Kiddie Jokes
Kids In Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next
to each other, outside
the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was
born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
By MM
A Barrage Of Kid Humor
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one
little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what
God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After
explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy
mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents
that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did
that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy,"
admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me
catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette
hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her
mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this
revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come
ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of
kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed
his mother that there were two boy kittens and two
girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he
replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy
of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be
to look at it when you are all grown up and say:
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer," or "That's
Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of
the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's
dead".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he
said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as
you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in
the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why
is it
that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A
little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister
that was expected at his house. One day the mother
allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn
child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but
he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling
his teacher about the impending event. The teacher
finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever became of that baby brother or sister you
were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and
confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher
said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up
two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room
asked, "How will that help
Young Golfer
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few
hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could
get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to
tee off
an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the
young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he
allowed the
old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a
tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and
directly
between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating
how to hit
the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your
age I'd hit
the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed
before him, the
youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of
the tree
trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had
originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of
course, when I was
your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall......."
Happy Bride
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her
life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So, why's the groom wearing black?"
By RayD
Shut up, Mind your own business, and Trouble:
There
were these 3 guys named Shut up, Mind your own business and Trouble.
Well
Trouble was hanging out the window when he fell out. But they kept
on going.
So their driving a long when a cop pulls them over.
Cop: May you please state your names?
Shut up: Shut up and Mind your own business.
Cop: What are you names?
Shut up: Shut up and Mind your own business.
Cop: I'm going to ask you 1 more time what are your names?
Shut up: Shut up and Mind your own business.
Cop: Are you looking for trouble?
Shut up: Ya we lost him 5 mile back!!!!!!!!
By:
K.M.M.
PIGMY
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead
dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he
asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said
"Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you
kill a huge beast like that?"
said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us."
By Nick X.
THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.
I will scorch my bottom along the grass to rid myself
of hangers-on.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of
someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunches" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the
backyard after
processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom
end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I
hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard
with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's
laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the
"perfect" place to poop.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is
standing on a slippery grass slope.
By Vicky V
Einstein Picasso Bush
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates,
Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but
you
have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into
Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I
have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and
chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe
with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of
relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE
Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter
asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and
chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a
truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist
you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and
Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can
you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein
and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
By Maria M
School Answering Machine
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of
your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
please listen
to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent--Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work--Press 2.
To complain about what we do--Press 3.
To cuss out staff members--Press 4.
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and
several bulletins mailed to you--Press 5.
If you want us to raise your child--Press 6.
If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone--Press 7.
To request another teacher for the third time this year--Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation--Press 9.
To complain about school lunches--Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework, and
that it is NOT the teacher's fault for your children's lack of
effort-HANG UP
By Vicky V
www.jokes4us.com
<back to top>
Forrest Gump
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is
met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed
however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the
place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need
to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St.Peter. I was
looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test
as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but
the test I have for you is only three questions.
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam
questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have
had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your
answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week
begin with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest!
That's not what I was
thinking, but....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk
and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be
twelve."
Astounded St. Peter says,"Twelve!? Twelve!? Forrest, how
in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a
year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second,
February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're
going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't
quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one,
too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me
God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can
understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in
the world
did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied
"I learned it from the song.....
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS
OWN"
By Vicky V
Little Leprechaun
A little boy asked his teacher if he could
go to the bathroom, so she said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper so, he
used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do
you have in yourhand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand
he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office the principal asked him
"What do you have in your hand?" So the little boysaid,
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared
away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have
in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "Mom, its a little leprechaun, and if
I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room until his dad came in and said, "What
do you have in
your hand?" "So again the little boy said, "A little
leprechaun and if open
my hands he'll get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands
NOW!"
And the little boy said, "Oh great Dad, now look what you did,
you scared the **** out of him!"
By Vicky V
Old Couple
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends'
home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
addressed his wife
with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost
70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man
leaned over and said to his buddy,
"I think it's wonderful that,
after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those loving
pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you
the truth, he said.
"I forgot her name about ten years ago."
By Maria M
The
Remote Control
The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after
ringing up my purchase.
As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a
television set in my
purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was
the most evil thing I could do to him!"
By Steve C.
Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN
This is the actual radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second
largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with
three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I
DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees
north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or
counter-measures
will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
By Vicky V.
Some answers to the Mess
in Florida
Coca Cola announced today that, starting
immediately, all cans of soda
destined for Palm Beach County, Florida will be clearly stamped on
the
bottom
"OPEN AT OTHER END!"
*****************************
The Florida Department of Transportation has finally come up with a
reason
for all the intersection accidents in Palm Beach County, Florida. No
one
knows what the arrows mean!
*****************************
Newly released statistic: 87% of the 'blue hairs' in Palm
Beach County,
Florida used to be blondes.
*****************************
A recount has been ordered of all bingo card winnings over
the past five
years in Palm Beach County, Florida.
*****************************
It was a simple mistake in Palm Beach County, Florida. After
all, the
names
'Gore and Buchanan' look almost exactly alike when printed out.
*****************************
There is already a book out called "Voting For
Dummies". In order for it
to
sell in Palm Beach County, Florida, they'll have to first teach most
of the
people to read.
*****************************
Everyone in Palm Beach County, Florida Believes in the Ten
Commandments
but
78% of them also believe you can choose five of them.
*****************************
Doctor's have discovered the problem with Palm Beach County,
Florida
voters. 68% of them are dyslexic. They thought the word
"vote" was "veto".
*****************************
The problem with the ballot in Palm Beach County, Florida
stems from the
fact that it is largely a retirement area. 77% of the retirees use
to be
lawyers. That's the segment who asked for another chance to
vote...they
thought they were filing an appeal.
By Albert W
Challenge
Mets to challenge World Series in Court
NEW YORK (AP) The New York Mets announced today that they are going
to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of
the World Series.
The batting, pitching and bench coaches for the Mets held a press
conference earlier today.
They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.
"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,"
said the
Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the
irregularities of the
pitches we received and believed we have been denied our right to
hit".
One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets
batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at
curve balls.
It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve
balls,
though a much higher percentage we not confused by the pitches.
Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had
extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World
Series and had in fact faced the Yankee in inter-league play earlier
in the year.
"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and
denied us of
our rights to hit," said the Mets batting coach.
"The World Series
is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."
Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World
Series games and recounted the balls and strikes call by the umpires
of each game.
"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in
fact,
balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the
World Series," the commissioner said.
Another portion of the Mets legal claim states that, based on
on-base
percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless
of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we
were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets
spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours.
It's the will of the people."
The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging
in some light jogging for exercise.
He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run
its course without a rush to judgement."
By Altalook
The New School Prayer
This was written by a teen in Bagdad,
Arizona.
This is incredible!!!!!!
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at
all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like
freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the
Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth
controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem
poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
It's scary here I must confess, When
chaos
reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
By Albert W.
Veterinary Clinic
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary
clinic. As he
lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope,
placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the
vet
shook
his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed
away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell?
You haven't done
any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he
returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to
work,
checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook
his head and said "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few
moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the
table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and
said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran
out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's
owner
went beserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is
outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken
my
word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the
cat scan..."
By Albert W.
Stumpy and Martha
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair
every year. Every year
Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And
every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane
ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year I may
never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that
there airplane
ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word
it's
ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but
not a
word or a squeal is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but
still
not a word or a sound.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did
everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't
charge
you the ten dollars. The ride is free".
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha
fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars."
MARIA M. :)
Caring Child
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked
about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the
little boy said
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"
By Viki
Adoption
Teacher of the first graders were discussing a
picture of a family.
One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the
other family members.
One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said,
"I know all about adoptions because I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means," said the girl,
"that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her
tummy."
By Viki
Doctor And Child
A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a
check up. As the doctor looked
down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll
find Big Bird in
here?" The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.
He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down
there?"
Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope
to her chest.
As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked,
"Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh,
no!" the little girl replied.
"Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
By Viki
Discouraged
As I was driving home from work one day,
I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was
being played in a park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said.
"I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy, asked with a puzzled look on is
face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat
yet."
By Viki
www.jokes4us.com
<back to top>
School Play
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in my life,
I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for
a part in a school play.
His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though
she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him
after school.
Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words
that will remain a lesson to me:
"I've been chosen to clap and cheer".
