Funny Quotes
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Zach Galifianakis
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f**king lactose intolerance?!
Chris Rock
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
Chris Rock
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Johnny Carson
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
John Lennon
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Marilyn Monroe
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
Wanda Sykes
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
Chris Rock
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
Johnny Carson
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss (Happy Birthday To You)
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
Marilyn Monroe
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Dane Cook
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
Bob Marley
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Chris Rock
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
George Lopez
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Robin Williams
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Robert Maynard Hutchins
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks
Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.
Albert Einstein
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin
Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright
Bob Marley
If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.
Chris Rock
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charles Chaplin
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce
If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
Albert Einstein
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes
Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!
Chris Rock
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley
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