Ethnic Jokes
Rabbi
Counselor
A Modern
Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets
their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks the couple if they have any last questions before
they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for
men to dance with men and women to dance with women at the
reception, but we'd like to ask you permission to dance
together."
"Absolutely not," warns the rabbi, "It's immodest.
Men and women in this ceremony always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own
wife?"
"No," says the Rabbi, "It's absolutely
forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex? Can
we finally have sex?"
"Of course," says the rabbi, sex is a good thing within
marriage in order to have children."
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," say the rabbi, "it's a good
thing."
"Doggy style?"
"Sure," says the rabbi, "no problem at all."
"On the kitchen table?"
"Absolutely."
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil and a
porno film?"
"Enjoy," smiles the rabbi.
"Can we do it standing up?"
"Absolutely not," admonishes the alarmed rabbi.
"Could lead to dancing."
By Nigel P
FAST AND IRISH
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a
train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy."
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he
gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."
===============================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."
===============================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at
her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was
an accident down at
the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda. No. Fact is, he got out three
times to pee."
==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn
gun.'"
By MM
NEWCASTLE WINDOWS XP
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a
Geordie
version of Windows XP, may have accidentally been shipped out of
Newcastle.
If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help
understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if
you have
a copy of Windaz XP by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of
Brown
Ale.
Also note:
The recycle bin is labelled " Shite "
Dialup network is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we fook aboot wi the settins"
The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on
it"
Other features to note:
Ok - Alreet
Cancel - Fook that
Yes - Aye
No - Nee fookin chance
Goto - Owa there
Help - Ah cannit dee it
Personal folder/My Documents - Aal me shite
Windaz XP does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Other Applications exclusive to Windaz XP:
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin book - a graphics package
Addin masheen - a calculator
Dole XP - accounting software
P o r n - Internet Explorer
Ya' KNOW you on a Black Airline when....
1. The windows are tinted
2. The plane is sitting on gold rims
3. The stewardess's are all ex-Hammer dancers
4. First class, business class and coach is classified as: O.G.,
Hustlers, and Playa Haters
5. Power windows for fly-by's
6. Pilot comes on the intercom and asks everybody for gas money
7. The intercom chimes "bling bling" prior to
announcements instead of ding ding"
8 Floating devices have patches
9. Oxygen masks are turned into bongs
10. The pilot is doing doughnuts on the runway
11. The pilot has to check in with his parole officer before take
off
12. The pilot needs a jump to start the plane
13. The stewardesses have on Fubu gear as their uniforms
14. Featured movies are "Booty Call," "I Got The Hook
Up," and the Original "Shaft"
15. Served miniature forty ounces and pork skins
16. The plane has an AMG kit
17. You can pay for your tickets with food stamps or WIC vouchers
18. The black box is really a satellite TV de-scrambler
19. The seats are covered in plastic
20. Your flight got canceled because the plane got repossessed
By RayB
The Jewish
Couple
An older Jewish gentleman marries a
younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love,
have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an
orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as
they make love.
But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed-Have
the young man make love
to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
By Steve C.
Getting Married
A young
Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them
down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
By Maria M
"LEARNING CHINESE"
69: Two can Chou
That's not right: Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man: Dum Gai
Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone: No Pah King
You are not very bright: Yu So Dum
I got this for free: Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight: Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu
By
Julie G.
German
Air Control
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location but how to get there
without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign
"Speed bird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt.
Speed bird 206, clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi
way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground. I'm looking
up our gate location now."
Ground: With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206,
have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!"
Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But
in another type of Boeing... I didn't stop."
________________________________________
Flight
Engineer
I was a Pan Am 552 Flight Engineer waiting for start
clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to
the radio since I was the junior crew member. This
was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call
signs any longer):
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must
speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could
answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"
By Scott21
Finnegan's Wife
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were
questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the
sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years,"
said the Irishman.
By Steve C.
Community Service
A florist goes to the barber for a haircut and when he goes to pay,
the
barber says "I can't accept any money, I am doing a community
service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,
there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the
barber replies: "I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I
am doing a
Community Service". The Cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,
there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Greek guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber
and
the barber replies:"I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I am doing
a Community Service". The Greek guy of course is very happy and
leaves the
shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he
finds
a
dozen Greeks waiting for a haircut ..
