More Adult Jokes
What a Difference 30 year makes!
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux
1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with
your children
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or
Elizabeth Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid
1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"
By Ireni
www.jokes4us.com
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A 7 And 4 Year Olds
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?, "says the 7 year old, "I think it's about
time we
started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go
downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass',
O.K.?"
"O.K." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what
he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your
ass it
won't be Cheerios."
By fratpart1
Typewriter
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to
indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in
on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband
told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your
mommy that daddy
needs to type a letter." The child told her
mom what her dad said
and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy
that he can't type a
letter right now because there's a red
ribbon in the
typewriter." The child went back to tell her father
what mommy had said.
A few days later the
mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he
can type that letter
now."
The child told her
father, and then returned to
her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already
wrote the letter by hand."
By Damnisu
www.jokes4us.com
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News Items From Around The World...
1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire
at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder:
he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
2. Laborer Alexander
Robinson of Mobile, Alabama,
redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes
after surgery to restore his sight and said:
agreeably to his wife:
'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'
3. The chef at a hotel
in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and,
after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance
company.
The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have
a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.
4 . Mourners at the funeral of
Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania,
were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman
bounded into the nearest road,
where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
5. An American tourist in
South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees
as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into
the river -
and was devoured by piranha fish.
6 . A Malaysian monkey that
had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated
a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the
shoulders
of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off.
The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
7. In Fort Lauderdale,
Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up
his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy
pistol.
8. A man who shoveled snow for
an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago
returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her dead.
9. One of the criteria by
which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was
'taste in clothing'
10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,
a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was
supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the
queue a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
The stories from ER:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the
wrong one.
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com
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American Tourist
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for
dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish
arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring
today," explained the
waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it
delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After
he finished
the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones
are much
saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull,
he does not always lose."
By Zoe77
Kidnapped Wife
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his
house
he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find
her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she
hasnt
been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
By Larry55
Horny
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help
me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning
flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I
carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during
the ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea
time, I
go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a
good
boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I
give the
wife another screw......."
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your
problem???"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
By Scott21
www.jokes4us.com
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O and o
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court
before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and pursued them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the
judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did
you
do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do
that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small
circle and
told them,
"This is your asshole before prison...."
By Irene
Sexual Exhaustion
A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.
She also tells them that there will be no excuse
for failing to show up,
except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate
family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up
and asks the teacher out
loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The
entire class has all it
can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to
stifle its laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically
at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"You can write with your
other hand then."
By Irene
Dormitory Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How
much for a season pass?"
By Scott21
The Hippie
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits
down next
to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She
stands
up, and
gets off
at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can
tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the
cemetery
every
Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is
dress up
in a robe
with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff
in your
beard, and pop
up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie
decides
to give it a
try,
and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on
the next
Tuesday night.
"I
am God," he
declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with
me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to
restrict
himself to
anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her
virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with
her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a
flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"
By Tom P.
www.jokes4us.com
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Pearly Gates
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are
forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I
have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven
because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will
depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How
long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy
said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from
Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated
on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked
it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look
at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto
saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he
said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
By Steve C
The Worst Death
3 men who all died on the same day were at the
entrance to heaven when god announced that only 1 of
the men will make it in.
The criteria was that the person who died the worst
death will make it in.
God asks the first man how he died he replies
Well for the last 3 weeks I have suspected that my
wife has been cheating on me so I came home early to
catch her in the act.
When I arrive home I hear the shower running so I
search the house for him. I check every room so
eventually I go out on to the verandah, then I see him
hanging on the ledge by his fingers so I jump up and
down on his hands he still holds on. So I get the
hammer and slam his fingers he let's go and falls.
he survives so I get the fridge (which weighs a ton)
and lob it over the edge crushing him
I felt so bad that I killed him I got my gun and shot
myself. That is how I died
The second man explains his story
well it was the afternoon and I was doing my exercises
of my verandah on the 12 floor. When I slipped and
fell off the balcony, luckily I only fell 3 floors and
managed to grab the railing on that balcony I was
hanging on for grim death when some idiot started
jumping on my fingers I clung on so the fool gets a
hammer and bashes my fingers until the bones break so
I fell. I could not believe my luck when I landed in
a bush surviving the fall the last thing I remember is
this fridge hurtling at me.
That is how I died.
The 3rd man explains how he died
Picture this...............I'm hiding naked in a
fridge.
