Dog Jokes

Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
A: Terrier-fied!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the "barking" lot!

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A: A golden receiver!

Q: What does my dog and my phone have in common?
A: They both have collar I.D.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
A: Dingo Starr!

Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A labracadabrador.

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A: a Greyhound Buzz.

Q: Why wouldn't the dog sit on his chair?
A: Because he left his sheet[shit] on there.

Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.

Q: Why did the dog need help on his Pros and Cons chart?
A: He was CON-fused!

Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Q: What did the skeleton say to the puppy?
A: bonappetite

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A: A friend you can count on.

Q: Did you hear about the dog who couldn't stop talking like a horse?
A: It was a dog and pony show.

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
A: The collie wobbles!

Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Q: What do you call a cold dog?
A: A Chilli Dog.

Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

Q: When does a dog go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What kind of dog chases anything red?
A: A Bulldog.

Q: Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
A: Because he was a German shepherd.

Q: What state do dogs like?
A: New Yorkie.

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

Q: What is a dogs favorite instrument?
A: A trombone.

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: What's a dog's ideal job?
A: Barkeology

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Why does no one want to work for dogs?
A: Because they hound their employees.

Q: What do you call a dog that goes to the bathroom indoors?
A: A pet project.

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What do dogs and story tellers have in common?
A: They both have tails!

Q: What kind of dog likes taking a bath?
A: a shampoodle!

Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geysur?
A: It starts raining cats and dogs.

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

Q: What is a dog's favorite sport?
A: Formula 1 drooling!

Q: What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A: A Great Dane out!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter.... he's not going to come anyway.

Q: What dog can jump higher than a tree?
A: Any dog can jump higher than a tree, trees cant jump.

Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

Q: What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
A: "I must throw that doggie out the window!"

Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!

Q: Why did the owner get his dog a special collar?
A: He didn't want her to flea.

Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he cant make a fist

Q: Why does the dog bring toilet paper to the party?
A: Because he is a party pooper.

Q: What is a dog's favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate!

Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog!

Q: What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A: A sausage dog!

Q: What did the cat say to the dog?
A: Check meow-t!

Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A: Use a pencil instead!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: What do you call a dog that licks an electrical socket?
A: Sparky.

Q: Where did the dog fall asleep?
A: In the barking lot.

Q: What do you call a dog that swallows a ball?
A: Ballshit.

Q: What's a dogs favorite kind of pizza?
A: Pupperoni.

Q: What time is it when ten dogs chase a cat?
A: Ten After One.

Q: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A: A watch dog.

Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree?
A: Because of its bark.

Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!

Q: What do you call a dog with a fever?
A: A hot dog.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: What happens when you name your dog after Tiger Woods?
A: You give a dog a bad name.

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: Why can't dogs work the DVD remote?
A: Because they always it the Paws button!

Q: What did the dog say to the sandpaper?
A: Ruff.

Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!

Q: What do you tell the guy who says he has a bulldog and shih tzu mix?
A: Bullshit

Q: Why wasn't the dog a smooth talker?
A: Because all he ever said was "Rough, Rough"

Q: What do you call a dog with a surround sound system?
A: a Sub-woofer.

Q: What do dogs eat for breakfast?
A: Pooched eggs.

Q: What do you call a pug that is undercover?
A: Indognito
Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!

Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!

Q: What's more amazing than a talking dog?
A: A Spelling Bee.

Q: Why do all dogs go to Heaven?
A: Because Michael Vick is in Hell.

Q: What kind of dress shoe does Michael Vick wear?
A: Hush Puppies!

Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!

Q: What did the dog say to the tree?
A: Bark

Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: By pressing the paws button.

Q: Why did the dog sleep under the car?
A: Because he wanted to wake up oily.

Q: What is the fastest dog in the world?
A: A Labraghini.

Q: Where do you put barking dogs?
A: In a barking lot.

Q: What was the special offer at the pet store this week?
A: Buy 1 Dog get 1 Flea!

Q: Where do dogs go after their tails fall off?
A: The re-tail store.

Q: What did the dog say to the flea?
A: Stop bugging me!

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A pit bull in a park.

Q: What do you call a dog that can use the toilet?
A: A "poo-dle"

Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?
A: a chili dog on a bun!

Q: Why did the dog stay in the shade?
A: Because he did not want to turn into a hot dog.

Q: Why did the dog bury himself in the back yard?
A: Cause you can't grow a tree without bark.

Q: What do you do when your dog goes missing in the forest?
A: Put your ear to a tree and listen for the bark.

Q: What do you do when the UPS man apologizes for smashing your stuff?
A: You call off the dogs.

Q: What do you call a cross between a matador and a cute little puppy dog?
A: "A cocker Spaniard."

Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!

Q: Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
A: It was a shih tzu

Q: Have you read the book Raising Dogs?
A: No? you should it's a pup-up book.

Q: What do you call a boy named Charlie walking his dog to the park?
A: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
A: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
A: Cockerpoodledoo!

Q: What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
A: A shaggy dogs tale!

I asked my dog what's that thing on top of the house?
And the he said "Roof Roof".

What did the tree say to the dog?
Tree: Do you like bark?
Dog: What do you think? I bark every day of my life. Of course I do

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different Languages. For example, in China a Dog makes a Sizzling noise.

Would you like to buy a male dog or female dog? B**ch please.

Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!

I have a dog named TAX and when I open the door; INCOME TAX.

A little japanese breed dog bit a man and the owner got the shitzued out of him!

A three legged dog walks in the bar and says - "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw"

Yo Momma is so ugly, her dog closes its eyes when it humps her leg.

One dog was a great classical music composer...Johan Sebastian BARK!

I went to a zoo yesterday it was rubbish as it only had 1 dog, so I went to ask for my money back as this was a shitzoo.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

My puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky.

Draw eyebrows on your dog and laugh until he gets a bath.

I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal. It was a shitzu.

A girl is walking on the road with her dog. A municipality officer stops her and asks for her dogs license.
But she says my dog is only seven he dosent drive.

Man: I have a dog that doesn't have a nose.
Other Man: And how does he smell?
Man: Awful.

Boy : When I get older I am getting a dog.
Girl: Cool what's his name going to be.
Boy: Naked.
Girl: Why naked?
Boy: So when my friend's come over I can tell them I am walking naked down the street.

I bought a new pet dog and called it William.
Three days later I got arrested for asking female work colleagues if they would like to see a picture of my Willie...

Little Sister
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?"
Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister"
And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Playing Chess
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had
a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to
his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the
bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to
walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the
Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer
said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're
very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark
glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the
Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer
said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me
a fricking Chihuahua?"

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say.
Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face.
Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will
make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't
care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you.
Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have
someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play
with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like
they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly  sneak
out the back door.

One day a lady took a dingo to the vet. The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head.
"I'm sorry your dingo is dead" said the doctor.
"How could you be so sure" the lady said.
So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat. The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head.
The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead.
With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. "$400, why $400?".
The doctor replied "If you had've believed me first it would of been $60".
"But why still" the lady insists.
To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"

German Shepard
"I have beautiful dog, a German Shepard. She is an amazing creature. We have lots of fun together. I never do anything weird with her, except that I let her smell my crotch once in a while. I call my dog, Claudia Sniffer."
The Telegram
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

There was a couple, the husband wanted a new recliner cause their dog chewed it all up.
They went to the store and bought a new recliner, he went to his bedroom to get comfortable and came back to the living room finding his chair was all chewed up.
He yelled out loud "Shit Sue."
She said , "Your write the Shitz tzu did it."

Dog Owners
A dog owner walks up to a neighbors property. He approaches a man and asks "Is the dog at the entrance is yours?"
"Yes" the neighbor replied.
"I'm sorry, but my Chihuahua dog has killed his great Dane." said the man
"Impossible! Hahaha! Have you seen the size of my dog?" the neighbor replied
"Precisely: my chihuahua is stuck in your dog's throat."

Leopard and Dog
Somewhere in Africa an inhabitant of a small village heads for the nearest town with his dog.

During the walk the dog breaks free, breaks the leash from his leash and runs off into the jungle.

While the dog is looking for the way back to his master he sees a leopard approaching with the clear intent of eating him.
The dog panics, but he sees bones on the ground and has an idea.
Then he turns his back to the leopard and begins to suck a bone while awaiting the arrival of the leopard.

When the leopard is within earshot, the dog says aloud: "Oh my god this leopard is the best meat I have ever had! Who knows if there are others around here?"
The leopard, begins to worry and decides to run away.

From a nearby tree a monkey witnesses the deceit and decides to exploit this information to his advantage against the leopard.
The monkey goes to the leopard's den and tells him everything, in the hope that he will become his friend and protector.

The leopard after hearing the monkey's tale tells him: "Take me to this dog! He has taken advantage of me on my territory! Mount on my back, lead me to him and I will be forever in your favor!"

The leopard and the monkey then head for the dog.

But the dog sees the monkey and the leopard coming in the distance, he senses his deceptions has been uncovered. So the dog turns his back to the two animals, who are about to arrive and when they are a few yards away he exclaims:
"Go and trust the monkeys! I knew I shouldn't have told him anything! It has been a half an hour since I sent him to look for another leopard and he's not back yet!"

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