Snake Jokes

Q: In which river are you sure to find snakes?
A: The Hiss-issippi River!

Q: What is a snakes favorite dance?
A: The Mamba

Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A: A civil serpent!

Q: What did the snake give to his wife?
A: A goodnight hiss!

Q: Why did the snake's wife file for divorce?
A: Ereptile Disfunction.

Q: What did the naughty little diamondback say to his big sister?
A: "Don't be such a rattle-tail!"

Q: What does an exhibitionistic snake wear to the beach?
A: A pythong.

Q: What do you call a snake that tells jokes?
A: Monty Python.

Q: How do you measure a snake?
A: In inches. They don't have any feet!

Q: Did you hear about the snake love letter?
A: He sealed it with a hiss.

Q: If you crossed a snake with a robin, what kind of bird would you get?
A: A swallow!

Q: Why couldn't the female snake have any babies?
A: Because she'd had a hiss-terectomy!

Q: Why did the snake laugh so hard she started to cry?
A: She thought the joke was hisss-terical

Q: Why are snakes so good at rapping?
A: They rap around there prey!

Q: What do you call a reptile that plays baseball?
A: Snake Arrieta.

Q: What clothing might sister snakes share?
A: Co-bras!

Q: How does a snake shoot something?
A: With a boa and arrow!

Q: What's the wrong time to reason with a snake?
A: When it's throwing a hissy fit.

Q: How do you know it's time to buy a new pair of shoes?
A: When your old ones have snake eyes.

Q: What kind of snake keep its car the cleanest?
A: A windshield viper!

Q: Did you hear about the two snakes that were in love but related?
A: They were hissing cousins.

Q: What snake is a member of the band?
A: The RATTLEsnake!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?

Q: Why don't snakes need to weigh themselves?
A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: How can you revive a snake that looks dead?
A: With mouse-to-mouth resuscitation!

Q: What is the most popular snake dialect?
A: Boomslang!

Q: What do snakes do after they fight?
A: Hiss and make up!

Q: What do snakes use to cut paper?
A: Scissss-ors!

Q: What do you call taking a selfie with a rattlesnake?
A: A missssss-take.

Q: Did you hear about the man who crossed the snake mafia?
A: He was given the hiss of death.

Q: What do you call a snake that builds things?
A: A boa constructor!

Q: What do you call snake without clothes?
A: Snaked.

Q: What do you call a snake that only eats desert?
A: A pie-thon.

Q: What is a snake's favorite subject?
A: Hiss-tory!

Q: What type of snake does a baby play with?
A: A rattlesnake!

Q: What's a snake's favorite school subject?
A: Math, because it's an adder!

Q: Why did the snake cross the road ?
A: To get to the other s-s-s-side!

Q: Why was the mongoose listening to Taylor Swift?
A: He was trying to "Snake It Off".

Q: What kind of snake is completely different?
A: A Monty Python.

Q: What do you give a baby mongoose?
A: A rattle-snake.

Q: Why did the cobra ask a man out on a date?
A: Because he was a snake charmer.

Q: Why did the Meerkat die?
A: Because she trusted a snake in the grass.

Q: What did Samuel L Jackson do in the sky?
A: Snake the world record on a plane.

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. What sound do they make?

They found a new species of rattlesnake that can't produce venom. They say it has a reptile disfunction!

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a snake walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the snake's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the snake. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet snake walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my snake."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the snake falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a snake."

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a snake sitting next to him.
"Are you a snake?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The snake replied, "Well, I liked the book."

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