This Site Contains Language Which Might be Considered Offensive, If You Under 18, Please Leave.
This Site Contains Language Which Might be Considered
Offensive, If You Under 18, Please Leave.
-More Single Liners
The Top
9 Signs that You're at a Bad Zoo
1)
When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are
giving you the finger.
2) The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the
football team during training camp.
3) The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4) The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
4) The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The
Lion King.
5) The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the
University of Florida's Mascot.
6) If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and
talk to you.
7) Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped
in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
8) Not only does the Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part
Elephant suit but its always groping the customers.
9) Two words: Hippo Dogs!
By NetDummy
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
Computer Definitions
1) 486
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
2) State-of-the-art
Any computer you can't afford.
3) Obsolete
Any computer you own.
4) Microsecond
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
By Net Dummy
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? ......
<> "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."
<> "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
<> "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
<> "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
<> "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
<> "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
<> "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."
<> "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
<> "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
<> "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
<> "Just how big were those two beers?
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at
age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
What I Want In A Man, Revised List... (at age 72)
1. Breathing....
By Steve C
Q: What food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%
A: wedding cake
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
True Courtroom Humor ......
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he
was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
By Tom P
Collected Comments of College Students ......
He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of Englishshould proofread it.
This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.
The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was,
and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way
to stop it.
I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that
I used while doing the problem sets.
By Net Dummy
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
Man Is Like An Automobile ......
As it gets older, the differential starts slipping,
and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.
Overdrive is out of the question!
The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest
incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders
if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started
in the morning.
His gas fumes can kill ya!
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
His frame has a big bow in the middle too.
The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature.
The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get any
where that way.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression
it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane
before the head gasket blows.
By Comix
CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having
met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell
'til I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin
it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the
need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before
this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this
knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are
bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday---so
we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama
& Tennessee)
By Tom P
**********************************************************
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
CHAIN SEX
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love
to you 365
times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average
of once every
ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in thecceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.
By Tom P
How Things Change ......
<> A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note.
<> A window was something you hated to clean.
<> And a ram was the cousin of a goat.
<> Meg was the name of someone's girlfirend.
<> And a gig was a job for the nights.
<> Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
<> An application was for employment.
<> A program was a TV show.
<> A cursor used profanity.
<> A keyboard was piano.
<> Memory was something that you lost with age.
<> A CD was a bank account.
<> And if you had a 3-in floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
<> Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file.
<> And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for awhile.
<> Log on was adding wood to the fire.
<> Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
<> A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
<> And a backup happened to your commode.
<> Cut you did with a pocket knife.
<> Paste you did with glue.
<> A web was a spider's home.
<> And a virus was the flu.
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
IT WASN'T MY FAULT ......
The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert
their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently
inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from
insurance claims.
<> I consider that neither vehicle was to blame, but if either were
to blame, it was the other one.
<> I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been
run over before.
<> One wheel went into the ditch, my feet jumped from the brake to
the accelerator pedal, leaped across to the other side, and
jammed into the trunk of a tree.
<> I collided with a stationary tram car coming the other way.
<> To avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.
<> The car had to turn sharper than was necessary, owing to an invisible truck.
<> After the accident, a working gentleman offered to be witness in my favour.
<> I collided with a stationary tree.
<> The other man altered his mind, so I had run over him.
<> I told the other idiot what he was, and went on my way.
<> I can give no details of the accident, as I was somewhat concussed
at the time.
<> A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
<> I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
<> I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was
taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
<> I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when
I put my head through it.
<> A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the
cow was half-witted.
<> A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he
gored my car.
<> She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
<> A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
<> I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.
<> I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
<> Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a
tree I haven't got.
<> I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design,
it ran away.
<> The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning of
its intentions.
By Comix
SOME SHORTS
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.50, and Deer Nuts are under a Buck.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it!
What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's
gonna lose a trailer
By Sopho
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS...
...can get a taxi on the worst days
...have a neat place to carry spare change
...have always been the centre of the arts (art)
...make jogging a spectator sport
...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
...can always carry a little extra
...always float better
...know where to look first for lost earrings
...rarely lack for a slow dance partner
...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an
armless recliner
WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS...
...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over
in public
...always look younger
...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
...can always see their toes and shoes
...can sleep on their stomachs
...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
...know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
...know that everything more than a handful is wasted
...can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
...can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out.
By Steve C
Top Ten Reason's You May Be In The Twilight Zone Chat Room:
10) Someone with your screen name is typing what you were just thinking.
