Winners Jokes
Perfect
Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private
club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.
I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,800.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $80,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last
year ... it's on sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre
of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $750,000... a magnificent price, and I see that
we have that much in the bank to cover it..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $720,000.
OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?"
By Albert W
Quickie
John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon
quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him
out
on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking
lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the
Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt riding a new
bike and the
Sanders are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the
startled father
asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son
replied.
By Dualage
Oral Sex
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a
few beers after work.
The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not
allow him to go drinking
with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome
that problem:
"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down
under the sheets,
gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex.
Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were
out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and
enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the
sheets,
gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while,
he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back,
got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see
his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied,
"you'll wake-up my mother!"
By Scott21
Twenty
Year Anniversary
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find
her husband missing from
their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled
sound
downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally
finding her
husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall,
and
sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were
sixteen?", he
replied. "And remember he said I had two choices; I could
either marry you,
or spend the next twenty years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
"I would have been released today."
MARIA M. :)
All Aboard
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening
to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living
room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches
who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And
all
of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the
train,
cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes
playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say,
"All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please
remember to
take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with
us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with
us again soon." She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under
your
seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have
a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
By MARIA M. :)
Temperature
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them
around just like he did
his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his
room and
announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an
oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and
bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under
his
breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After
almost an
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't.
Not with a carnation anyway."
By Newboy22
Redneck
Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going
anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to
see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic
"what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example.
Do you
own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,"
replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since
you have a
yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a
wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that
you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing
I ever
heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back
into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked
the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"FAG"
By Kickbac
.
LITTLE JOHNNY'S TEACHER
A young female teacher was giving an assignment
to her Grade 6 class one
day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She
quickly
turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well
teacher, I just saw one of
your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells,
"I don't want to see
you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to
title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She
quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?" "Well
miss, I just saw both
of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my
classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around
again. So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She
quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you
think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I
just saw, my
school days are over."
By T.P
www.jokes4us.com
<back
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Three
Bulls
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to
bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a
discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we
settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be
mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS
cows,
but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been
here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.
I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL
MY
COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys
have
only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be
as big as you
fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all
MY
cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler
pulls
up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the
biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700
pounds,
each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the
breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I
really felt
I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few
for
our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I
just stay
on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not
looking
for argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let
him
have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making
sure he
knows I'm a bull!"
By Bill K.
.
Revenge
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another
woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down
the
stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured
it
tightly
and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband
terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it
off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You
are. I'm
going to set the garage on fire."
By Lorie B
LOTTO
A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into
the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or
mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell
out!
By Taz
PRIVATE JONES
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he
was to advise
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their
Serviceman's
Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's
Lieutenant
noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance
sales, which
had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood
in the back
of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then
said, "If
you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has
to pay
$200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go
into battle
and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of
$6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they
are going to send into
battle first?"
By Steve
BEST BARS
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Texan are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink,
and MacDougal himself will buy your
third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one.
Over in Brooklyn,there's this place, Vinny's.
At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy vino glass,
Vinny buys a vino glass"
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Texan guy says, "You think that's great?
Where I come from, there's this place called Raw Hide
At Raw Hide, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!"
Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic!
Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Texan, "but it happened to my
sister!"
By Kick
THE
TERMINAL DIET
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
He goes
to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to
undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital,
and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your
tests
and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.
It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to
do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and
pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can
get under the door."
By Bill C
.
Prostitute Parrots"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do
they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only
know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some
fun?'"
"That's
terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to
your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will
put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read
the
bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and
worship."
"Thank
you!" the woman responded.
The next day
the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying
in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male
parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want
to have some fun?"
One male parrot
looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
By Taz
RODEO
STYLE
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex
positions.
The first cowboy says his favorite position is the
"rodeo".
The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
The first cowboy says, You tell your wife to get on the bed on
all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under
way and
she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear :
"Your
sister likes this position too."
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
By Maria M.
www.jokes4us.com <back
to top>
The
Terminal Irishman
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in
the eye,
and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it
can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid
character. He
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the
waiting room.
There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said,
"Well, son. We
Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and
I've been
given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few
pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some
of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on
to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends,
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed
with AIDS." The
friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more
beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer! You
just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want
any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
By Tom P
SUPER BOWL
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super
Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he
realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer
to the Goodyear blimp than
the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices
an empty seat 10 rows off
the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to
take a chance and makes his
way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat. As
he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to
him, "Excuse me, is anyone
sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the
game, Bob again inquires of
the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in
their right mind would have a seat
like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs
to me, I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still,
couldn't you find someone to take the
seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man
replies, "they're all at the funeral."
By Katerina
GOLFER
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member
skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking
lot to
get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee
off on the
sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the
trees and off the
course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball
flew out onto the
highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out
of
control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire
truck
couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what
are you
going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think
I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
By Steve
IT PAYS TO
BE YOURSELF
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep
in the
barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North."
Yes, I do."
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I
have to admit that I did."
