Real Estate Jokes

What does a real estate agent use for birth control?
His personality.

What is the study of real estate?

Why didn't the hipster real estate agent show the oceanside mansion?
It was too current.

How can you know if your bank is hurting from the mortgage crisis?
You try to cash a check and they tell you to come back with a gun!

Why don't real estate agents read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

Why do appraisers carry a wasp in their hand?
Value is in the eye of the bee holder.

What's the difference between a real estate agent and an accountant?
The accountant knows he is boring.

Why was the real estate agent so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 9 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.

Do you know how to save a drowning real estate agent?
Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between the male sperm and an real estate agent?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.

What do you have when 100 mortgage brokers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of mortgage brokers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What's the difference between a female real estate agent and a pit bull?

What's a mortgage broker?
A real estate agent without the sense of humour.

What is the definition of a good real estate agent?
Someone who has a mortgage loophole named after him.

Why did God invent economists?
So real estate agents could have someone to laugh at.

How do you get a real estate agent out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Why are people afraid of losing one hour of sleep because of daylight savings time?
After losing their home, job, and 401k nothing scares them now!

If a real estate agents wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank 300 grand, that's the bank's problem.

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Property Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

"I need a raise in my commission," the real estate agent said to his manager. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

A small real estate broker was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST AGENTS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST COMMISSIONS. The small real estate broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own brokerage-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Young Man
An awkward young man began making almost daily trips to my window to withdraw or deposit money. I wasn't sure if he liked me until he presented this note with his bank book: "Dear Mary, I've been SAVING this question in the hope that I might gain some INTEREST. If free Friday, would you care to DEPOSIT yourself beside me at a movie? I've taken into ACCOUNT that you may be previously engaged; if so, I'll WITHDRAW my offer and hope for Saturday. At any RATE, your company would be much enjoyed, and I hope you'll not ASSESS this as too forward. CHECK with you later.

Poor Family
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding." So he chooses to check out hell first.

He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody's doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.

Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He's bored in about five minutes.

St. Peter then says to the apartment manager, "I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision." The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, "Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I've decided that I want to go to hell". So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell.

When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there's fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain. So he goes over to Satan and says "Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?"

Satan looks at him and says "You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you're just another resident!"

Three Professionals
A doctor, a lawyer and a real estate agent were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The real estate agent says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go and sell some homes.

Credit Union
Two real estate agents go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the real estate agents, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, the first real estate agent jams something in the other agents hand. Without looking down, the other real estate agent whispers, "What is this?" to which the first real estate agent replies, "It's that $100 I owe you."

Bank Closed
Here's a true story that happened to a friend's father:

He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!"

It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.

I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.

Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private
club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings.

A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.
I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,800.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $80,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last
year ... it's on sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre
of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $750,000... a magnificent price, and I see that
we have that much in the bank to cover it..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $720,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

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