By Lori B.
Indian On His First Flight
One day an Indian gentleman was going back to India with
Air-India flight.
He had been traveling the first time so he did not know that food
was served
in airplanes. So he took the food from his wife, it was
home-made.
A few Americans were sitting around him and asked about the food he
was eating.
Danny asked what were the circular pieces of bread, he said they
were
Roti-India, he asked what the yellowish liquid was, he said it was
Curry-India, Greg asked what the brownish liquid was, he said it was
Dal-India.
Then the Indian man farted, the man next to him asked him what was
that?
And he said "oh come on, don't you know?
that was Air-India!"
By Amir
www.jokes4us.com
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First Kilt
In Scotland, the most important time for a young
lad is when he "comes
of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to
a
tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He
took
the material to the tailor and said,
"I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if
ye
don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for
it.
I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad
when
the order was completed.
A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's
five yards
of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it
in
case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his
room,
and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his
girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and
said,
"well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's
underneath," he stated
as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted
admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he
exclaimed
quite proudly,
"aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at
home!"
By Scotch55
INDIAN JOKES
Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a
bite. The
maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?"
One Indian chief
answered, "Certainly. In Arizona!"
A tourist stopped off at a small railroad station where, sitting
by the side of the tracks, there were Indians selling their wares.
The
tourist saw a blanket he liked very much, and was told that the
price
was a hundred dollars. The tourist offered fifty. The
Indian said,
"Price is one hundred. Bargains like Manhattan you no get
anymore!"
An Indian came to New York for the first time and checked into a
hotel. Tired from a long bus ride, he went right to his room.
On the
bed was a blanket. The Indian picked it up and walked down to
the
lobby. Putting the blanket on the check-in-counter, he told
the clerk,
"Last man in room leave overcoat!"
By Nancy
www.jokes4us.com
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THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS-EBONICS STYLE
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
An' all ober de hood
ereybody wuz sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
All o' de fambily
Wuz layin' in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Dance tru dey heads.
I passed out in de flo
Right next to my maw
When I heard sech a fuss, I thunk
"It must be de law!"
I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
Spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrant fo sho!
And what did I see?
I said, "Lawd, look atdat!"
Ther' wuz a huge wabber-melon
Pulled by giant warf rats!
Now ober all de years
Sanna Claus, he be white
But, looks like us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis night.
Faster dan a po'lees car;
My home boy, he came.
He whupped on dem warf rats
And called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'lonzo,
And on Willie Lee,
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!
As he landed dat watta-melon
Out der in de skreet
I knowed fo sho
Da damndest site I ebber did see!
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da lock on my doe!
And I sez to myself,
"Shit, he done dis befoe!"
He had dis big bag
Full of prezents i spect
Wid Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
just started stealin' my shit.
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!
Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da window he flewed
I woulda tried to catch him
But he stole my knife too!
He jumped on dat wabber-melon
An'whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a secon',
dat sonuvabitch!
Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz diz here Sanna Claus
Just ain't werf a shit!
By Vicky V.
Chinese Wedding Night
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a
virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My
darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...
I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want.
What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69" she replies.
"You wanna beef with bloccolli?"
By Jim V
www.jokes4us.com
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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman
"An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf
and
their
wives went along as
their caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her
foot
in a rabbit hole,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over
her
head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily
demanded a reason
for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little
allowance that I
have to make the odd
sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's ten
pounds. Go to Mark's
and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and
ended in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head
revealing that she wasn't
wearing any knickers either!
The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her
lack
of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little
allowance I
cannot afford to buy
undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's three pounds. Go to
Dunnes and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on
an
exposed root, tripped up
and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore
no
knickers! Her
explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply
a
lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a
comb. The least you can
do is tidy yourself up a bit."
