"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes
your wife."
How could two
people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love. After having
met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought
Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell
'til I met
you."
"Looking back over the
years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder:
What the fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're
not here to ruin
it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your
sister."
"As you grow older,
Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the
need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what
evil was before
this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would
like to take this
knife out of my back. You'll probably
need it again."
"Someday I hope
to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with
boobs that are
bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great
for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've
broke up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."
"I knew the day would
come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very
long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
here."
"Congratulations on your
new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father
was?"
"You are such a good
friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of
you often."
"Your friends and I
wanted to do something special for your birthday---so
we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas,
Kentucky, Alabama
& Tennessee)