Back to: Miscellaneous Jokes
Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
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A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
A: Because you can't drink and derive...
Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?
A: There, Their, They're
Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: What is Grammar?
A: The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing youíre shit.
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the school dance?
A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.
Q: What's the difference between a dead prostitute and school?
A: School still sucks!
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
A: They required an orientation.
Q: How did the geography student drown?
A: His grades were below C-level
Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: Why is a math book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9
Q: What is a chalkboard's favorite drink?
A: hot chalk-olate!
Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Q: How does a math professor propose to his fiancťe?
A: With a polynomial ring!
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Rubber-band -- because it streches.
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Q: How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?
Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!!
Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3.
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin.
Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four
Q: How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles?
Q: What do you call a music teacher with problems?
A: a trebled man.
Q: How did the Janitor Die?
A: HE Kicked the bucket
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Q: Did you hear they're changing the flooring in daycare centers?
A: They're calling it infant-tile!
Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious
Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate).
Q: Name a bus you can never enter?
A: A syllabus
Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal"
Q: Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
A: Because it's basic material.
Q: If H20 is water what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
School is pointless. English: We speak it. History: They're dead. Math: We have calculators. Spanish: We have Dora.
If school isn't a place to sleep then home isn't a place to study.
I wish school was as easy as half the girls in it.
That awkward moment when an emo kid goes to McDonald's and orders a Happy Meal.
Hey Google, why don`t you sit next to me during my exam?
If sleep is really good for the brain, then why is it not permitted in school?
If you make a camp to help kids with ADHD, then is it a concentration camp?
If a picture is worth a thousands words, then why shouldn't we judge a book by its cover?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, "It wasn't that hard."
That awkward moment when you go to a new school and don't get a vampire boyfriend.
2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests.
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans
S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life
S.C.H.O.O.L. = Sucks Children's Happiness Out Of Life
Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?
Teacher: If a chicken give you meat, a pig give you bacon, what does a fat cow give you?
Teacher: "Why are you talking during my lesson?"
Student: "Why are you teaching during my conversation?"
Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"
Simon: "No Mis."
Mom: What did you learn in school?
Son: Not enough I have to go back again tomorrow.
Teacher: How can we keep the school clean?
Student: By staying at home.
Teacher: What is irony?
Student: "Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe."
(1) Say "Eye"
(2) Spell the word "Map"
(3) Say "Ness".
SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4.
HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8.
EXAM: Matthew has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the sun's mass.
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"
A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"
Grammar walks into a Bar
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synoynm ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.
A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "Thatís disgusting, I wonít even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"Thatís easy," says Johnny. "Itís the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "Thatís correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didnít do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, youíre in for a BIG disappointment."
Applying For A Job
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.
George W Bush
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet
Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: Where's the p?
Boy: "Half way down my leg."
Son: "My math teacher is crazy".
Son: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2."
Wife or Girlfriend
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."
Teacher: Describe hydrogen
Student: It is a prostitute element
Teacher: Who taught you that?
Student: You said it does not belong to a particular group and it reacts with almost all the elements in the periodic table.
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school?
Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"
One day I went into school all puzzled and said to my teacher "Miss will i get into trouble for something i havent done ?"
She said "No why"
I said " Because I havent done my homework.
At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab.
A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."
John wrote an article in the school paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation.
The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off.
No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die.
The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. yada yada yada
Anyway, the local newspaper reporter read this story in his daughters school paper and decided to do a follow up.
If you haven't figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water.
The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings.
Anyhow, this reporter ran the article in a paper and started a local push for a government study before they realized what the story was about.
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