By Duncanjoe
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"Do you want to go to Heaven?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to
Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want
to
go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me
that
when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting
a
group together to go right
By Scott21
Mac PHERSON'S INN
A Scotsman was looking for a room to rent for the night. While
walking
through a rather dilapidated neighborhood, he came upon a sign
outside of
a
rooming house:
Mac PHERSON'S INN
$20 Only
A Room
20 Course Dinner
Dancing Girls
Bottle of Whiskey
All for $20
The Scotsman walks up to the rooming house, knocks on the door, and
asks
the lady that answers, "Would that be a pint or a quart of
whiskey?"
$20 Only
A Room
20 Course Dinner
Dancing Girls
Bottle of Whiskey
All for $20
The Scotsman walks up to the rooming house, knocks on the door, and
asks
the lady that answers, "Would that be a pint or a quart of
whiskey?"
By Scott21
A Pint of Guinness
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub.
They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in
each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The
Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT
OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
By NetLooker21
www.jokes4us.com
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What to Expect On A Date With:
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary
position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon
the idea.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive
restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her mom makes
spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a
3carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the
thought of
having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second Date: You get another great blowjob.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
MALAY WOMAN:
First date: You get to touch those big breasts of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get
circumcised.
Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her
whole
family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure
three
other times as allowed under Muslim law.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing
happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have
already
realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real
expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex
GREEK
WOMEN:
First Date: You find out she's a chain smoker and heavy drinker,
despite the
fact she's underage
Second date: You get her piss drunk and have sex
Third date: You find out she was a virgin and her dad and 30 uncles
are
all out searching for you with a shot gun and a priest ready to
perform the
wedding litergy.
By Irene
www.jokes4us.com
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Pet Dog
A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his
pet dog.
The dog finally died and Patrick went to the parish
priest, saying "Father, my dog died. Could you possibly
be saying a
Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Donald told the farmer "No, we can't have services for
an animal
in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination
down
the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll
do something for the animal."
Patrick said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think
$100,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."
Chinese Pizza
An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he
hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if
there's any place around where he can get American food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that
just opened, and they deliver. He gets the phone number and
goes back to his room and orders a pepperoni pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What did you put
on this pizza?"
The pizza delivery man all confused says,
"Pizza have what you order.....
pepper only."
By Fred B
www.jokes4us.com
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Italian Man
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the
following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly.
"In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sexa? I'm a
justa
tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
By Merkouris
Gorbachev
Gorbachev came to one Siberian village. The only one he saw there
was old,
very old man. He asked this old man, where all the people were. Old
man
answered that all of them are it taiga. Gorbachev asked him to call
people
back, because he wants to talk to common people. Old man took his
gun and
fired into air. In a half of an hour several men appeared and asked
old
man:
"what's the matter, did somebody brought vodka"
"No, Gorbachev came". All men , disappointed, go back to
taiga. But Gorby
was not satisfied with this and asks old man to fire again. He did
it and
again, in a half of an hour, several man appeared
"What's happening, did somebody brought vodka?"
"no, Gorbachev came"
"Did you missed the first time?"
By Dxlton
Italian Father
An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his
oldest son,
"Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a-fuck?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a
eating it."
Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a
fat-a fuck?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a
eating it, it's-a
so good."
Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so
slim-a and-a
trim-a?"
Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a
pussy."
Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
By Steve C
www.jokes4us.com
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MADAME DE GAULLE
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the
British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de
Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure,
such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years!
How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking
forward to in
these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no
one
knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie,
I believe ze
English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
By Taz
Chinese Torture
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.
It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and
he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has
vines covering
most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he
sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and a bearded old man answers. The old man
squints his
eyes and says, "What do you want?"
The young man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have
a meal and sleep in your house for a night."
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot
mess around with my grandaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees saying, "I
promise I won't cause
you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
The old Chinese man replies, "Ok, but if I do catch you then
I'll give you the
three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Agreed," the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?
That night, when the man came to eat after cleaning up, he saw how
beautiful
the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had
only been
lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without
companionship. As the
girl explained she had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather,
they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the
meal.
Later that night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had
quite a
time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. When their love act
was
finished, the man crept back to his room thinking to himself,
"Any three
torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
The next morning the man awoke and felt something heavy pressing on
him. He
opened his eyes and there was a huge rock on his chest. On the rock
was a sign
saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your
chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as
he got up and walked
over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On
the
backside of the rock was another sign saying, "2nd worst
Chinese torture test:
Rock tied to RIGHT testicle."
