France Jokes

Short France Jokes

Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party?
A: Put a sign up that says "no nudity"

Q: Why do French People eat snails?
A: Because they don't like fast food!

Q: How does every French joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What is the Guillotine?
A: A French chopping centre.

Q: Which ghost was president of France?
A: Charles de Ghoul.

Q: Where do fruits go on vacation?
A: Pear-is.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the French beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: What do you call an Frenchman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.

Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France.

Did you hear about the brave Frenchman? Oh you didn't.
Well don't feel bad no one else has either.

Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill his underpants with water.

Q: Did you hear about the French Army rifle sold on ebay?
A: The only description under the picture of it was "Nie gefeuert, einmal fallen gelessen"
This is German for "never fired, dropped once"

Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
A: Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.

Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac

Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president?
A: Jacques ChIraq.

Q: Which is the most biggest rope?
A: Europe

Q: What is the French national anthem?
A: We surrender.

Q: What does a frog in Paris eat?
A: French Flies.

Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.

Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman?
A: Reverse!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear?
A: Track shoes.

Q: How do you sink a French battleship?
A: Put it in water.

Q: Whats in the middle of Paris?
A: R.

Q: Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
A: Becasue he is pm not am!

Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.

Q: How do French tanks work?
A: They have one forward gear and six reverse ones.

Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it.

Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

There was a cat named 1,2,3 and a cat named un, deux, trois. Both cats were crossing a river. Which cat made it acrass the river? 1,2,3 because un, deux, trois cat-re sinq.

French people give me the crepes.

The only thing the French are good at is looking in their car rear mirrors during the war

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris who?
"Paris the thought!"
"I Paris the time, by telling knock knock jokes."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton who?
Parton my French!

What color is the American flag?
Red, White, and Blue.
What color is the British flag?
Red, White, and Blue.
What color is the French flag?

French Waiter

"Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?"

"So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm."

"Well why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

"I do sir, but I've got to serve customers occasionally..."

Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door.
"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France."
"Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?"
"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

Number Cats
There were two cats
1 of their names was one two three and
The other name was une duex triois
They had a race across the lake, which one won?

One two three won,
because une duex trois cat sank

French Guy
This American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.
A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."
The American Guy ignores him.
"What have you got on that bread? Jam? In France we eat only the freshest fruit & put the seeds & pits into containers & send it to America to make your jam."
"Well let me ask you one question. Do you have sex over there in France?"
"Oh Oiu, Oiu, you know we do."
"What do you do with the used condoms?"
"Oh flush them down the toilet of course."
"Well here in America we put them into containers & sell them to France as bubble gum."

The Foreigner
Once there was a man that came from France to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

A group of three animals around a table .... talking about the holidays to come ... This group consists of a bear, a dolphin and a crocodile ...
The bear says: "Seen that all my family has good fur, we decided to go to a cold country and it will be the north pole ... "
The dolphin says: "As God gave us fins, we opted for the holidays in the open sea in the Atlantic Ocean ...."
The crocodile meanwhile: "My wife has a big mouth, my children have a big mouth, as mine is even bigger, that's why we decided to spend our holidays in FRANCE."

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