Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
Q: If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"?
A: The swallow.
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off
Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
Q: What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep?
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.
Q: Why don't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: What did Justin Timberlake sing to the hot black girl?
A: I got this feelin' inside my balls....
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live?
A: In the hood.
Q: What's the cure for marriage?
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because North Korean long-range missiles can't go that far.
Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger
Q: What's a porn star's favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys?
A: Steve Nash.
Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Why is the IRS going after Stormy Daniels?
A: Because she didn't declare all her "gross" income.
Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!
Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
You know if you die from the Coronavirus, even your death will be Made In China.
Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.
Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Q: Why don't black people go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A: A little get together.
Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!
Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber.
What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A: He was shooting for the stars.
Q: What do girls and noodles have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: Because he was looking for Pooh
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something
If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
Q: Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie?
A: She wasn't
Q: Why does no one die a virgin?
A: Cause life fucks us all.
Q: What do you call two fat people talking?
A: A heavy discussion.
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.
I hear Bill Cosby likes Pudding.....
Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don't make me cum in there.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!
Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que que que.
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls
Q: How do you rape a camel?
A: One hump at a time.
Q: What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs?
Q: Why did the semen cross the road?
A: I wore the wrong socks today.
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!
Q: What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist?
A: One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?
A: He got behind in his work.
Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A: a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other?
A: Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again.
Q: What's the difference between a redneck and poor white trash?
A: a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Q: What is the metric equivalent of 69?
A: 1 ate 1.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What's 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a shit (think about it)
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What do Instagram models eat?
A: Dick Picza
Q: How can you tell that you have Africanized bees?
A: The honey tastes like malt liquor.
Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on a head while I give these two a lift!
Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
Q: What do you call 2 jalapenos having sex?
A: Fucking hot!
Q: What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?
A: Oh sheeeeet.
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
A: They are both fun to ride till a friend sees you on them...
Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Q: Why is 88 better than 69?
A: Because you get eight twice!
Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A: a Selfie!
Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!
Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party?
A: Put a sign up that says "no nudity"
Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.
Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves
Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?
A: 2 Bullets
Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles
Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without dressing.
Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants?
A: Depends on the length of the perch.
Q: Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook?
A: Getting raped by jack the ripper.
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?
A: youseen memuff
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.
Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What's the difference between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid and you don't
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None they just beat the room for being black.
Q: What do you call a girl with no feet?
Q: What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans on?
A: A white girl's bottom
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: What did the letter O say to Q?
A: Dude, your dick is hanging out.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
Q: What do doctors prescribe for a sore asshole?
A: Bengay. ("Been gay.")
Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Q: What's black, white, and red all over and doesn't fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.
Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they don't poke her eye out.
Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A: A fruit roll up.
Q: What do you call a dictator who wants to save the environment?
A: Adolph Hipster.
Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it, we're closed.
Q: Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children?
A: He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop.
Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking.
Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: How do you bring a man back from the dead?
A: You suck on his dick until he cums back.
Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn't last forever.
Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair!
Q: Whats black and eats pussy?
A: Cervical cancer!
Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
Q: What's the worse side effect of "the pill"?
Q: Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A: A white owl says, "hoot, hoot" a black owl says, "who dat, who dat"
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File.
Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Whats 10 Blocks Long and has never had sex?
A: The line for the new Call of Duty game.
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven was a registered six offender.
Q: Why did the Indians come to America first?
A: Because they had reservations.
Q: How did you get a fat chick into bed?
A: A Piece of Cake.
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!
Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile
Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?
A: When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was "The Wall"
Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.
Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool?
A: Rice Krispies
Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a chicken?
A: A clucking gobbler.
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
A: A fuckin know-it-all!
Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."
Q: What do you call a judge with no balls?
A: Justice Prick
Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
A: Two flies in a bottle.
Q. Why can't the post office put Charlie Sheen on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.
Q: What do you call lesbian twins?
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!
Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick!
Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips!
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares?
A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A: A Fire Cracker!
Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?
A: Tai Nee
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: Whats the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on!
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: Why did God create orgasms?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy
Q: What's worst than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
A: He got himself into a real stew.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."
Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q: Why do Asian girls have small boobs?
A: Because only A's are acceptable
Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
Q: What's the difference between a retard and a pencil?
A: The Pencil will eventually get the point.
Q: What do you call a white guy with a huge dick?
A: Michael Jackson
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.
Q: What do you call Iron Man without his suit?
A: Stark naked!
Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours.
Followed by a global food shortage.
Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!
Q: Why did Pizza Hut stop delivering pizza to the ghetto?
A: Cuz they were told that Dominoes was always getting played!
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!
Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
A: Your mom can't take a joke.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: What do you call a persian that smokes pot?
A: Harry Potter!
Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?
A: Cumming of Age.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!
Q: What do you call a gangster hobbit?
A: YOLO SWAGGINS
Q: What do pimps and farmers have in common?
A: They both need a hoe to stay in business.
Q: How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game?
A: Call B52
Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
A: The NBA.
Q: What's warm, wet, and pink?
A: a pig in a hot tub.
Q: What is the most common crime in China?
A: Identity Fraud.
Q: What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
A: Seizure Salad
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off?
A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow?
A: So you know if you're cumming or going
Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A: Shoot him in the face!
Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
A: A urination.
Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?
A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there.
Q: What's the best part of gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
Q: What do you call a Chinese rapist?
A: Rai Ping Yu
Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster?
A: She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!
If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.
Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.
Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls
Q: What do u call hooker that likes it in her ass?
A: a crack whore
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Q: Did you hear about the hitman who's also a janitor at the aquarium?
A: He sweeps with the fishes!
Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl.
Q: Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested?
A: He was charged with battery.
Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: A Chinese telephone.... "Wing wing alo?"
Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom?
A: Finding a box of tissues next to it.
Q: Why does a cat lick his own dick?
A: Because he can't make a fist
Q: How do you eat a squirrel?
A: You spread its little legs.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.
Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?
A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.
Q: Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid?
A: He said he could stop anytime
Roses are red that much is true
but violets are purple not fucking blue.
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.
If my wife finds out, she'll f**king kill me.
Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher?
Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake number.
Girl: My favorite number is 16
Girl: because you get 8 (ate) twice!
It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet.
How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside
Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.
Once you go Asian, you never miss an equation.
I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has u in it. But, 'quickie' has u & i together.
When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?
Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls
I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.
Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high!
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people... But it needs more work
Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes...
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!
Why is it called "taking a dump" when you are leaving one!
I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that b*tch go everywhere.
White people fairy tales: Once upon a time.
Black people fairy tales: Yall motherfuc*as ain't believe dis' shit!
A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.
Real men don't wear pink, they eat it.
A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run."
So she bent over next thing she new there was a sharp pain she said "R U N"
The perverted guy said "As far as I can go."
Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.