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
jumped out
the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign
saying "3rd
worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost."
By Scott21
www.jokes4us.com
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Airplane Trouble
There was a black man and his son on a transatlantic flight when the
pilot came
on the PA and told the passengers that unless they offloaded some
weight they
would not make it.
The pilot advised that he was dumping all the luggage and cargo.
Shortly after that the pilot came back on and said that this was not
enough and
that people would have to jump to there death to save all the other
passengers.
After no one volunteered he stated that they would start
alphabetically by race
starting with the A's.
The pilot said, "All the African Americans must get off the
plane!" The boy
stood up and his father pulled him back to his seat and said,
"Sit down!"
Next the pilot came on the PA and said, "all the blacks need to
get off the
plane!" Again the boy stood up and the father pulled him
back once again and
said, "Not yet boy!"
"Now all the colored people!", said the pilot and once
again the boy got up and
again his father pulled him back in his seat. The boy finally said,
"Dad how
come we are not jumping from the plane the pilot called us three
times?" The
father said, "He has not called us. Today we are Niggers and
that is right
after the Mexicans!"
By ScottRD
The Train
A Polish man decided to run down a railway track,
trying to beat an approaching train with his speed.
He started running faster and faster, as fast as he could,
but eventually he is caught by the train and finds himself in a
hospital with many broken bones. Treating his wounds, the doctor
asks
"Stavroski, why didn't you just run up the embankment to avoid
the train?"
"You stupid idiot," Stavroski says.
"If I can't beat it on the flat ground, how will I beat it
uphill?"
Murphy's fight
Murphy walks into the pub, all beaten and bruised, on crutches and
with one arm in a sling.
"Jeez, Murphy, what happened to
you?", asks the Barman
"Ah, It was Mr. Riley"
"But he's such a small man Murphy, why
he's half you size, he must have had something in his hand"
"Aye, that he did, a shovel no less"
"Well, what about yourself, did you have
anything in your hand?", asks the Barman
"I
surely did, Mrs. Riley Tits, and beautiful tings they are, but not
much use in a fight"
By Kickbac
www.jokes4us.com
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Are You A Ghetto Romantic Negro?
1. Do you offer to buy a sack of weed rather than a bouquet of
flowers?
2. Are Boone's Farm, Wild Irish Rose and Cisco the only bottles of
wine that you are familiar with ?
3. Do you consider renting a movie and a 6-pack of Heineken a
romantic date?
4. Do you brag about what you can do sexually ?
5. Do you leave your socks and/or shirt on while making love ?
6. Do you make love while listening to 2Pac, Little Kim or Master P
?
7. Do you look at your pager and/or Answer your cell phone while you
are making love?
8. Do you jump up and put on your clothes immediately after having
sex?
9. Do you call and/or receive calls from other women/men while your
partner is there?
And last but not least......
10. Do you and your partner go "away" for the weekend to
the Super 8 motel,
five minutes from your house ?
If you answer "yes" to any one of these questions, you are
a ghetto romantic Negro!!!!!!!!
By Irene
POKER
Six Jewish men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other
five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell
the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short
one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation
any
worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will
ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the
door,
the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
By Irene
www.jokes4us.com
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The Math Lesson
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried
everything from
tutors to hypnosis, not to mention summer school -- all to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to
enroll their
son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked
in after
school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the
door.
For two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn
about his
desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and
after
quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed
the door
and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first
quarter's
report card. The boy walked in with it unopened -- laid it on the
dinner
table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw the
red 'A'
under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room,
thrilled at his
remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No," said the son, "on that first day, when I walked
in the front door and
saw that Guy nailed to the plus(cross) sign, I KNEW they meant
business!"
By S.C
JEWISH GRANDMA
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided
to
send grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her
ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser
there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also
have O.C."
Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket
to the
cabin boy and he said,
"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are
vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into
her
room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said,
"F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?",
to which she
replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. First U Could Knock!"
