Thanksgiving Jokes

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
They use FOWL language.

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
It had 24 carrots.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A turkey that can pluck itself!

When do you serve tofu turkey?

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Dear Turkeys, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
Where's popcorn?

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE!

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down?
Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy?

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

What if the Pilgrims shot a bobcat instead of a turkey?
We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving?
Turkeys & people after Thanksgiving dinner.

If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
It simply wants to run away.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

What do you call an evil turkey?

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

When does your brother bring his new girlfriend to dinner?

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!

Which cat discovered America?
Christofurry Columbus

What do you call a running turkey?
Fast food.

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

What did the turkey say to the computer?
Google, google, google!

What do you call the age of a pilgrim?

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary?

What do modern day Native Americans call a pilgrim?
Pilgrim Reaper.

What was the turkey looking for at ToysRus?

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?

If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on?
The scholar ships.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A poultrygeist!

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because he's already stuffed!

In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?

What was the turkey suspected of?
Fowl play.

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
To hatchet.

What sound does a turkey's phone make?
Wing! Wing!

What happens to a turkey on Thanksgiving?
It gets the stuffing knocked in to it.

What do you call a stuffed animal?
You after thanksgiving.

How do you keep Thanksgiving Day guests from falling asleep on your couch?
Infuse the gravy with cocaine.

What kids movie do you watch on Thanksgiving?
The Mighty Turduckens!

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.

What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?

What holiday do they celebrate in prison?

Why dont people in the ghetto celebrate thanksgiving?
KFC isnt open on holidays.

How do Rednecks celebrate Thanksgiving?
Pump kin!

What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?
One has gobblers, the other goblins.

What do you call a holiday dinner without the parents?

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Knock Knock.
Who There?
Thanksgiving for what?
Thanks giving us this turkey.

Thanksgiving One Liners

I'm excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.

You have to smoke a couple of bowls before Thanksgiving dinner. I can't think of a better time to have the munchies.

There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Hunger Games movie.

I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium.

You don't need Thanksgiving to hate your family.

If I was a turkey, I'd be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

One turkey says to the other "Do you believe in life after Thanksgiving?"

On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment ..... halftime.

My aunt is bringing her homemade cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving dinner, and my uncle is bringing his blatant racism!

They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse or Stuffing-cide.

Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it's in the oven.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey".

Hope your Turkey is moist and your stuffing in fluffy and when you're done eating you'll be nice and stuffy.

Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson

Thanksgiving Turkey Song

O turkey dear
O turkey dear
How lovely are thy feathers

O turkey dear
O turkey dear
There could be nothing better!

We celebrate Thanksgiving Day
By putting your carcass on display.

O turkey dear
O turkey dear
You thought we were friends who came to greet you.

O turkey dear
O turkey dear
We gathered here to eat you!

O turkey day
O turkey day
The family is all together

O turkey day
O turkey day
We've over come bad weather

Seeing the family is so fab
We'll see ya'll again in rehab.

O turkey day
O turkey day
We'll drink away your memory.

Thanksgiving Bar Jokes

Blonde Thanksgiving
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

Grocery Store
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

A potato and a sweet potato were playing on the playground. The sweet potato told the potato,"Hey, I just found out I'm related to you."
The potato said," No you're are not!"
The sweet potato said back,"Yes, I yam."

Pro Football Turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Young Michael
Young Michael was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Michael enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Michael remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'

Small Business

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Thanksgiving Dinner
This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was.
It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over.
She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious tits" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim dick".
So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious tits?"
the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat".
She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim dick?".
The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots".
Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shit!".
The daughter then asks,"What does shit mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety".
The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuck".
The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does f*ck mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety".
About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom's f*cking the turkey".

Thanksgiving Parrot
A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy, his family knowing this decided to surprise him on thanksgiving day.
Now the parrot wasn't raised in a christian enviroment and it was mocking, insulting, and treatening the man.
That thanksgiving day he got the man, so angry that he put the parrot in the freezer.
After 3 minutes he let the parrot out. the parrot says "I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you."
The man says "You did.!"
Then the parrot say "Can i asks you one more question?"
The man says "Sure. what is it?"
The parrot asked "What did the turkey do?"

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