Barber Jokes
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Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard?
The barber.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
A barbercue.
What do you call a man without a beard?
A woman.
How can you tell if a man with a beard is gay or straight?
The smell.
Why don't men with beards need vacuums?
They already have crumb catchers.
What do you call a goat with a beard?
Goatee.
What's the worst part of having a beard?
Being confused as a hipster.
How did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
What kind of facial hair helps you fake your own death?
Star-burns.
What do you call a bald drug dealer with facial hair?
Heisenberg.
The average man with facial hair touches it over 700 times a day.
Dear Disney, why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his beard.
Yo momma so old she knew gandalf before he had a beard.
I like big beards and I can not lie.
"Don't point that beard at me. It might go off." -Groucho Marx
Men who wear these big thick beards with scraped back hair? Is it Fashion or is Ireland up to something again?
"Kissing a guy with a beard is a lot like going on a picnic. You don't mind going through a little bush to get there." -Minnie Pearl
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
Rome Trip
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the
trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go
there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So,
how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?"
exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are
you
staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get
there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people
trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy
trip
of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The
barber
asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man,
"not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me
hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25
million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the
presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into
his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?
Heavenly Soldiers
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."
Flea Master
Theres is flea, that just hates his life.
One day he goes to the flea master and says to him "I am miserable, will you please put me somewhere where I am happy."
The flea master thinks and says, "I have somewhere I can put you." I will put you up on a horses hind, you'll really love it there."
So the master puts the flea up on the hind of the horse.
The next day the flea calls the master again and says "You have to get me out of here. This horse is killing me with his tail"
The master says "I have another place I can put you. I will put you up high on an old country singers beard named Willie Nelson. You'll really love it there."
The next day the flea tells the master again "You have to get me out of here, this pot smoking guy is killing me"
The master says "I have one more place I will put you and I dont want to hear another word out of you."
"I will put you on young Taylor Swift's snatch." The master again tell the flea "You really love it there."
So the master picks the flea up and place him onto Taylor Swift's snatch.
The next day the flea calls the flea master , the masters says "I told you I didnt want to hear from you again, to leave me alone."
The flea says "But master you dont understand, I'm back in Willie Nelson beard."
Biker Club
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Hand Job
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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