9) The emoticons are calling your name!
8) 14 yr. olds are trying to arrange meetings with you!
7) The keyboard begins typing by itself.
6) The people you chat with actually look like their picture!
5) Everyone was just waiting for you to show up.
4) No one is being obnoxious.
3) You suddenly find yourself fluent in all net lingo!
2) No one is trying to direct you to a porn site.
And the number one reason you may be in the TwilightZone
Chat Room is...
1) Everyone is who they say they are!
By Netdummy
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
LITTLE AXIOMS OF LIFE ......
<> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have
film.
<> He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
<> A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
<> On the other hand, you have different fingers.
<> Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
<> Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
<> Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
<> She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
<> You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
By Comix
15 Ways Philip Morris is "Working to Make a Difference"
15. Virginia Slims cigarette paper now ribbed for her pleasure.
14. Quality programming for kids provided by new "Nick-o-Teen"
cable network.
13. Hiring O.J. Simpson's detectives to find "the real killers"
of smokers.
12. Launching of the Chinese "Joe Panda" campaign.
11. Buying up all existing copies of "The Insider" and donating
them to deserving children from Borneo and Tibet.
10. "Marlboro Miles" can no longer be used to purchase Pokemon
products.
9. For every 1,000 cartons sold, 1 carton donated to the American
Cancer Society.
8. "Benson & Hedges" brand renamed to more kid-friendly "Calvin &
Hobbes."
7. For poor people who can't afford to eat *and* smoke, free
cigarette included in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes.
6. New slogan: "Cigarettes don't kill people - GUNS kill people!"
5. Considering a campaign to keep cigarettes out of the hands of
pregnant mothers.
4. Investing millions in ad campaign: "A Big Mac?! Christ,
that'll REALLY kill ya!"
3. Raleigh's new William Morris Park paved with tar exhumed from
Yul Brynner's lungs.
2. Bribes for politicians now wrapped in 100% recycled envelopes.
1. New ad campaign for 2000: "You don't have to smoke just
because all the really cool kids do."
By Steve
State Mottos ......
Alaska: Cold Beer on Sale
Alabama: Tide or bust
Arkansas: Where the Buffaloes roam.
California: Cheese from Wisconsin with Dot com flavor.
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-WingCrazies, and Very Little Else (oh
yeah!)
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
NEW JERSEY: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia : One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
You Know You're From Canada When ......
<> You find -40C a little chilly.
<> The trunk of your car doubles as a deepfreeze.
<> You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewellery and your Sorels.
<> You can play road hockey on skates.
<> You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and
Construction.
<> The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
<> You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
<> You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in
Canada".
<> You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
<> The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2
pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
<> At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing
plant.
<> The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
<> Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
<> You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
<> You head south to go to your cottage.
<> You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't
prowl on your deck.
<> You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
<> The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
By Comix
Top 10 Signs You're Not on the Internet Enough
10) You've never used the pickup line, "What's your URL?"
9) You don't need carpal tunnel surgery yet.
8) Poor spelling annoys you.
7) You've seen the inside of a shower stall at least once in the past 48 hours.
6) You only replaced your worn-out keyboard once last month.
5) Daytime soaps don't challenge you mentally.
4) Your closest friends call you by your name, not your handle.
3) Your favorite singles hangout isn't called #LonelyAdult.
2) You still have the capacity for speech.
1) Your repertoire of emoticons hasn't hit double figures.
By Jade
Only In America ......
<> Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
<> Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
<> Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
<> Do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
<> Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
<> Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
<> Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
<> Do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages
of eight.
<> Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
<> Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Text humor borrowed from The Smokers Club Newsletter. If
you're a smoker, this site is tobacco heaven.
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
Words To Ponder ......
Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so muchit caught my underwear
on fire!
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a
mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the realworld.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
By Comix
Man Is Like An Automobile ......
As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the
drive shaft to go bad.
The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.
Overdrive is out of the question!
The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest
incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders
if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started
in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big
bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating
temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get any
where that way.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it
can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the
head gasket blows.
By Comix
Collected Comments of College Students ......
He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of Englishshould proofread it.
This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.
The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where
to go, but you can never understand him.
Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I
was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all
directions - no way to stop it.
I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used
while doing the problem sets.
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
Weird News Headlines ......
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies [The Los Angeles Times, March 2]
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men [The Sunday Oregonian, September 24]
Man shoots neighbor with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons [Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6]
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart [Boulder,
Colorado, Sunday Camera,February 5 ]
Fish lurk in streams [Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29 ]
By Comix
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f___ing sunshine.
