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Money Jokes


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Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?
A: Let's get together and make some cents.

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!

Q: What is Barack Obama's new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!

Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.

Q: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they?
A: A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn't a nickel.

Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.

Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks"
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money
Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)

Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: What did the midget say when I asked him for a dollar?
A: "Sorry, I'm a little short"

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
A: The Leprechan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!

Q: Why are guys calling information in Bangkok?
A: To save money on phone sex!

Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane walk into the propellers!

Q: How is the moon like a dollar?
A: They both have 4 quarters.

Q: Why did the girl put two quarters in her ear?
A: To hear 50 Cent

Q: What coin doubles in value when half is deducted?
A: A half dollar.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: Why shouldn't you lend a anthropologist money?
A: They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $4.99 a minute.

Q: Why can't Lebron James shop at the dollar store?
A: Because he only has 3 quarters!

Q: Why did the man keep throwing Monopoly Money at the stripper?
A: Because she kept putting fake tits in his face!

Q: What do stockbrokers say to each other when they want the other person to shut up?
A: Put a stock in it!

Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.

Q: How do you know Nadya Suleman's (Octo-Mom) getting pretty desperate for money?
A: Four of her kids are already working for Nike!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a Leprechan?
A: They're always a little short.

Q: How did Bernie Madoff get the idea for a ponzi scheme (where you use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.)
A: Social Security!

Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce?
A: Ten grand!

Q: What did the cent say to the Dollar?
A: You make no cents.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because itís worth it.

Q: How did the Banker die?
A: He Cashed Out

Q: Where do seagulls invest their money?
A: In the stork market!

Q: What do corn use for money?
A: Corn "Bread."

Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A: A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!

Q: Why did Bank Of America want to return all the government bailout money ASAP?
A: Because they were upset at all the hidden fees!

Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: Do you know 50 Cent's half brother's name?
A: 25 Cent.

Q: What do you find in between the couch?
A: M&M's and fifty cent

Q: If Bill Gates collapses right in front of you, what's the first thing you do?
A: Grab his wallet.

Q: Where do penguins keep their money?
A: In a snow bank!

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: How did Mitt Romney make hundreds of millions of dollars?
A: By turning $21 an hour jobs into $9 an hour jobs

Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back

Q: What's the difference between Former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Q: What do fish use for money?
A: Sand dollars!

Q: Where does a fish keep his money
A: In the River Bank!

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, simply didn't know where to shop.

When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

Money is not the root of all evil, Jealousy is.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

If time is money are ATMs time machines

Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back.

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money id just laugh and search with them

If I had a dollar for every lie Mitt Romney tells the American people, I would be in his tax bracket

Roger Goodell: 'I've take more money away from black athletes than child support."

Two coins meet,the first coin said: Hi,I'm 20 cents.The second coin said:What a coincidence,I'm 20 cents too!
Funny part:COINcidence

Getting Paid
An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.


Little Jacob
Little Jacob is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid jew.
Their favorite joke is to offer Jacob his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Jacob always takes the nickel.

One day, after Jacob takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Jacob, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Jacob grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Roll Of Quarters
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.

He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there.

He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

$20
A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, "Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter."

Little Guy
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone.
He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.

The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.

So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."

The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"

"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."

Cheap Drunk
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Sausage
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on St Patricks Day, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"

Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

Young Woman
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Custody Case
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"


Currency Exchange
"A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

New CEO
There was a new CEO at a company who decided to fire all of the slackers, and when he gets done with that, he finds a dude leaning on his desk.
He thinks "What the #$%#@ is he doing!?"
So he walks up to the guy and says "What the #$%#@ are you doing!?"
The guy says "I'm waiting to get paid."
The CEO says "OK, how much do you get paid in a week?"
The guy says "About $300."
The CEO gives the guy $1200, and says "Now go away and never come back!"
The guy walks away.
The CEO says "Will someone please tell me what the #$%#@ I just did!?"
An employee says "You just tipped the pizza man $1200."

Delivery Room
A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present.
The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you your baby is black.
The woman says "Well I was in desprate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black."
The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of my business.
The woman didnt seem to mind.
The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes.
The woman says "They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and she needed the money."
The nurse brings the woman her baby and the mother turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry.
The nurse yelled "What the hell are you doing?"
The woman looks the nurse square in the eyes and says "I wanted to make sure it didnt bark too."

Crumpled Up A woman said to her cheating husband "Do you want to see a crumpled up $50"
And he said "yes" So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him.
Then she said "do you want to see a crumpled up $100"
And he said "yes" So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him.
Then she said " Do you want to see a crumpled up $50,000 and he said "yes"
So she said go look for your car in the garage then.


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