St Patrick's Day One-Liners Jokes
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.
Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
Because you don't want to press your luck.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'furniture!
How is a best friend like a 4-leaf clover?
Because they are hard to find and lucky to have.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs
Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter!
What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A sham rock
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.
Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
They like to "go" first class!
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
What do they call the Irish jig at McDonalds?
A Shamrock Shake
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink on St Patricks Day?
It interferes with his suffering!
Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor.
What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
1 less drunk at the party
Why don't women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day?
'Cause they don't want to get a "sham rock".
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
St. O'Claus!
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Sure, they're green with envy!
What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!
How do you start the St Patricks Day parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street!
What's a leprechaun's favorite kind of music?
Sham-rock and roll.
Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
Sure, they're great at shorthand!
What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
a St. Patrick's Day Parade
How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!
What is Irish diplomacy?
It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip
What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
Short ribs!
Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they're very short-tempered!
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland?
A sham rock
Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
Because they're always wearing green
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When it's a FRENCH fry!
What is nuahcerpel?
Aleperchaunspelledbackwards.
What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
Some poor horse is going barefoot!
Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers instead of his red ones?
The red ones were in the wash!
Why is a river rich?
Because it has two banks
What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant
What do bullshitters like most about St. Patricks day?
the BLARNEY stone!
Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?
Cause the grass tickles their balls
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare
What do the Irish dream about?
Celebrating St. Patrick's Day with his gang of leprechauns.
Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
I haven't either!
Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
They need all the luck they can get!
What do you call a potato that's not Irish?
A French Fry.
What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
He gets wet!
What do perverted leprechauns drink on St. Patricks Day?
Mount & Do
What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A leper con
"I named my pee-pee 'Guinness'
Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out.
And when 'e saw ye with 'is eye
'e went from pale to stout!"
Touch my Lucky Charms & I will choke your little Leprechaun
Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
If you thought Valentine's Day was for all the kissing? You haven't met an Irish Women yet!
Raise your hand if you are 1% Irish today.
"There is more friendship in a half pint of whiskey than in a churn of buttermilk."
If you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!
I'm not going to wear green today, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing.
I might only be 25% Irish, but on St Patrick's Day I will be 100% drunk.
My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talkin about.
Never iron a four lover because you don't want to press your luck.
If you live with younger siblings at home, wearing green on St. Patrick's Day is crucial for survival.
St. Patrick's Day Toasts
Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer and another one.
May your wishes come true and your truth be wise.
Happy St Patricks Day
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.
Lullabies, dreams and love ever after.
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes...
That's the Irish for You!
May your blessings outnumber The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go.
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
(With Irish accent) If liquor were a pond and I were a duck Id swim to the bottom and never come up...
but liquor is not a pond and Im not a duck so tip your cup and lets get fucked up.
St Patrick's Day Pick Up Lines
Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.
"You look magically delicious, and I just happen to be a cereal adulterer."
"Tip o' the Trojan to ye!"
"If you don't sleep with me, the leprechauns have already won."
"How'd you like to help put the Irish Spring back into me shillelagh?"
"Gurl, I will sham rock your world."
"Well, lass, we're the only ones still standing. How about it?"
"Lassie, it's your ancestral duty to drive the snake out of my pants!"
"You've already had six Guinness draughts? Brilliant!"
I don't have four leaves, but if you pluck me, I'll give you luck!
Well you caught me lassie! Now I can grant ye one wish, as long as it involves tongue!
St Patricks Day Bar Jokes
Sausage
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on St Patricks Day, but only have 50 cents between them.
Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.
"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.
Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"
As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...
In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...
Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"
Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
Irish Priest
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"