Office Jokes
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
What's the difference between a Kia and the Principals office?
It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principals office.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
What does a USC grad call a UCLA grad in 5 years?
Boss!
What does a Boss and a diaper have in common?
They are always on your ass and always full of shit.
How do you know your company is underwater?
When your boss walks in and brags about Finding Dory.
What's the difference between a CEO and a carp?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
What do you call a boss that refuses to fire anyone?
All talk and no subtraction.
What do you call a duck in a doctors office?
Nurse quacktioner.
What does Middle Management and a bottle of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
B.O.S.S. = Built On Self Success
Yo momma so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to work in the morning is the front door.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
Wanda Sykes
Boss: Times on the company are hard and you and Jack are great Employees. But I am going to have either Lay you or Jack off.
Secretary: You're going to have to jack off because I have a headache.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes
Worker: "I can't come to work, I'm sick."
Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."
Worker calls back: "It worked. I'm better. You got nice house!"
Boss: "This is the fifth day of the week that you are late. What conclusion can you draw?"
Worker: "That it's friday and it won't happen again tomorrow."
Native American
A Native American walks into a bar with a bag of buffalo manure in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He walks to the bar and orders a cup of coffee. He drinks the coffee in one gulp, throws the bag in the air, shoots it with the shotgun and walks out.
The next day he walks into the same bar and orders a cup of coffee. He drinks the coffee in one gulp, throws the bag in the air, shoots it with the shotgun and walks out.
The next day he walks back into the bar and tries to order coffee. The bar tender says hold on their chief. We still haven't cleaned up the mess from yesterday. What is your problem?
The Indian says, "Me in executive training program...Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for the rest of the day".
Management Lessons
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses
and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, "We should be
the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went
on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed.
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Doug. The midget!
Everybody Knows Andre
Andre was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Andre how about George Clooney?" Andre replied: "Sure, yes, George and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Andre and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on George Clooney's door and sure enough, George Clooney shouts: "Andre! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Andre's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Clooney's house, he tells Andre that he thinks him knowing Clooney was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Andre says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Andre says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Andre on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Andre, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Andre, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Andre. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Andre and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Andre says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Andre emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Andre returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Andre asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Andre?"
Blonde Who Left Work Early
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided
that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in
bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!!"
Raise
Jacob walks into his boss's office. "Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise."
After a few minutes of negotiating the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Jacob happily gets up to leave.
"By the way", asks the boss as Jacob is getting up, "which three companies are after you?"
"The electric company, water company, and phone company", Jacob replied.
Nazaki Hi
An American businessman was going on a buisness trip to Japan.
He was going to spend a week there so he figured what the hell i'll get a hooker.
So he walks around and he takes her back to his hotel room.
So hes sitting there giving it to her when she starts yelling nazaki hi! nazaki hi!
So he figures I must be giving it to her good. So he keeps going. He got done paid her then she went off.
The next day his japanese boss called him and asked if he wanted to go golfing, he said sure.
So they were golfing for awhile when his boss got a hole in one.
So the worker was thinking of something to say in japanese.
So he had thought of the hooker, he started yelling nazaki hi, nazaki hi.
The japanese boss looks at him a says what do you mean wrong hole?
My Eyes
A guy calls his boss and says "I can't come to work today
The boss asks why and the guy says "It's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead...."
Slacker
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks "How much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $ 200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Anyone know what that slacker did here?"
With an uncontrollable grin, one of the other workers mutters "Pizza delivery guy".
The Boss
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
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