Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so muchit caught my underwear on fire!
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the realworld.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.