Magician Jokes

Penn and Teller are like a married couple.
Only one of them gets to talk.

Girlfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure, babe.
Girlfriend: BAM! You're single.

Did you hear about the perverted magician?
He pulled his top hat out of a Bunny.

Did you hear about the angry magician?
He pulled his hare out.

Did you hear about the magical tractor?
It turned into a field!

What do you call a magic owl?

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

What do you call a small fish magician?
A magic carpet.

What do you call a magician on a plane?
A flying sorcerer!

Whats it called when you get something for a penny at the magic store?
Cheap trick.

Who doesn't go to the emergency room after losing a thumb?
A Magician

Doctor, I have a problem ... every time I say abracadabra, someone disappears ... Doctor, doctor are you there?

I was fired from my job as a children's magician today...
Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear.

Alcohol has magical powers. It can turn a loveseat into a bed.

I think women are magic creatures: they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, & can make boneless meat ROCK HARD!

My brash, amateur magician brother said he could easily do the 'catch the bullet between his teeth' trick.
That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off.

My therapist suggested I tell my wife about my magic trick addiction by writing her a letter
I just can't pick up the Penn and Teller

My police officer buddy made the mistake of arresting a magician last night.
He shouldn't have asked him to empty his pockets.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What do you call a Magicians assistant with one brain cell?
What do you call a Magicians assistant with two brain cells?

I got fired from my job as an event magician today, apparently "abraca nobra" isnt appropriate for all audiences,
Its a good thing I didnt get around to "abra viagra", its a good trick but no one seems to want to stand for the ovation.

Good-Lookin' witch asks teen guy if he wants to get balled.
"Yes!" was the enthusiastic answer.
POOF! He had no hair.

Magic Show
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show.
After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"...

Magical Pick Up Lines
"My magical watch says you're not wearing any panties...oh, you are? Damn, it must be an hour fast...".

I heard you like Magic, well bend over and watch my dick disappear

Girl, are you sure you're a muggle cause I'd swear that ass is magical!

Did you survive Avada Kedavra? Cause your drop dead gorgeous.

Girl, why dont you do a houdini and make those clothes dissapper.

Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready.

You must be magical, because I've fallen under your spell.

I may be a muggle, but the things I can do in bed are magical!

Is that a magic wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?"
"What's that?" she replies.
Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."

Amateur Magician
An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a loveseat and his two kids into armchairs.

He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital.

Once at the hospital, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children.
Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.
"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "Are they alright?"
The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..."

Magic Mirror
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.

The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.

The blonde goes up.
"I think--"

Magic Slide
Three little boys found a slide.
It was a magic slide.
The first litle boy said coke and landed in coke.
The second litlle boy said cake and he landed in cake.
The third litle boy said weeeeeeee and landed in piss.

Genie Jokes
A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp.

They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie.

The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.

The the red head makes her wish "I can't stand this place, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"

Bunny and the Bear
A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived.
The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone.
The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the other bears in this forest were female."
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet.
The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the other bears in this country to be female!"
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle.
He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.
The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!"
Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the other bears in this world to be female!"
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish this bear was gay."

The Office
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says:

"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says:

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

10 Inch Bic
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know do you realy think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Harry Potter Pick Up Lines
Harry Potter Jokes

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