Biology Jokes
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: How do you tell the gender of a person?
A: You pull there genes down.
Q: Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages?
A: He was a man of many cultures.
Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?
A: Designer jeans.
Q: Why are men sexier than women?
A: You can't spell sexy without xy
Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: Why can't a plant be on the darkside of the Force?
A: Because it can't make food without the light!
Q: What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe?
A: Mitosis
Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.
Q: What does DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association
Q: What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi.
A: I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Q: What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy?
A: Chemotaxis
Q: How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?
A: Romeostasis
Q: What do you call a FISH with no Eyes?
A: A FSH.
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
Q: What is bloods message to the world?
A: B POSITIVE
Q: What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
A: I like your "style"
Q: How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?
A: He caught the garter snake.
Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Q: Where do you bury dead people?
A: Asymmetry
Q: What do football players wear on their heads?
A: Helminth
Q: What is the study of real estate?
A: Homology
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Q: Why was the scuba diver failing Biology?
A: Because he was below "C" level.
Q: How did the blonde define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills.
Q: Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone?
A: Cause They "FLU" AWAY
Q: What is the reproductive area in South America?
A: Spermatagonia
Q: Where do hippos go to university?
A: Hippocampus
Q: What type of flowers does everybody have?
A: two-lips.
Q: How do you know your dehydrated?
A: You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Q: How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Q: Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards?
A: They like to avoid the flush.
Q: Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever?
A: "smallpox"
Q: Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets?
A: Polly, Ethel and Ian
There is a problem with noses.
What is it?
They all ways get in other people's business.
Huh?
They're just too nosy!
Biology the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
Why do noses run but feet smell?
A cross eyed biology teacher was fired because she could not keep her pupils straight
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
There were for houses on a street the red house was made out of brick he purple house was made out of brick and the yellow house was made out of brick what was the greenhouse made out of?
Have you ever heard the story about the germ?
No?
Really? Never mind it will get around.
Biology Teacher: "Students, what does the chiken give you?"
Student(s): Eggs and Meat!
Teacher: "Great! What dose the pig give you?"
Student(s): Bacon!
Teacher: "Excellent! Now what does the fat cow give you?"
Student(s): HOMEWORK!!
A paramecium and an amoeba are walking down the street. The amoeba asks "So, lacking any psuedopodia, how do you manage to get around?
The paramecium replies "A cilia question I've never heard!"
Psychic Hotline
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."
Zoo
An unemployed biologist from Roche pharmaceuticals was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job.
He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo.
In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.
The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Howard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
Human Body
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
Doing It
Biologists do it with clones.
Botanists do it in the bushes.
Zoologists do it with animals.
Organic Vegetables
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.
The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"
To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."
Biologist's Garden
Once there was a beautiful biologist who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her genetically enhanced tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Biology Pick Up Lines:
The only cleavage I want to see is at a cellular level.
If we were like chromosomes, you'd be my homologous pair .
Baby, I wish I were DNA Helicase, so I could unzip your genes
Girl whenever I'm near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away.
If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: Smooth or Rough?
I wish I was adenine, then I could get paired with U.
Your chromosomes have combined beautifully
Girl, your so hot you denature my proteins
I like my sex the way I like my endoplasmic reticulum.....Rough.
You must be a gibberelin, because I'm experiencing some stem elongation.
Baby, everytime i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up
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