By Brett Dal Salvo
www.jokes4us.com
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Arkansas Razorbacks
The president got off the helicopter in
front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Nice pigs, sir". The president replied, "These
are
not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied, "Nice trade, sir."
By Tom P.
Shipwrecked
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.
Then
one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the
horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down
shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water
from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the
shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero,
"I thought I was
never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped
all that time on
your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;
there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without
sex!".
"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore
washing my
feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried
in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been
nine
and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the
genuinely
shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got
out
of step."
By Geoplus33
Drunk Talk
Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one
says:
"You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't
bend it with
both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I
tried
really hard.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm 60
next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your
point?"
"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going
to get."
By Stancloski55
www.jokes4us.com
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Bear Hunting
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go Bear
hunting with me,
I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.
Make up your mind before I get back.
"The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well
what's it gonna be?
"She say's, "There's no way I'm going Bear hunting
and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob.
"A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and
says,
"Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah," he
replies,
"The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."
By kick
Forgetful Actor
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give
him
a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold
the rose to
your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and
then say the
line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his line
over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto
the stage,
and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma
of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and
the director
was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined
me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my
line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the
rose!"
By Steve
Rude Drunk
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up
to them, and
points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best
sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk
comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it
was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to
the far end
of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
"Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
By Steve
www.jokes4us.com
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TELETUBBIE TEST
The following psychological test was developed by
a think tank of top U.S. and
European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in
describing your
personality with one simple question:
Which is your favorite Teletubbie:
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
Profile for women...
A. You chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful.
People come to
you when troubled because you always make them feel better about
themselves. You
are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people.
B. You chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You
have many
ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away
from Green
Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. You chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family
plays a
major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please
others.
Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. You chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are
fierce in
your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through
thick and
thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
Profile for men...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
By Steve
Sunbathing
A rather well proportioned young lady,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the
hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, being a naturist,
she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she
slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she
heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear.
"Excuse me, miss,"
said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you
did yesterday."
"What difference does it
make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a
towel."
"Not exactly,"
said the embarrassed little man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
By Emily67
Prostitute
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous
babe
walking in on the arm of some ugly man.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that
she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the
night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and
approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What
can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do
you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a
handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!! For a handjob?
Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out
there?" The guy looks out the front door,
and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs.
"Trust me, it's worth
it."
The guy mulls it over for a
while, and decides what the hell.
He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's
ever had.
This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his
miserable life.
The next night he's back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was
incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my
blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's
ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment
building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on
blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the
guy decides to go for it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed.
He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain
himself until she shows up.
I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some
pussy?"
She motions for him to follow
her outside.
She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see
Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't
mean that!"
She nods her head.
"You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
By Roddy21
Butt Fucking
Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled
room.
The Fire Chif walks in and says,
What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth.
One of the fireman says:
I did how do you think all this shit got started...............
By Kaylatod
Skydiving
A man goes skydiving for
the first time. After listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of
the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute.
He pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both
cords, but to no
avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man
is in the air
with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes
by, the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey,
do you know
anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?"
By SteveC
www.jokes4us.com
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The New Priest
The
new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before
his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he
could relax.
The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some
vodka in
the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go
smoothly.”
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice
and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great,However, upon
returning to the
rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big
“T’
5. The recommended grace before meals is not
“ rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God.”
6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ
and his apostles as “J.C. and
The boys”.
7. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the
shit out of him.”
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are
never referred to as“Big Daddy,
Junior and, The Spook”.
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never
“Mary with the Cherry”.
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy
pulling contest
as St. Peters.There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy’s.
11. Jesus was Consecrated, NOT constipated.
12. Jesus said,“Take this and eat it, for it is my body,
“he did not say,
“Eat me.”
13. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn’t “beat his ass.”
David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn’t
“stoned off his
ass.”
By
Lullu
Absolutely
One day a teacher was asking her class to use
absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or
has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said
"the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in
farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said,
" well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!"
By Bigone
Local Supermarket
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She
selects some milk, some
eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her
items
at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line
watches her
place the four items on the belt and states with assurance,
"You must be
single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing
unusual about her selection says,
"That's right. How on earth did you know?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com
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Bank Robber
After a long two-week
criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case, the
jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the
courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury
foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as
he motioned for the
bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it
to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict
slip back to
his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,
"Please
read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank
robbery," stated
the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of
the "not
guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of
divine
gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,
"So, what do
you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered
look on his
face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real
confused here.