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm
afraid
I did. Why do you ask?"
No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
By Irene
www.jokes4us.com
<back
to top>
3GREEKS
AND 3 TURKS
3 Greeks and 3 Turks are travelling by train to a conference. At the
station, the 3 Turks each buy tickets and watch as the 3 Greeks buy
only
a single ticket.
"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one Turk.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one Greek.
They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but
all
three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and
says, "
Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges
with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after
the
conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip
and
save
some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to
the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment,
the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed Turk.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Greek.
When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3
Greeks
cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward,
one
of the Greeks leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks
on
the door and says, "Ticket, please."
By Steve C.
LAWYERS TOMBSTONE
A lawyer named Strange died,
and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe
on his tombstone,
"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription
would be confusing,
for passersby would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would
inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone
and read it,
they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
By Taz
.
Secret
A man walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar
but
decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the
waiter
approaches he says to the customer, "what's the
name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want
is a
drink."
The gay waiter
says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike" for
the
slogan 'Just Do It'.
That guy down
at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It
Really Satisfies'
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will
give
him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer
and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The
man to his left,
with a smile, looks back and says, 'Timex' The thirsty customer asks
"why Timex?" The fella proudly replies "Cause it
takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right that
is
sipping a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your
penis?" The man
to his right to him and proudly exclaims, 'Ford' because
"quality is job
1" Then adds "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even
more shaken, the
customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name
for
his penis.
He turns to the bartender and exclaims "The name of my penis is
'Secret'.
Now give me my beer" The bartender begins to pour the customer
a beer,
but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why 'Secret'? The customer says,
"Strong
enough for a man but made for a woman!!!"
By Nick P.
The
Drink
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for
drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and
placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also
like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely
raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice......"
By Merkouris
No
Room at the Inn
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel
room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he
pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air
Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly
that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll
take it."
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never
better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the
other
guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said
the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room,"
the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the
cheek,
and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...And he sat up all night watching me."
By Steve C
THE MAID
A woman suspects her husband is
cheating on her. One day, she dials
her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is
this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid", said the woman. The maid says,
"I was hired
this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well,
this is his
wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in
the bedroom
with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming.
She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?" The
maid says, "What will I have to do?"The woman tells her,
"I want you to
get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's
with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun
shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the
bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming
pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"
A Greek a Turk and a beautiful woman.
There's a Greek, a Turk and a beautiful woman sitting
next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel
and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and
then a SLAP!!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Greek sitting
there looking perplexed. The Turk is bent over holding his face
which is
red from an apparent slap.
The Turk is thinking "Ya Allah, that Greek must have tried to
kiss
this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The lady is thinking, "that Turk must have moved to kiss me
and kissed the Greek instead and got slapped."
The Greek was thinking to himself..."If this train goes through
another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and
slap that Turk again."
By A.G.
DRUNK
A man is in bed with his wife
when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the
morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and
rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer
that?" says his
wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens
the
door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner
long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a
push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and
slams the
door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we
broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our
help and it would be
the right thing to do."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry
out "Yeah
please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where
are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
By Anonymous
VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and
stops to entertain at a bar
in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde
jokes,
when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"I've heard
just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What
makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's
physical attributes
have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep
women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of
reaching
my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond
says,
"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little
bastard on your knee!"
By M.M
.
Why parents get gray:
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked,
Is your Daddy home?
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the
person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one
there
besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and
Mommy and
the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What
is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team just
landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked,
"Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice
replied along with a muffled
giggle: "They're looking for me"
By Steve
CINDY
CRAWFORD
A young single guy finds himself
stranded on a deserted island.
As he washes ashore, he sees a woman passed out in the sand.
Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he
realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks
go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's
the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful
life
together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong?
Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting
on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off
his shirt and
pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He
sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around
the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her
by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm
sleeping with!"
By A.G
Super Sex
One day Superman was
feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied Batman.
I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends. So I don't really
want
to take advantage of her."
"Darn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman
and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when
he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
"Hey G.L., I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging
bachelor,
who's the best babe in comicland?"
"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and
away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?"
"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I
didn't
realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in
frustration.
Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with
her legs apart and up in the air.
Superman was tempted. "Goddarn it!" he thought to himself,
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of
there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and
a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression.
"What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,
"But my ass is killing me."
By Kickbak
A
MAFIA ATTORNEY
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"
The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to
hell...
...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
By Bill K.
Telepathic Watch
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to
a good looking girl and starts looking at his
watch. The girl notices this and asks him if
his date is late.
"Oh, no!" he replies, "I've just got this new
state-of-the-art watch, and I was just about
to test it." "
"What does it do?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to
me."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
"Ha! Well it must be broken then because
I am!"
"Damn! This thing must be an hour fast."
By A.G.
.
CIGARS
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be
ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked
the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler
for
ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even find you in contempt of the
court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the
courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,"
said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find
to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
By Bill K.
PICKLE
SLICER
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember
that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I
did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
By Lorie
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