2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?
4. Huh? I'm sorry, I was ignoring you.
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. I like cats, too! Let's exchange recipes.
7. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
8. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?
9. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
10. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
11. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"
12. Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
13. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
14. And which dwarf are you?
15. Hello, Tech Support? How do I set a laser printer to stun?
By Tom P.
If Men TRULY Ran The World...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a
"Nice
hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you
were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.
What is the definition of suspicious??
A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch....
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
Do You Know When You Are Getting Old? ......
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it started.
Your dentist asks you to donate your your dentures to the museum ofdenistry.
Your grandchildren look at your wedding pictures and ask, "Grandpa, who arethese
people?"
You are really old when your back goes out more often than you do!
People ask which side you were on in the Civil War?
Your dog attacks you as you return from the mail box at the end of your driveway.
By Comix
Observations On Men ......
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times,
men wouldn't ask for directions.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh
at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
By Comix
The Top 10 Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader
10) Makes plans to take you to dinner at either the Plaza or Burger
King, depending on whether Bill Gates testifies that day.
09) In bed, never wants to hold a position for longer than a few
minutes.
08) Leaps off high-rise with his laptop, makes $5,000 on way down.
07) When you ask if your butt looks big in these pants he says,
"Sorry, I can't say. I have insider information."
06) Doesn't seem to notice he's been wearing the same robe and
underwear for about a week now.
05) Looks nervous every time you mention the kids' college fund.
04) Dinner last night: Duck a l'orange, caviar, creme brulee.
Dinner tonight: Gruel.
03) Helps your kid make a sign: "LEMONADE: 1 7/16"
02) 12:41pm: Offers to trade some of his French fries for some of
your onion rings.
12:47pm: Offers a few of the onion rings back to recoup lost
French fry capital.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is a Day Trader...
01) She ain’t yelling "Yahoo!" because of you, Big Guy.
By Netdummy
Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Underqualified .....
Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really
cares.
Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
..and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..
On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.
By Comix
Maxims For The Internet Age......
'Ome is where you 'ang your @
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
In Gates we trust.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother
you for weeks.
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
TOP 15 Mafia Valentines
15. My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
14. I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes -
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me -
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine... and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue,
roses are red.
I blew up your car,
So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
6. Hey.
5. Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But you're untouchable,
Like Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always,
And you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.
1. When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye,
- that's amore!
By Steve
22 Things you'll never hear a man say,
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool MOTHERFUCKER.
2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I
can hold your purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally.
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look
at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake
By Bandi
Cheer Up, If......
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
They say the house didn't float very far at all.
We're all amazed that you go on living each day.
Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you.
The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.
At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show."
The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
By Comix
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
MONICA
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
By Bill K
Last century wisdom
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
5. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you're not getting any.
6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
8. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
9. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!
10. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
11. Some days you are the bug, and some days you are the windshield.
12. Don't worry. It's only seems kinky the first time.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Don't squat with spurs on.
15. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
17. Never miss a chance to shut up.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is
moving.
19. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
20. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
22. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
By Tom P
11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked....
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse/shirt.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that - with a little help from Muzak - you can add "Exotic
Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
By Tom P.
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
Signs You've Chosen A "No Frills"
Airline......
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
By Comix
The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana
20. Got Buzz?
19. Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All.
18. A Day Without Pot is Like School.
17. Weed My Lips!
16. Hey, America - Let's Blow This joint!
15. What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
14. Obey Your Jones.
13. Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and
necklaces and stuff.
12. It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
11. Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime.
10. Official Sponsor of the NBA.
9. Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally fucked that
up!
8. Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke.
7. This is your brain.
This is your brain on pot.
This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
6. When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
5. SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?)
4. Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads.
3. Just Doob It.
2. It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie
so-you-can-get-high medicine.
and the number 1 logan for legalized marijuana...
1. Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless
By Steve
www.jokes4us.com<back to top>
The Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson......
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kidswith fake
IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is importantto learn. It's
what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Nowquiet, they're
about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through
life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, goodidea, boss.' Number three, 'it was
like that when I got there.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.Just like that.
Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether youwin or lose: it's
how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go inevery day and do it
really half-assed. That's the American way."
"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police
Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybodylaughin', did you?"
By Comix
Top Ten Signs That You've Bought a Cheap Car......
Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of
Junk."
The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
By Comix
Think About It......
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
A dropped wrench will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.
By Comix