Does this mean that I have to return the money?"
By Steve C
200 Bucks
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his
buddy's
wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the
greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could
just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's
worth
one hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws
100
bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says
"They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll
give you another 100 bucks
if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and
gives
Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her
breasts into
his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes.
Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says
he
can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know
your weird
friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, ...
did he drop
off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
By Steve C.
www.jokes4us.com
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Convict
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was
on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't
seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm
so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He
told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."
By Sopho
Horny Indian
One very hot dry day, a local cowboy visited the reservation.
He went there from time to time to mingle with the Indians.
There was this one Indian that the cowboy has become friends with.
This Indian from pretty much a loner from all the other tribe.
He was all alone, his parents got killed in battle, an he had no
squaw that he claimed as his own.
This cowboy felt sorry for the lonely Indian.
He told him that he could help him overcome being so lonely.
But, he would have to go into the nearby town.
Told him to go into the town saloon and walk up to the bar.
There would be a lady standing behind the bar.
Tell her that you want a woman, she will take care of you.
I will tell her to be expecting you.
Next day the Indian went into town and walked up to the bar in the
saloon.
The Indian began this conversation with the lady.
Indian: Me want a woman.
Lady: How much money do you have?
Indian: What is money!
Lady: It is something that you must have to spend time with one of
my girls.
She explained to the Indian what money was. So the Indian left and
told her that he would return. A couple of days pasted and the
Indian returned. He approached the bar.
Indian: Me want a woman.
Lady: Did you get you any money?
Indian: Yea, me got plenty of money.
Lady: Do you have any experience with a woman?
Indian: What you mean by experience?
Lady: You have to be experienced to spend time with my girls.
The Lady explained to the Indian how he could get his experience.
Lady: You go to the mountains and find a big tree. Make sure it is
one that has a knot hole in it.
You will be able to get all the experience you wish.
Then when you feel that you have all the experience that you can
get.
You can come back here and I will have one of my girls take care of
your needs.
The Indian left the town and went up into the mountains.
One week passed by before the Indian returned.
The next week the Indian returned to the saloon.
He was very angry and very aggressive with the lady behind the
counter.
Indian: Me want a woman, an me want woman right now!
Lady: Have you gotten any experience since you were here last?
Indian: Me got all kinds of experience, an a bag full of money. Me
want woman now.
Lady: All right! Follow me to the top of the stairs.
The Indian followed her to the top of the steps to a door.
He opened the door and there stood the most lovely woman he had ever
seen.
He closed the door behind him and walked up to the woman.
She asked, "What would you like for me to do?" The woman
began removing all of her clothes also the Indian.
The Indian asked, "Turn around and bend-em over and touch your
toes."
She liked that ideal, so she turned around and bent over like the
Indian ask.
The Indian stepped up behind the woman and pulled back his leg and
kicked her in the ass.
The woman jumped up in surprise. She ask the Indian, "What in
the hell did you have to do that for?"
The Indian looked at the woman and replied,
"me checking for bees in that knot hole."
By Gizmo
www.jokes4us.com
<back to
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Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with
teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
medium sized ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection
of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others
clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together
in the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize
from the bottom shelf."
By Irene
Divorce Proceedings
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his
wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first
caused you to entertain
suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man
testified. "So naturally
when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday
morning," he continued,
"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the
old lady in the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'
By Claytrip
Out-Of-State Friend
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected
blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple
has no guest
room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his
way in the
morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big
enough for all three of us,
and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before
long they're
settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over
to the
friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd
like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your
husband! He'll
wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound
sleeper, he'll never
notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He
won't even
wake up."
So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough,
she's right.
Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his
ass. So, she
and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the
bed.
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the
bed, asking
him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is
yanked from the
husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for
about half the
night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to
her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I
don't mind that
you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my asshole as
your
scoreboard?"
By Steve C
Gossip
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly
accused her
neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup
truck parked
outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that
evening, he
parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all
night.
By Steve
Hemorrhoids
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his
doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use
them the young
man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and
bends over
and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.
All of a
sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's
only me."
By Steve
Custer's Last Stand
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall
so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of
the last thing that
went through Custer's mind before he died.
I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I
expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
finished work.
To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo.
Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual
positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?"
screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist
smugly.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked
for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"
"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it,
'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians'
By Julie
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