By Maria M
www.jokes4us.com
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To: All Law Enforcement Personnel
From: Chief of Police
Subj: EBONICS RIGHTS ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WAIVER
Recently, our department has received numerous complaints stating
that there have been many suspects that did not understand their
Miranda
Rights that were read to them in the standard English text. We feel
that
this may be due to the language barrier between the use of English
and the
use of Ebonics. Effective immediately, suspects will be asked if
they would
prefer their rights read to them in English or Ebonics. For Ebonics,
the
rights and introduction, will be read as follows:
Yo, mutherfucker, 5-0 dun busted yo fucking ass fo (insert
appropriate crime/s). Before we starts rappin, I needs to make sure
we cool
wit
a few thangs.
1. If you don't wants to say shit, you ain't gots to say shit.
2. If you choose to open yo fucking mouth, any shit you says, the
man gonna
use to bust yo ass when you is on the bench.
3. You allowed to have a suit wit ya before we raps and on the
bench. If you
ain't gots the bread fo a suit, wee's gonna give ya one so's you
gots him to
tell the man yo side of the story and you aint got's to pay fo it.
4. If we starts rappin and you thinks 5-0 be dissin yo ass, 5-0 gots
ta stop
talkin.
5. We cool bro.
After you have advised the suspect of his rights, have them
acknowledge it on the new ebonics suspect rights acknowledgement
form
attached. THE CHIEF
By Steve
.
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT INDICATE YOU MIGHT BE AN
ORTHODOX CHRISTIAN
You might be Orthodox if ...
(10) You are still in church more than ten minutes
after the priest says,
"Let us depart in peace."
(9) You forget to change your clock in the spring at
Daylight Savings Time,
show up an hour late, but the service is still going
on....
(8) ...but there are people in your community who
still can't get to church
on time when the clock gets set _back_ an hour in
the fall.
(7) You consider an hour long church service to be
"short."
(6) You buy chocolate bunnies on sale (after Western
Easter).
(5) When someone says, "Let us pray..." you
reflexively stand up.
(4) You went to church four or more times in a week.
(3) Your priest is married...
(2) ...and your vocabulary includes at least three
words that describe the
wife of a priest.
And the number one sign you might be Orthodox is...
(1) You say a prayer before you pray.
By Sopho
www.jokes4us.com
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DEFINITION OF PARADISE
A PLACE WHERE
THE POLICE ARE BRITISH
THE TECHNICIANS ARE GERMAN
THE COOKS ARE FRENCH
THE LOVERS ARE GREEK
AND
EVERYTHING IS ORGANIZED
BY THE SWISS
DEFINITION OF HELL
THE POLICE ARE GERMAN
THE TECHNICIANS ARE FRENCH
THE COOKS ARE BRITISH
THE LOVERS ARE SWISS
AND
EVERYTHING IS ORGANIZED
BY THE GREEKS
By HMBoukis
Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me
luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
By Sopho
.
Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the
street.
They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them
said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
said, "Aye, 'tis
a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite
ill."
By Steve
www.jokes4us.com
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STRANDED ON ISLAND
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,
the
following people are stranded:
a.. two Italian men and one Italian woman
b.. two French men and one French woman
c.. two German men and one German woman
d.. two Greek men and one Greek woman
e.. two English men and one English woman
f.. two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
g.. two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
h.. two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
i.. two American men and one American woman
j.. two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
a.. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.
b.. The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in
a menage-a-trois.
c.. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits
with the German woman.
d.. The two Greek men are playing cards and Backgammon and the Greek
woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
e.. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the
English woman.
f.. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean
and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman
and started swimming.
g.. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
h.. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have
gotten the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their store.
i.. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
because
the American woman keeps on complaining
about her body, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything they
can do, the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees
make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do, how her
relationship with her mother is improving,
and how at least the taxes are low and it
isn't raining.
j.. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and
set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't
having any fun.
By Irene
Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells
him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see,
I have two brothers. One is in America, the other
in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks
one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman
becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then
a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no,
everybody's just fine," He explains,
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church
and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit
though."
By Tom P
www.jokes4us.com
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Here are some simple & commonly used phrases for Anyone
planning on
Vacationing In Greece!!!
-xekola! = Unstick!
