Diet Jokes

Why shouldn't you worry about gaining a few extra pounds?
Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Did you hear about the seafood diet?
You see food and you eat it.

Your fat and you need to go on a diet.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light she starts to eat. -Henry Youngman

Did you hear about the Dr. DoLittle Diet?
You talk to food instead of eating it.

You can't lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.

D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?
D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?
D.I.E.T. = Don't Indulge Every Time

Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
He'll dessert you.

Why can't Mr. Potato Head do the Atkins diet?
His body runs on carbs.

Did you hear about the hungry clock?
He went back four seconds.

What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A beer in each hand.

Have you seen the movie about the Atkins diet?
Dude, Where's My Carbs?

What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A desserter.

Doctor, I think I'm Bipolar!
(Why's That?)
Because I hate to get fat but I love to eat.

Why do people on a diet eat TV dinners?
So they could watch what they eat!

When should you go on a cheese diet?
If you need to cheddar a few pounds.

What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale?
A balanced meal.

Why should you go to the paint store if your on a diet?
You can get thinner there.

How do most people curb their appetite?
At the drive thru window.

What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?
A Spoon.

What do you call a fascist vegan?
Lactose intolerant.

What do vegan zombies eat?

Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they are used to eating nuts!

What do you call the king of vegetables?
Elvis Parsley.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
One if nobody's looking.

Why are most horses in shape?
Because they are on a stable diet.

Have you seen the Spy thriller about fat people?
It's called "Tomorrow Never Diets"

How do you know your low fat diet is working?
The fat hangs lower every day.

What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter

STOP telling me about your diet.
Just shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight.
Apparently, he's trying to "Diet Hard".

If your dog is too fat, then your not getting enough exercise.

Dieting is not a piece of cake.

The Nutritionist, Dermatologist and Orthopedist merged their practices into one.
They call it skin and bones.

I know it's 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Suck it up now, so you don't have to suck it in later.

"I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna exercise everyday. I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it." ....... "Is that cake?"

I'm on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around, I eat.

Yo mamma so fat, when she went on a diet, she ended world hunger.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Gluten, putting the die back into diet.

Diets are for people that are thick and tired of it.

Long Life
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
The doctor replies "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

Diet Coke
Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured the other blonde.

"I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

Television Commercial
An overweight man sees an ad on his TV, for a guaranteed 5 lb. a week weight loss program.
He decides, "what the hell", and calls and purchases it.
A week later a beautiful woman shows up at his door wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes, a smile, and a sign around her neck which read, "if you can catch me you can have me", and she started running. He followed. This continued everyday for that week, guaranteed, he lost five lbs.
After that, the man saw an ad for a 7 lb. a week weight loss program, which he signs up for.
The next day, an even more beatiful woman shows up at his door in similar conditions, and she started running.
But this time, he almost caught her.
But, guaranteed, he lost 7 lbs. that week.
He then signs up for the MAXPRO 10 lb. a week program.
The next day, a 300 lb. muscle man shows up at his door wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erectiona and a sign around his neck which read, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
The man lost 17 lbs. that week

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