left when you enter the trailer park."
#8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
#7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus"
from Roto-Rooter.
#6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage
is "an apple a day."
#5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing
the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
#4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of
out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
#3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming fluid.
#2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in
different colors with little "m"s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO:
#1. You ask for Viagra; you get a popsicle stick and
duct tape.
By Steve C.
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
AWomans
Dictionary
Airhead
(er*hed)
n.
What a woman intentionally becomes, when pulled over by a
policeman.
Argument
(ar*gyou*ment)
n.
A discussion that occurs, when you're right, but
he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance
the checkbook
(bal*ens
da chek*buk) v. To
go to the cash machine and
hit "inquire".
Bar-be-que
(bar*bi*q)
n. You
bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and
cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Blonde
jokes
(blond
joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe
(kant*e*lope)
n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes
dryer (kloze
dri*yer) n. An
appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet
Soda
(dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.
Eternity
(e*ter*ni*tee)
n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise
(ex*er*siz)
v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to
make a purchase.
Grocery
List
(grow*ser*ee
list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then
forget to take with you to the store.
Hair
Dresser
(hare
dres*er) n.
Someone, who is able to create a style, you
will never be able to duplicate again. See also
"Magician".
Hardware
Store
(hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space...if he
goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth
(child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he
gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good
Girl!"
Lipstick
(lip*stik)
n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park
(park)
v./n. Before
children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and
neck". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set
and slide.
Patience
(pa*shens)
n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and
children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's
Day
(val*en*tinez dae) n. A
day ,when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself
lucky to get
a card.
Waterproof
Mascara
(wah*tr*pruf
mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower,
or swim, but will not come off, if you try to remove it.
Zillion
(zil*yen)
n. The
number of times you ask someone to take out the
trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
By
Maria M.:)
GEORGE
CARLINISMS
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing
night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of
what they
already know we don't have any of?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your
two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin
with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you
get a
Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who
drives
a race car not called a racist?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in
"anagram"?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange,
silver, or purple?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a
project, I
end
it?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could
it
be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be
called a
Portugoose?
Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
Single Liners deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked
and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell
you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather
because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle
gangs?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he
become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland
called "Holes?"
By Albert W.
www.jokes4us.com<back
to top>
REALLY, REALLY BAD HEADLINES
Double Meanings From Around The World
-------------------------------------
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
By Albert
THE
TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:
Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
Viagra, Home of the whopper
Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any
questions?
By Albert
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