Computer Jokes

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?
iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP

Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they don't C#.

What do you call a computer that sings?

Where did the computer go to dance?
To a disc-o.
Because it left its windows open.

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!

What did the dentist say to the computer?
This won't hurt a byte.

What type of a computer does a horse like to eat?
A Macintosh.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave!

Why should a programmer never call Keanu Reaves a zero?
Because he is "the one".

How do you know if a blonde has been using a computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.

What did the Dell say to the Mac?
My Wifi can beat up your wifi.

What do you call a woman you married off the internet?

What does a baby computer calls its father?

What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.

What does a king computer do?
Execute his programs!

Why won't blondes take their iPhones to the bathroom?
Because they don't want to give away their IP address!

How do you get a computer drunk?
A Screenshot of Tequila.

Why couldn't Bill Gates get a mistress?
Because he's penis was MICROSOFT!

What part of a computer does a spider use?
The webcam.

What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
He enters Nerdvana.

Why did Jack and Jill "really" go up the hill?
To get better Wi-fi.

Why was the computer shy?
Because it had hardware and software but no underware.

What was the spider doing on the computer?
Searching the web!

Why can't an elephant use a computer?
He's too afraid of the mouse.

What do you get when you cross a hamburger with a computer?
A big mac!

How are elephants and computers similar?
They both have big memories.

How did the spider destroy the (worldwide) web?
It gave it a bug.

Why did Mark Zuckerberg visit Beijing, China?
To see the "Great Firewall".

Why are PCs like air conditioners?
They stop working properly if you open Windows!

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.

What was the hipster doing at the computer?
Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

Why did the computer break up with the internet?
There was no "Connection".

Why was the computer tired when it got home?
It had a "hard drive"

What do you call a country with slow internet speeds?
America Online.

Why did the boy lick the USB port?
Because he was an etard.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I actually care when my computer crashes.

Why did the computer go to the dentist?
Because it had Bluetooth.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?
Dead Siri-ous

What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
Redhead won't accept a three and a half inch.

What did the turkey say to the computer?
Google, google, google!

How do trees us a computer?
They log in!

What's the difference between an Linux and a virus?
A virus does something.

What kind of party does a laptop go to?
A CISCO party.

How do you know you are using Linux?
Your computer only has 4 modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot!

Why did the powerpoint maker cross the road?
To get to the other slide!

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

What do you call a brunette in between 2 French blondes visiting America?
Google translate.

What do you call an egg who is on the computer too much?
An "Egg Head"

What's the difference between a virus and Windows Vista?
Viruses rarely fail.

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Person1: Aren't we all internet explorers?
Person2: You mean we run slow and no one likes us.

Somebody stole my new Microsoft Office last week and they are going to pay!
You have my Word!

"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......that way people visit more often."

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

Yo momma so fat and dumb, she tears apart computers looking for cookies.

A girlfriend is supposed to be, radio button programmed to dicks. If, she is list box programmed to dicks, she is a hoe.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

If your computer is slow paint a Jamaican flag on it and it will run faster.

I mustache you a question, can eyebrows your computer?

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"

So this person went to the doctor and told the doctor he had an addiction to twitter and the doctor said well I am not following.

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

Wife or Girlfriend
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

Computer Definitions

1) 486

The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

2) State-of-the-art

Any computer you can't afford.

3) Obsolete

Any computer you own.

4) Microsecond

The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become

St. Peter
The worlds richest man Bill Gates dies and goes to St Peter... St Peter is embarrased.
"I don't know what to do with you Bill ... you put a PC in every household ... on the other hand you made windows Vista. So I tell you what ... just chose between heaven and hell"
Bill goes "Really, I can chose?"
"Yes pick one" Peter says.
Bill who is very professionnal: "Ok, can I visit both before deciding?"
"Ok, just go's on. What do you want to start with?"
Bill: "... why not start with hell?"
And then they both went to hell.
Magnificient. Great beaches, plenty sun and naked women every where, smiling at Bill.
"That looks wonderfull" Bill says. Now how about heaven?
Then then went to heaven. Magnificient. Great beaches, plenty sun, just no naked women
"Ok" Bill says, "I pick hell then."
After a week St Peter decided to visit Bill who was sent to Hell The poor guy was on the floor, screaming, scratching the ground with his nails. He shouted at St Peter: "No no no! I Can't stand it no more!"
"What's wrong" St Peter asked?
Bill goes "I don't understand, there is nothing to do with what I saw the first time"
"Where is the beach? The naked women?"
And St Peter:
"That was just a demo."

No, Windows is not a virus.

Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

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