What do you call a Marine with an open head wound?
A marine sergeant was upset with his son's report card.
All the subjects e.g shooting, strategy and tactics get terrible grades except Math which has an A.
The marine sergeant said 'Kids these days spent more time dividing than conquering'.
Have you heard about the karate champion who joined the marines?
Well I have. The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself!
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
As the Korean war was at a stalemate the US realized that they didn't
know how many prisoners they had so they appointed a Marine Colonel to
do a census of all the prison camps.
He walked in the office of a prison and asked the ROK soldier there how
many prisoners there were.
"Many, many", he replied.
"No, I need to know exactly how many for my report".
"We have many, many", he replied again.
The Colonel then asked if there was someone who could give him the exact
The soldier said that a Marine Sergeant sitting at the next desk might be able to tell him.
He went over to the Sergeant and said,
"How many prisoners do you have here, son".
"Colonel, we've got a piss pot full".
The Colonel said, "Now why the hell couldn't that little SOB have told me that".