Vegetarian Jokes

Q: Why do vegans give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts.

Q: Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
A: Because they don't eat meat.

Q: What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A: A non-dairy creamer.

Q: What do Tofu And Dildos Have In Common?
A: They're Both Meat Substitutes!

Q: What do yo call a vegan post-punk band?
A: Soy Division.

Q: What did Cher say to the vegan?
A: I Got Tofu babe.

Q: What do you call a dumb omnivore?
A: a meathead!

Q: Why do gay vegetarians only eat hummus?
A: Because they are hummusexuals?

Q: Did you hear about the vegan Zombie?
A: He went to the insane asylum and only ate the vegetables!

Q: Why are vegans detrimental to the earth?
A: Because they produce immense amounts of methane.

Q: What do you call a fascist vegan?
A: Lactose intolerant.

Q: How many carnivores does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to stay in the dark!

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Everybody knows they can't change anything.

Q: What's the best way to keep milk fresh?
A: Leave it in the cow!

Q: What does a cannibal do after he eats a vegetable?
A: He throws away the wheelchair!

Q: What is the Native American word for vegetarian?
A: "Poor hunter!"

Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A Salad Shooter

Q: Why do people kill animals?
A: Fur convenience steak.

Q: Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to seitan!

Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
A: One if nobody's looking.

Q: What did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian?
A: We have to stop meating like this.

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Q: How was the vegan busted hijacking the Soy Delicious delivery truck?
A: The FBI traced noxious fumes from the scene of the crime.

Q: What did Darth Vader say when he walked into a vegetarian restaurant?
A: I find your lack of steak disturbing.

Q: Why does the vegan never get any play?
A: Because she/he has really bad gas.

Q: What is a carnivores favorite bumper sticker?
A: "I love animals. They taste so good."

Q: What does a vegan zombie eat?
A: GgggggRrrAaaaIiiiNNnnnSSsss!

Q: Why did the vegetarian cross the road?
A: Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN!

Q: What do you call a vegetarian who starts eating meat?
A: Someone who lost their veg-inity!

Q: Why don't vegans eat chickens?
A: They have eggs in them!

Vegan Mom: Honey, Animals are living breathing things and we can't eat them!
Son: If animals aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?

Whenever I'm near an uptight vegan,
I tend to walk on eggshells...which really upsets them.

I'm trying to go vegan but I still sneak away for an occasional burger.
Sometimes you need a little meat time.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak

I eat meat and I feel bad for the animals, but I mean.. run faster I guess and stop tasting good.

This girl from my school said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

What do Vegans fear the most? Nutritionists with facts.

Dear Vegetarians, I season my meat with your food.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, it is because I hate plants.

I'm on a vegan diet; they taste great!

A carnivore and a herbivore were in a fight and the carnivore ate the herbivore and said there wasn't much meat on him.

My mom served us vegetarian breakfast sausage this morning so if anyone has the phone number for the International War Crimes Tribunal that'd be great.

I think my black friend is a vegetarian. Whenever I see him, he always has a large cucumber in his front pocket.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Every vegetarian has a "V" card. Every carnivore wants to take it.

Vegetarian is derived from the hindu word for "bad hunter".

Everyone's a pacifist between wars. It's like being a vegetarian between meals.

Two Accountants
One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street.
One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat!
After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"
The carnivore replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"
As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over.
The carnivore called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able.
The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
He told the uninjured carnivore, "I have good news, and I have bad news.
The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear, celery out of the other, and a mushroom up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

Anti-Vegetarian Bumper Stickers:

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!"

"I love animals. They taste so good."

"Save a Cow, eat a vegetarian"

"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"

"I follow a strict vegan diet. I eat only vegans."

"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"

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