By Viki
Little Sara
A lesson in "heart" is my little, 10-year-old daughter,
Sarah, who was born
with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time.
She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed
in field day" that's where they have lots of races and other
competitive events. Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I
tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to
her about not letting this get her down but before I could get a
word out, she said "Daddy, I won two of the races!" I
couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I had an
advantage." Ah. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a
head start...some kind of physical advantage. But again, before I
could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a head
start... My advantage was I had to try harder!"
By Viki
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast
scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress
said "someone may steal from it at night." So
they created a night watchman position and
hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do
his job without instruction?" So they created
a planning department and hired two people, one
person to write the instructions, and one person
to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they
created a Quality Control department and hired
two people. One to do the studies and one to
write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going
to get paid?" So they created the following
positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for
all of these people?" So they created an
administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative
Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in
operation for one year and we are $18,000 over
budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
By Bill K.
Three Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when
he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused
enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was
driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how
fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did
too! They were now moving along the road at 45
mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his
surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him
at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran
down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The
man followed the chicken to the house and saw a
man in the yard and dozens of three legged
chickens. The man in the car called out to the
farmer "How did you get all these three legged
chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me,
my wife and my son living here and we all like to
eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two
legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so
we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they
taste?"
"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
By Bill K.
www.jokes4us.com
<back to top>
Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the
use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a
deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your
haircut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and asked again,
his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but,
you didn't get your haircut!" The young man waited a moment and
replied,
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair............
" To which his father replied.......
"Yes, and they walked every where"
Jianni33
Moses
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses
behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out
of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build
a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He
used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air
strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?"
his
mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!
EULOGIES
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
Heaven for orientation. They
are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket,
and friends and
family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them
say that I was
one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear
them say......LOOK,
HE'S MOVING!!!!!
By Scott
www.jokes4us.com
<back to top>
Garbage Collector
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your
son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the
boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a
strange ambition
to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that
garbage collectors only work
on Tuesdays!"
By Scott21
Signalman
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the
local railroad and is told to
meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give
Tom a pop
quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two
trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would
switch one train to
another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the
inspector. "Then I'd run
down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,"
answers Tom. "What if
that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom
continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was being used?" "In that
case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the
street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been
vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case
I would run into town and get my
Uncle Leo." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why
would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
By Steve
Little Johnny (Walls of Jericho)
The visiting church school supervisor asks little
Johnny during
Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny
replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible
knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole
incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his
whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny
said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is
the truth.
Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of
Education and relates the whole story.
After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making
such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix
the damned wall."
By Newboy
A Golfer's nightmare
One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing
golf. Everything
was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his
tee
shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for
the
ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly
ajar,
and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of
the floor. And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play
on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell,
noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on
the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played
the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit
the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped
down dead, instantly. Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on
the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend,
Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as
it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in
the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with
his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could
take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied
instantly, "Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7
shots
to get on the green."
By DailyComix
Oldest Profession
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist
sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which
was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to
Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously
required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the
world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible
that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most
certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and
also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The
computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile
responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
By NetDammy
www.jokes4us.com
<back to top>
Surprise Visit
A father, passing thru his son's college town late one night on a
business trip,
thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the frat house, he knocked on the door. After several
minutes of
knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.
"Whaddya
want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front
porch again and we'll take
care of him in the morning."
By Steve
Guess Who?
A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first nighttime
"solo" flight. He wanted
to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land,
instead of
making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said:
"Guess whoooo?"
Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights
and said:
"Guess where..."
By Steve C
If Lawyers Are Disbarred
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models
deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease,
eventually
becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be
debased,
landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be
degraded, organ
donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the
BVD company
will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually
decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will
be devoted.
By Steve
Mother
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've
just received
a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to
come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean
by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own
convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I
did," said the
husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I used risk
instead."
Looking Back
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted
with
this triumphant announcement: "My Mommy looked back once while
she
was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Expectant Mother
The expectant mother was looking for advice. She said,
"Grandma,
when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle
the middle-of-the-night feeding?" Her grandma replied,
"No. I
always did that." The young woman laughed. "That must have
been
before women's liberation." The grandmother responded,
"No, it was
before we had baby bottles."
DailyComix
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