15. Virginia Slims cigarette paper now ribbed for her pleasure.
14. Quality programming for kids provided by new "Nick-o-Teen"
13. Hiring O.J. Simpson's detectives to find "the real killers"
12. Launching of the Chinese "Joe Panda" campaign.
11. Buying up all existing copies of "The Insider" and donating
them to deserving children from Borneo and Tibet.
10. "Marlboro Miles" can no longer be used to purchase Pokemon
9. For every 1,000 cartons sold, 1 carton donated to the American
8. "Benson & Hedges" brand renamed to more kid-friendly "Calvin &
7. For poor people who can't afford to eat *and* smoke, free
cigarette included in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes.
6. New slogan: "Cigarettes don't kill people - GUNS kill people!"
5. Considering a campaign to keep cigarettes out of the hands of
4. Investing millions in ad campaign: "A Big Mac?! Christ,
that'll REALLY kill ya!"
3. Raleigh's new William Morris Park paved with tar exhumed from
Yul Brynner's lungs.
2. Bribes for politicians now wrapped in 100% recycled envelopes.
1. New ad campaign for 2000: "You don't have to smoke just
because all the really cool kids do."