Pilot Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and God?
A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza?
A: A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.

If you masterbate on a plane do they charge you with "hi-jacking"?

Q: What do you call a space pilot who lives dangerously?

Q: What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport?
A: Terminal illness.

Q: Why do 747s have humps?
A: So the pilot can sit on his wallet.

Q: What do you get when you cross an airplane with a magician?
A: a flying sorcerer.

Q: Wanna know how to make a small fortune running a charter airline?
A: Start out with a large one.

Q: What do you call a black pilot?
A: a pilot, you racist.

Q: What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
A: Pilot error.

Q: What seperates three whores form two alcoholics?
A: The cockpit door!

Q: What do you call a plane that's about to crash?
A: An "Error Plane"

Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
A: Plane Chocolate!

Q: Why will a pilot never starve to death?
A: He can always boil his tie. (pilots eat with food in lap; getting tie dirty)

Q: How is Southwest Airlines capitalizing on Tiger Woods infidelty woes?
A: By introducing a special Tiger Woods rate where mistresses fly free!

Q: Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
A: Because they would quack up!

Q: What do you a call pilot that took economics?
A: Anna F

Q: Why can't spiders become pilots?
A: Because they only know how to tailspin.

Q: Where can you find Tom Cruise on a flight?
A: In Risky Business class.

Q: How do you know your overweight?
A: You have to purchase two airline tickets.

Q: What happened after Ms Piggy and an unnamed feral pig were married in a lavish ceremony over the weekend?
A: The Swine Flu to Hawaii on flight H1N1

Q: What do you call a flying primate?
A: A hot air baboon!

Q: What do you get when you put a flight stick in an egg?
A: A yoke.

Q: Hawe you seen the romantic comedy with David Dao?
A: It's called "10 Things I Hate About U-nited"

Q: A plane crashed and every single person died except two, Why?
A: Because they were a couple.

Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

Q: Why do ducks fly over Oklahoma upside down?
A: There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: What do you call the movie where pilots fight to take off?
A: The Hanger games.

Q: How do you know your friends broke?
A: When they get mad they can't afford to fly off the handle so they gotta go greyhound off the handle.

Q: Can bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their little yellow jackets

Q: Why did everyone want to sit next to Lisa Nowak (AstroNut) on her return flight to Texas?
A: Because they knew she wasn't going to get up for any bathroom breaks

I don't mean to be forward girl but do you swallow? Ok Cool. Swallow these 7 balloons of Heroin and get on this flight to Los Angeles

In life you are either a passenger or a pilot, it's your choice

Take a man on a plane and he can fly once. Push a man off a plane and he can fly for the rest of his life.

Ever been at the airport and hear someone on the loud speaker say - "Everybody must now get on the plane"? Well, fuck that - I'm getting "in" the plane!

Where does a female pilot sit?

If Samuel L Jackson is on your flight it's safe to assume there will be Snacks on the Plane.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

DELTA: Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport
DELTA: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive.

Confucious Says,"Man who runs through air port turnstile, backwards, going Bangkock".

To wrongs don't make a right but to wrights make an airplane.

Why do the seats on airliners double as floating devices when they should double as parachutes?

My biggest wish is to be an airplane pilot, because at random points during the flight I would go on the intercom and just scream

So a little boy and his mommmy are on an airplane.
The little boy asks "Mommy, if mommys and daddys can make babies and mommy and daddy doggies can make puppies then how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"
The mom says "I dont know but go ask the pilot"
The little boy goes to the pilot and ask him his question, and the pilot says
"Our Airplanes dont make babies because were Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time!"

A Jumbojet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off. He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?' The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm. The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to'
At that moment the passengers cheered loudly
and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle.
The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first'

Poland Crash
A two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 200 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
According law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Air Force One
Dick Cheney and George W Bush are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Dick, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dick shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Laura tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Condoleezza Rice rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Southwest Airlines
A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don�t big planes have baby planes?"
The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.
The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that�s because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"

Airport Security
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."

Engine Trouble
An 747 was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A couple minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

Blondes on a Plane
A blonde gets to fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

Flight Engineer
I was a Pan Am 552 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer):
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Blonde Stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?"
The captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

There were 5 people in an aeroplane and they were the worlds smartest man, the worlds richest man, the pilot, an old man and a little boy.
There dilemma was that the plane was crashing towards earth but there were only 4 parachutes.
So they started to argue who would get a chute the worlds smartest man said, 'I get a parachute because I have many more things to discover. ' and so he grabbed a chute and jumped, then the worlds richest man said he had many more things to buy and so he jumped with a chute, the pilot said that he had many more planes to fly and he also grabbed a chute and jumped, now there was only the old man and the little boy with only one parachute left.
The old man said to the little boy 'you go I've lived a longer life and after everything I've done I deserve to die.'
The little boy said 'Thats okay because the worlds smartest man took my back pack.'

Three Pilots
There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot.
They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said "Because I love my country!"
So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said "Because I love my country"
So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said "Because I hate my country"
So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said whats the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head.
Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head.
Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said "I farted and the building behind me exploded"

Fast Landing
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast.

San Jose Tower:  "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.  If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

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