A Texan's Guide To Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a
whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised
if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by
somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to
know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
By DebbieLB

REDNECK SHORTS
  Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
 
  Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
 
  You burn your yard rather than mow it.
 
  You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
 
  The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
 
  Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
  spare a loved one.
 
  You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
 
  You come back from the dump with more than you took.
 
  Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
 
  Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
 
  You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
 
  You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
 
  You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
 
  Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
 
  You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
 
  You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
 
  You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
 
  You have a rag for a gas cap.
 
  You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
 
  You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
 
  Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
 
  You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
 
  You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
 
  Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
 
 You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
 
  Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
 
  You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
 
  You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
 
  You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
 
  You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
 
  You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
 
  You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
By steve C


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
What Do You Have?
There was a Cowboy that walked in to a bar, and ask for ten shots of Whiskey,
drank the first five shots real fast, the bartender ask him why he did that?
He said I can do that if you have what I have.
Then he drunk the other five just as fast as the first five.
And the bartender told him not to do that.
he said you can if you have what I have.
so the Bartender asked him what do you have?
and the Cowboy said.
"Only fifty cents"
By Johnwaterboy

The Top 25 Alabama Country Songs of All Time.....
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With a
Few
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the number 1 Alabama Country song of all time is

1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
By Vicky V

Cowboy Pilot
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a
Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of
airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach:  "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're
following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a
Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles.  Do you have
that traffic?

Delta 105:  Long pause followed by a thick Texan
drawl, "Well, I've got something down there.  Can't
quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."
By Albert W


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Horses
Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that
they used to make some money during the summer.
But when winter came, they found it cost too
much to board them. So they turned the horses
loose in a pasture where there was pleanty to
eat. 'How will we tell yours from mine when we
pick them up?' one of them asked the other.
'Easy,' replied the other. 'We'll cut the
mane off mine and the tail off yours.'
By spring, the mane and tail had grown back
to normal length.
'Now what are we going to do?' asked the
first.
'Why don't you just take the black one?' said
the second. 'And I'll take the white one.'
By DerekJo

Twin Brothers
A General of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting class walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says,
"Sign him today, do all the paper work get on with it"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked,
"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies,
"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
By SKochboy

Chili
Well, this here story goes something like this.
Ya see, there was this trucker,and he was on a run on day,and stopped into
this diner for a bite to eat.
Well, he sits down at the counter, and the waitress comes over hands him a
menu and a glass of water, and says "What'll ya have?"
Well, the trucker says," Ya got any chili?"
The waitress says, "No, I just sold my last bowl to the guy sitting next to
you."
So, the trucker looks over at the guy next to him, and notices that he looks
like he's
mostly finished with his meal 'cept for the bowl of chili sitting there on
the counter.
So, the trucker asks the guy, "Hey, are you gonna eat that?" To which the man
replied, "Naw, you go right ahead." So, the trucker starts eating the
chili, which tasted mighty good to him.
Well, he got about halfway through with it, and sees a dead mouse laying at
the bottom of the bowl.
UP COMES THE CHILI!!!! 
Right back into the bowl!!
The guy next to him says," Yep, that's about as far as I got with it  too!"
By: J. Nelson


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Linda May fainted and Billy Joe called 911.
The 911 operator said  that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
And Billy Joe replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Street."
The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy Joe said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"
By Scott21

A Good Etiquette Guide For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
By NetLooker


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Arkansas Funeral
The old man had died.  A  funeral was in progress and
the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, 
what an honest man he was,
and what a loving husband
and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her
children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if
that's your pa."
By Sue M K

Half- Man Half-Beast
A Texan schoolboy who was studying Greek Mythology?
When the teacher asked him to name something that was
half-man and half-beast he replied
"Buffalo Bill."

Cowboy and Preacher
 One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said,
"I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly,
"Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay..."
By Scott21

Linda-Sue
On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob
decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a
memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with
champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a
sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let
all that good champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured
it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished,
he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue! You nasty bitch, why'd
you piss in the tub!?"
By Class52

Road Kill
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and
killed a calf that was crossing the road.  The
driver went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened.  He then
asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the Cowboy.
"But in six years it would have been worth
$900.  So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check
and handed it to the Cowboy.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.  It's
postdated six years from now."
By Scott21


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
TEXAN
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous
woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for
the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if
she accepts it, she is his.   

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this
is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note
with the bottle back over to the Texan.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."  

WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and
it read: "Just so you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have
over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry,
honey."
By Stocky411

Fishermen From Arkansas
There were two old boys from Arkansas who loved to fish.
They wanted to do some ice fishing so off to Grand lakes they go. 
The lake was frozen solid, so they stopped just before they got to the lake
at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need some ice picks."
After they got their equipment, off they went to the lake.
A couple of hours later, one of them was back at the shop and said,
"We're going to need more  ice picks." He paid for the picks and left.
An hour later, he was back at the shop again and said,
"We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," the boy said.
"We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."
By Kickbac

Fart Dixie
A broke dirty Cowboy  walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender
says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke,  but if you give me
a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!" The bartender
had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.

