Librarian Jokes

What is the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has the most stories.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

What do you call a South American librarian who is always in a hurry?
Urgent Tina.

What do you call a teacher who never farts in the library?
A private tutor.

What do you call a book that's about the brain?
A mind reader.

Why did the librarian win a Lifetime Achievement Award?
She had a storied career.

What do you call a book about sexting during the quarantine?
Love in the Time of Coronavirus.

What's the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between each s.

What section of the library can you get biten by a snake?

Why did the book join the police?
He wanted to go undercover!

What kind of berry wants a coloring book?
A crayon-berry.

Why should you be careful about what you say around a librarian?
Because they can read lips.

What has a spine but, no bones?
A book

Whose the biggest liar in school?
The Lie-brarian.

What did the librarian say to John Cusack?
Shhhhh! Don't Say Anything.

What did the librarian say to the astronaut?
Find space for a book.

Why is a math book always unhappy?
Because it always has lots of problems.

What happened to the Ireland National Library?
Someone stole the book.

What do dogs and story tellers have in common?
They both have tails!

What is it called when someone gets suffocated by a book?
Literally murder!

Have you seen the Bruce Willis movie where an entire library gets destroyed?
It's called "Die Hardcover"

Why can't lawyers trick a librarian?
Because librarians can read the fine print.

What did the surfer say to the librarian?
Is my book over dude?

What does Moby Dick like to eat?
Fish and ships.

On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?
About nine and three quarters.

Why did the student throw a book at the Librarian?
He wanted to Face-Book her.

What do Turkish librarians eat for lunch?
Shhhh Kebabs

Why was Harry Potter sent to Dumbledores office?
For cursing in class.

What did Ashton Kutcher say to the Librarian?
Dude, Where's My Library Card?

What did the Librarian say to the rapper?
"I like big books and I can not lie"

What did the frog say when he landed on a book?

What kind of writing pays the most?
Ransom notes.

Did you hear that Tristan gave Isolde a love potion?
How necromantic!

Did you know that even big tough guys read?
Yeah, just ask Conan the Librarian.

Did you hear about the librarian who couldn't understand sarcasm?
Apparently, she couldn't read between the lines.

Have you read the book Raising Dogs?
No? you should it's a pup-up book.

What did the librarian say to Chris Tucker?
Sit down and zip it! This is Hush Hour.

I checked out a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
I didn't like it at first, but in the end I was hooked.

Did you hear about the power outage at the Arizona State University library?
Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
All the information in the world, but you can't understand a word of it.

Did you hear about the Florida State University Library fire that burned 20 books?
The real tradegy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

What is a cats favorite book?
The prince and the paw-purr.

The librarian handed the blind man a cheese grater?
The blind man said "That's the most violent book I've ever read."

I asked the librarian for a book about the Coronavirus.
She said it's in Asia right now and will be here in a couple of weeks.

I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out.

A librarian walks into a bar, the bartender says "Please NO Stories."

If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why do actions speak louder than words.

Yo mommas legs are like the library, always open to the public.

A book just fell on my head and I only got my shelf to blame.

I got hit in the head by a falling book once, I mean, I only have myshelf to blame.

I read a book last night on anti gravity it was really hard to put down.

Are you a book because im totally checking you out.

Did you know that Kevin McCallister is at Home Alone reading.

The librarian gave the scientist a book about Helium and he just couldn't put it down.

You must work in a library because you just increased my circulation!

Book never written. How to blow your nose by Hank R. Chief.

Hey baby are you over due? Cause you lookin Finnnneeee.

Are you my favorite book, cause when I think about you I touch my shelf.

"One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face." -Rodney Dangerfield

Did you hear about the award winning librarian? Apparently he had a storied career.

I'd tell you about how I lost the book "War and Peace", but it's a long story.

I told my Asian parents that I was going to "Occupy Wall Street", they said "Why not, Occupy Library?"


A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, a$$hole?"

Midnight Call
A guy calls the librarian and says "When does the Library open?"
And the librarian says "At nine o'clock and why are you calling me at midnight to get in?"
The guy says "I don't want to get in I want to get out."

The Blonde
A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
The librarian says, "This is a Library."
The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
And the librarian says, one more time, "This is a library Miss."
The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a coke please!"

A librarian in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him.
"Are you a bear?" asked the librarian, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The bear replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Good News Bad News
A publisher calls an author:
"Hello, I have a good and bad news."
The writer replies "Start with the good...."
The publisher says "Jackson loved your book and literally devoured it!"
And the bad news? asks the author.
"Jackson, that's my dog's name."

Two Chickens
One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help.
These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk."
The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books.
The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk."
The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time.
The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk"
But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books.
As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going.
The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it"

An Emo goes to the library and asks the librarian, "Excuse me, do you have any books on suicide?".

The librarian replies, "Well, we used to, but you idiots never bring them back!"

Short Skirt
A blonde lady walks into a library one day. She is wearing a short short skirt and you can smell her perfume from a mile away.
She is carrying with her an extremely large book.
She walks up to the librarian desk, slams the book down and shouts, "this is the worst book I ever read!","there are no pictures,the words are too small and its so god damn big!".
The librarian slowly looks up at the blonde and says.."So your the one that stole our phone book"

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