Monkey Jokes

Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!

Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A: A chipmunk.

Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A monkey with a machine gun.

Q: What kind of a key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!

Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: Baboom!

Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal!

Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell jokes about people!

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.

Q: What do you tell a bad monkey?
A: Stop chimping about.

Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you!

Q: What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
A: It won't be long now.

Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

Q: What do you call an angry monkey?
A: Furious George.

Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?
A: He was a monkey's uncle.

Q: What do you call a Chimpanzee that works in a bar?
A: A Monkey Wench.

Q: What do you call a monkey with a wizards hat and wand?
A: Hairy potter

Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree?
A: Let the chimps fall where they may.

Q: Did you hear about the awful jungle party?
A: Somebody forgot to bring the chimps and dip.

Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
A: To a retailer!

Q: What did the banana do when he saw a monkey?
A: The banana split!

Q: What is a monkey's favorite game?
A: Hangman!

Q: What's invisible and smells like bananas?
A: A fart of a monkey.

Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!

Q: Why shouldn't you get into a fight with a monkey?
A: They use gorilla warfare.

Q: What do you call a monkey that succeeds at every sport?
A: A chimpion!

Q: Where do chimps get their gossip?
A: On the ape vine!

Q: How do you get an escaped lion back into his habitat?
A: With a bargaining chimp.

Q: What do you call a restaurant that throws food in your face?
A: a Monkey Business.

Q: How do you catch a monkey?
A: Climb a tree and act like a banana!

Q: What did the monkey say. When he slide down the flag pole?
A: Goodness gracious great balls of fire.

Monkey see monkey do, Monkey pee monkies pooo.

Hungry Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the monkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my monkey."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the monkey falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a monkey."

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a monkey sitting next to him.
"Are you a monkey?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The monkey replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

How do You?
A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a monkey in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?"
Then the student said "No,the monkey because he's still in the fridge."
then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you"
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!"
She laughs and walks away.

A girl asks her mother "Mommy, where do humans come from?"
She replies that they came from Adam and Eve. The somewhat confused girl goes to her father and asks the same question.
He answers "Look, baby girl, we come from our ancestors, the monkeys."
She is worried about this and goes back to her mother and tells him what her father has told her.
She answers "I was talking about my family, not your father's."

Leopard, Monkey and Dog
Somewhere in Africa an inhabitant of a small village heads for the nearest town with his dog.

During the walk the dog breaks free, breaks the leash from his leash and runs off into the jungle.

While the dog is looking for the way back to his master he sees a leopard approaching with the clear intent of eating him.
The dog panics, but he sees bones on the ground and has an idea.
Then he turns his back to the leopard and begins to suck a bone while awaiting the arrival of the leopard.

When the leopard is within earshot, the dog says aloud: "Oh my god this leopard is the best meat I have ever had! Who knows if there are others around here?"
The leopard, begins to worry and decides to run away.

From a nearby tree a monkey witnesses the deceit and decides to exploit this information to his advantage against the leopard.
The monkey goes to the leopard's den and tells him everything, in the hope that he will become his friend and protector.

The leopard after hearing the monkey's tale tells him: "Take me to this dog! He has taken advantage of me on my territory! Mount on my back, lead me to him and I will be forever in your favor!"

The leopard and the monkey then head for the dog.

But the dog sees the monkey and the leopard coming in the distance, he senses his deceptions has been uncovered. So the dog turns his back to the two animals, who are about to arrive and when they are a few yards away he exclaims:
"Go and trust the monkeys! I knew I shouldn't have told him anything! It has been a half an hour since I sent him to look for another leopard and he's not back yet!"

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