The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage
and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience
start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and
everyone gets disgusted and leave.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my
stage!" And  the Cowboy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before
he sang!"
By Steve


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Two Good Old Boys
Two good old boys from the south were driving a truck through
the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass
with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3".

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4
inches tall.

"What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the
cab of the truck
.
The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the
rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop
in sight. Let's take a chance," he said
By Taz

Mabel
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle
country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go
down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his
cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were
right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing
what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."
By Steve C

TEXAN MIDGET
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that
his cajones (testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always
complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that
he go to the doctor see what he could be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what
the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a
look.

The midget dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia.
"Aha!"
mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked
the midget to cough again.

"Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip,
snip, snip,
snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was
afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not
hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still
ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boot
By Bill K.

Two California Rednecks
Two redneck salesmen were talking about buying a new car for the small delivery business.
One redneck tells the other one, "you should buy yourself a new Pathfinder 2001 with 242HP engine
it goes so fast that you can leave San Diego at 6AM and be in Los Angeles at 7AM"
The next day the Rednecks meet again, and one asks the other one
"Did you buy the Pathfinder?"
No, I bought me a Ford Ranger because,

What the hell I am going to do in Los Angeles at 7 in the morning?..
By Enkon


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Some Redneck Shorts
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol'
boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the
front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front
desk says "go ahead."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the
driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned
down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced,
they're still brother and sister

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each
other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy
Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how
many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you
both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
By Steve

What do you call a family reunion in Arkasas?
An Orgy.
By  WillAKALongTom

You might be a redneck if...
You are on a diet so you switched  to marlboro LIGHTS.
By CissAfrwdSt82

Southern Woman
A southern woman was rushing to get ready for church. She ran frantically
throughout her house, tore through her closet, threw her clothes over her head
and ran out the door to her car. When she arrived at the church, she saw a man
coming towards her. "Tell me," she panted in her southern drawl, "is mass out?"
"Nope," the man replied, but yer hat's on crooked."
By S.C


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Alabama Woman
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a
man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very
nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided
that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted
to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went
to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the
penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are
those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, maam, but on me, they're
called the cheeks of my ass!"
By Steve

The Young Cowboy
This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night
as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of
being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man
and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a
suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young Cowboy.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man. The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his
gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the
gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the
piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share
with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in
the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young Cowboy didn't hesitate but
started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle
and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's
going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"
By Steve C


www.jokes4us.com <back to top>
Enchanted Rattlesnake
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails
looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around
the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring
sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's
striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable,
then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual
equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll
have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the
bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the
shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch
and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"
By Steve

HORSE'S ASS
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President
Clinton
came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and
mumbled,
"Now
there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately a
customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over,
decked him and left. A few minutes later,
the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV.
"She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of
the bar got up, walked over and knocked him off his stool.
"Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be
Clinton country." "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"
By Steve C

REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband
went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beercan, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said
to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see
how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting
on  his other hand....
Also works in Tennessee and West Virginia.
By Tom P

Three Cowboys
Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other
from OREGON are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is.
Why?  just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my
bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare
hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm
still here today!"
The Oregon cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
with his
penis.
By Steve

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COWBOY WEDDING
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was
a man of the world. She was innocent bride with no experience. After
the wedding they left for their honeymoon.
While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them
cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and
started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to
explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride
discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness!
What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I
hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them dang knots, I need more rope!"
By TAZ

Things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say ......
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad.
I've got it all on the C drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
The Cowboys suck
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
By Comix

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


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Cowboy Bashing
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
**********
Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
**********
Q: What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?
**********
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
**********
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The police.
**********
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
**********
Doctors say that because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle, it will be 6-8
weeks before he can videotape a team mate having sex.
**********
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin.
They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want a coke machine.
**********
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out
the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
**********
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System".
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.
**********
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season last year.
12 arrests, 5 convictions.
**********
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new
defensive co-ordinator: Johnny Cochran.
**********
How do the Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
Studying Miranda Rights.
**********
What's the difference between a Cowboys fan and a baby?
Eventually the baby stops whining.
By Steve C

DEAR HUNTING
A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him..
That they never did anything together.. So, they went..
He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot..
He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on..
The guy was telling her,
Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot..
I just want to take my saddle off of him!
By jk

What are the 3 lies a Texan will always tell?
(1) I won this belt buckle at a rodeo!
(2) My pick-up is paid for!
(3) I was just helping that SHEEP over the fence!
By Redneck

A TAXIDERMIST
A guy walks into a bar in Texas and orders a white wine.
Everyone sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are Ya?? Where Ya from' boy?"
The guy says' "I'm from Iowa." The bartender ask, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, I'm a taxidermist?" The bartender asks, " A taxidermist?
Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, " I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, " It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
By Dixie

Three Cowboys
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a
bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three.

The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a
pitcher of beer and get your ass over here."

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his
hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.
She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, barmaid bring me a beer with a shot of
tequila and get your ass over here with it."

Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand
on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.

The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.

The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid, "Honey, bring me a whole
bottle of tequila and hurry."

Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and
slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed, "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"

"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself."
By Steve


      
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