Men Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Q: What's the most common sleeping position of a man?
A: Around.

Q: What does a penis and an ego have in common?
A: All men have one!

Q: What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A: A power failure.

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"

What is the difference between a man and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead before ripping your heart out.

Q: How can you tell if your man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many knees do men really have?
A: 3.... right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

Q: When would you want a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What do you give a man with everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorwrist

Q: What do you call a man with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: There isn't enough time.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.

Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
A: They never stop to ask for directions

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Why are men sexier than women?
A: You can't spell sexy without xy.

Why are men like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

Q: Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job?
A: He still ends up with the same boss.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their DNA.

Q: What do you call a married man vacuuming?
A: Doing what he's told...

Q: Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?
A: They're stuck in adolescence.

Q: Why are Men like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!

Q: Why are men like cars?
A: Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming. 

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Q: What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man?
A: A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

Q: Why did the man keep going in circles?
A: He didn't get the point.

Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they are pigs.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack

Q: How does the man help clean the house?
A: Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q: What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth?

Q: How do males exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A: A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Q: What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs?
A: They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. Why don't women have men's brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

Q: Why did god invent men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do so much better.

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!

Q: How is a man like a used car?
A: Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

Q: How do you stop a man from raping you?
A: Throw him the remote control.

Q: Why do men prefer blondes?
A: Because they like intellectual companionship.

Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
A: A barbercue

Q: What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A: A pizza and a six pack.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient!

Q: What is the difference between a man and a tree?
A: One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A: A tearjerker.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What do men and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q: What do you call a man who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A: "My wife says..."

Q: How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper?
A: We don't know it's never happened.

Q: What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover?
A: A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A: So men can understand them.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys an extra case of beer.

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
A: The man.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius! 

Q: Why do some guys have Red Eyes after Sex?
A: Mace.

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q: What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A: Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Q. How do you drive a man crazy?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

Q: Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q: Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City?
A: Becuase she was being led by three boys

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phones home.

Q: When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl?
A: Right after he "comes" inside.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: What did the elephant say to a naked man?
A: Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

Q. Why do most men prefer cats over dogs?
A. Because we hate bitches but we love us some pussy.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen,
remember... that's where the knives are kept.

Why are women so irritable?
Because men are so irritating.

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one.
Break they're bones. They have over 200 of them.

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar....
There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

Every woman should have four pets in her life.
A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

A boy has SWAG
A man has STYLE
A gentleman has CLASS

Men: Bros before Hoes.
Women: Sisters before Misters.

H.U.S.B.A.N.D. = He Understands situations better and never disappears.

Real men stay faithful. They don't have time to look for other women, because they are too busy loving the one they have.

When a girl cancels a date it's because she has to. But when a guy cancels a date it's because he has two.

90% of women like men in pink T-Shirt. But ironically, 90% of men in pink T-Shirts don't like women.

Women fall in love with what they hear, men fall in love with what they can see, that's why women wear make up and men lie.

Women are like iphones! You have to touch them all over before they respond..Men are like Blackberry! Rub one ball and everything moves!

Real men don't wear pink, they eat it.

Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

On average, women cry between 30 and 64 times a year. Men cry up to six times a year

Men are like fish neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Some men forget their anniversary, others save a lot of money pretending to forget.

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.

Confucius Say, "Man with Hard problem, give it to Women".

Men cheat on good women with bad women. Women choose bad men over good men. The circle of life.

Real men stay faithful. They don't have time to look for other women, because they're too busy looking for new ways to love their own.

Two men walk into a bar. The first man asks for H2O. The second man says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second man dies.

Swag is for boys. Class is for men.

Some men learn quickly, while others still argue with a woman.

A man�s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

I like my men like my tea: Strong, Sweet, and Southern.

Real men know it's not about the jean size of the woman, it's about the size of her heart and her personality.

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.

Men with good intentions make promises. Men with good character keep them.

Spider man is not the not the only one who gets his hands sticky using the web

Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Men, if you've done your job properly, there should be a little splash when you stick it in.

Did you know that married men are dying to get into funeral homes.

If men can't focus on two things at once, then why do women have boobs?

If all men are the same, then why does it take a women so long to choose.

Stressed men tend to find heavier women more attractive.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the guys out there in the friendzone.

A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.

Men are biologically more attracted to women with big butts because this indicates fertility.

The average guy spends about one year of his life just staring at women.

Confucious says, "Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night".

Confucious says,"Man who piss in wind, wind piss back"!

Boys and sleep. Two things I hated when I was little, but can't get enough of now.

Men are not like dogs. They're not nearly as easy to train.

Women don't know what they want, Men never know what they have.

Real men like curves. Dogs like bones.

A woman shot her husband, drowned him, and hung him. Then,they eat dinner. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
Answer: She was taking a photo of her husband. She shot it, developed it, and hung it to dry.

Man: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Woman: How funny?
Man: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..

Boy: Do you want a kiss?
Girl: No.
Boy: Do you remember what i just said?
Girl: Do you want a kiss?
Boy: Yes, if you insist..

Boy: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
Girl: What about Rest?
Boy: Well rest are Married!

Girl: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me..
Boy: What a joke? Okay then, let's start with Kisses!"

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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