What is a meaning of a true friend?
One who remembers your birthday but not your age!
What did one boob say to the other boob?
You're my breast friend.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
Because his friend said dinner is on me.
What do you call friends who love math?
Matt Damon asked his friends what they were planning for his birthday.
They told him "We bought a kazoo".
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Why did John Connor lead the resistance against the machines?
Skynet refused to give John a Facebook friend request!
What's the difference between a Kia and the principal's office?
It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's office.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
You: To get to the retards house.
Friend: Who's there?
You: The chicken
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
Did you hear about the circus clown funeral?
All his friends came in one car.
Why can't you be friends with a squirrel?
They drive everyone nuts.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Why did the zombie ignore all his Facebook friends?
He was still DIGESTING all of his followers on Twitter!
Why did the Owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be Owl by himself.
Did you hear about the pinniped that became friends with a polar bear?
His fate was sealed.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?
Because he's always making new friends!
Friend: "You could go to jail for weed!"
Stoner: "Jail sells weed?"
What's the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter books?
A ginger with two friends.
So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going.
He said "Can't Complain."
Why did the Mushroom have lots of friends?
Cause he's a fungi!
How does Avogadro write to his friends?
What does the eagle say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
'Let us prey.'
I'm starting a Mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends. We'll call ourselves "Juan Direction."
Gay, Bi, Ugly, Fine, Rich, Poor, Skinny, Fat, Black, White, Purple, A FRIEND IS A FRIEND!
A friend not in need, is a friend indeed.
So we're friends now, when do the benefits kick in?
A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis."
The doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"
Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"
The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain "So what did the doctor say?" Bob says" Doctor said your gonna die"
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
One day two avocados, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.
The uninjured avocado called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured avocado was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.
After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured avocado, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
One time when I was talking to my mom's co-worker he said that he had no friends.
He said that all of his friends were either married or dead.
And my friend who is with me says to him "What's the difference?"