Navy Jokes

What did the Navy say to the coast guards?
"I'll SEAL you later"

what did the sailor say to the other when they had a problem?
We are in the same boat.

What is long, hard, and full of semen?
A submarine!

Q: What so you call a snail on a ship?
A: a Snailer

Q: What does your Mom and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
A: They both swallow seamen.

Have you heard about the karate champion who joined the navy?
Well I have. The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself!

A Navy Commander was upset with his son's report card.
All the subjects e.g shooting, strategy and tactics get terrible grades except Math which has an A.
The Navy Commander said 'Kids these days spent more time dividing than conquering'.

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. 
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, 
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. 
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"


A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. 
They were both just getting finished with their shaves, 
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, 
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, 
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.


Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go fuck herself."

Navy Liason
One day while on leave from the Navy, a lonely man went into a bar.
He was talking to this beautiful woman and asked to take her home with him and she agreed.
During sex they guy looks down at her and asks "How am I doing?" He asks
She looks at him and says "About three knots"
Confused the man asks "What do you mean?"
She says "You're KNOT hard, KNOT pleasuring, and you're KNOT getting your money back."

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