-Pos apo 'do proi proi? = How from here morning, morning?
-Ton kako sou to kairo = Your bad weather
-Tis theias sou o kolos = Your aunt's ass
-tha se gelaso = I will laugh U
-Kati trexei sta guftika = something is running in the gypsies
-Gamaei kai dernei = fucks & beats
-Ta pira sto kranio = I took them on the cranium
-Pira anapodes strofes = I took upside down turns
-Mou vgike H pisti anapoda = my faith came out upside down
-Ti Blepo ti douleia = I see the job
-Rixe mia matia = throw a look
-De' Leei = It doesn't say
-Mes'ti kali xara = In the good happiness
-Apo thn poli erxomai kai sth korfi kanella = From the city I come
and at the top cinnamon!
-O ti thumasai xeresai = whatever U remember ur happy
-Alla xezwoalla moirizeis! = other I shit, other U smell!
-Kai gamo! = And fuck!
-Sikwthikan ta podia kai xtupane to kefali = the legs have risen and
are hitting the head.
-kounia pou se kouniage = swing that swings you
-kane kolontoumbes = do summersaults
-i katisaika masa tarama = the goat chews tarama
- sto xorio mou gaidaros petai = im ny village donkeys fly
By Steve C
IRISH JOKES
Two Irishmen are setting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to
Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister,"
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em
all."
-------------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the
morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do
it?"
Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here
like
this...damn! There goes another one!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin'
meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!"
responded McMaken.
-------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink
this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with
a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife
fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
-------------------------------------------------------
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've
somethin'
to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident
down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me..."
"I must, Brenda,... Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda,... He fell into a vat of Guiness
Stout
and drowned,"
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least
go quickly?"
"Well, ... no Brenda ... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
--------------------------------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed
away last night,"
The priest says, "oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he
have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says,... "He said, 'Please, Mary, ... put down that damn
gun...
By Taz
.
AFRICAN RULETTE
A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African
diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had
received from the Russians before the new government kicked them
out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an
airport. Plus,
we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice
game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If
you
want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
"I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built,
nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women
to give
you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't
seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
By Bill K
CHINESE MENU
Suk Mi Pagoda Menu
Suk Mi Pagoda Menu Cuntonese Cuisine
6969 Fellatio Blvd. Escondildo,
CA 281-6969 (that's Two ate one, sixty-nine,sixty-nine)
A -La - Carte
Cream Sum Yung Guy.. Women love it
Cum Drop Soup .... Same as above, but no MSG
Suc Sum Tit ..... Chef's favorite Luncheon
Specials
1. Sum Yung Chick..Sweet and delicious
2. Sum Dum Fuc ...Same as #1 but without brains
3. Wong Hong Lo...Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs
4. Suc Mi Pork....Mostly white meat for light eaters
5. Suc Mi Dork....Mostly dark meat for big eaters
Dinner Combinations
1.Goo in Hand.....For those dining alone
2. Suc Mi Wang.....Traditional Chinese sausage
3. Cum Too Soon.....Order early! These go fast!
4. Sum Dum Chick....Always a low cost favorite
5. Fuc Mei Slo.....Takes 2 hours to prepare
6. Lik Mi Clit.....A lip smacking Oriental treat
7. Goo Wee Chick....No extra charge for sloppy seconds
8. Yung Poon Tang....Fresh daily
9. Too Can Choo.....Includes sausage and fish for two
10. Wai Too Yung.....Not available on school nights
11. Fuc Sum Now.....Raw fish for those in a hurry
12. Tung Sum Chick....Chef's Special
13. Sum Gulp Twat....Low-cal diet special
14. Bang Ho Face.....Served sitting down
15. Bang Ho Butt.....Served with warm oil and jelly
16. Hoo Flung Poo....Lobster bibs & raincoats provided
By Katerina
www.jokes4us.com
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Chinese Proverbs
-- Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to
undoing of fly.
-- Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
-- Man who run in front of car get tired.
-- Man who run in back of car get exhausted
-- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
-- Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
-- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
-- Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
-- Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
-- Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
-- War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
-- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
-- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
-- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
-- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
-- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
-- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
-- Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
-- Crowded elevator smells different to midget
By Bill K
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