Germany Jokes

Short Germany Jokes

Q: What do you call a pissed off German?
A: Sauerkraut.

Q: What do you call a Blind German?
A: a Not see

Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice.

Q: How do Germans tie their shoes?
A: With little knotsies

Q: What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
A: "Look, mother, no Hans!"

Q: What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do German futbol players do so well in math?
A: They know how to use their heads.

Q: Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
A: Germans like to march in the shade.

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

Q: How does every German joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What tea do German futbol players drink?
A. PenalTea!

Q: What's the difference between German striker Miroslav Klose and a puppy?
A: A puppy will eventually stop whining.

Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave ?
A: It's got ten seats inside.

Q: If your American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
A: European

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. We are very efficient and this is not a joke.

Q: What do you call an German in the World Cup final?
A: A Referee.

Q: Why is the German Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
A: Becasue she is pm not am!

Q: Which is the most biggest rope?
A: Europe

Q: Why did the Germans start two world wars?
A: It was the only way they could get visitors.

Q: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
A: They give them gas.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

Q: What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard?
A: A new last name.

Q: What do you call a German Virgin?
A: Good n Tight.

Q: What does a German politican have in common with a German pornstar's mouth?
A: They're both full of shit.

Q: What is the difference between christianity and national socialism?
A: In christianity, one guy died for all the others.

Q: Who is the most well known Jewish cook?
A: Hitler.

Q: How do you get rid of aristocratic Germans?
A: Von by von.

Q: What's the difference between German socialism and an orgasm?
A: With German socialism, you moan for a helluva lot longer.

Q: What's the difference between a German and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

Q: What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
A: Vee haf vays to make you tock

Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?
A: First, invade ze kitchen.

Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a Mini Cooper?
A: About 25000 if you've got a shovel.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart German and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: What's a german's favorite number?
A: Nein!

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: Do Germans work after 8pm?
A: Nein!

Q: Where do germs go on vacation?
A: To Germany.

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Germany who?
Germany (there many) fish in the sea.

"I ate at this German restaraunt the other day, the food was great but 30 minutes later i was hungry for power."

Olympic Stadium
Man walking past the olympic stadium carrying a long case is collarred by a guard.

"Are you a pole-volter?" the guard asks

The man replies "No, I'm German actually; but how did you know my name was Walter"

A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road.

Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?"

The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!"


Hitler ist unterwegs. Das Auto rast an einem Bauernhof vorbei. Da springt ein Schwein auf die Straße. Der Fahrer kann nicht mehr bremsen. Das Schwein stirbt. Hitler befiehlt seinem Fahrer, zum Hof zu gehen und es dem Bauern zu sagen. Der Fahrer sagt zum Bauern: "Ich bin der Fahrer unseres Führers! Das Schwein ist tot!"

Hitler is on the road. His car races past a Farm. A pig jumps on the road. The chauffeur cannot stop in time. The pig dies. Hitler orders his chauffeur to go to the farm and tell the farmer. The chauffeur sais to the farmer: "I amm ze drriver of ourr Führrerr! Ze svine iz dead!"


Wie sieht ein echter Arier aus? Blond wie Hitler, groß wie Goebbels und schlank wie Göring!

How does a real aryan look? As blond as Hitler, as large as Goebbels and as lank as Göring.

Hitler had black hair. Goebbels was rather short and Göring was fat.

My Fuhrer

Hitler unterhält sich auf einem Frontbesuch mit einem einfachen Soldaten. Hitler fragt: "Kamerad, was wünscht Du Dir, wenn Du an vorderster Front im Granathagel stehst?" Der Soldat antwortet: "Dass Sie, mein Führer, neben mir stehen!"

Hitler visits the front and talks to a soldier. Hitler asks: "Pal, when you are in the front line under artillery fire, what do you wish for?" The soldier replies: "That you, my Führer, stand next to me!"

New Jokes

Was gibt's für neue Witze?” - "2 Monate Dachau"
If misunderstood properly, it means "What's the penalty for (telling) new jokes?"


Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door.
"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany."
"Fred," said his father, "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"
"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

The Foreigner
Once there was a man that came from Germany to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

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