Fish Jokes

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
"I'm off the hook!"

Why don't fish like basketball?
Cause they're afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!

What do you call a fish with a tie?

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octupus laugh?
With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing?
Just for the halibut!

Why don't fish play basketball?
Because there afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals?

Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her?
To fish for compliments.

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
Good morning ladies.

What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall?

Whats the best way to catch a fish?
Have some one throw it at you.

How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell a whale of a tale.

What happens when you drink like a fish?
You piss like a fire hose.

Did you know the Octopus is the only fish that can squirt ink?
Just Squidding.

What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!

Why don't fish pass their exams?
Because they work below C-Level.

Why did the octopus cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?

How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance.

Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A Mer-Maid

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the oceans bottom.

Why do oysters go to the gym?
It's good for the mussel.

Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronze fish.

How did the fish find the World Wide Web?
In a Net.

What happens when you put nutella on salmon?
You get salmonella

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!

Did you hear about the fight in the kitchen?
A fish got battered.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

How does a seahorse quickly get from one place to another?
He scallops!

Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
He pulled a muscle

What do you call a fish that knows addition?
An Octoplus.

How do fish travel long distances?
They whale (hail) a cab.

What do you call a fish with two knees?
A tunee fish.

What party game do fish like to play?
Salmon Says.

Why are fish such intelligent creatures?
Because they swim in schools!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide!

Where do women keep their money when underwater?
In a octurpurse.

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

Why don't lobsters ever pay retail?
Because they are Sale-fish.

Where do fish sleep?
In a water bed.

How does an octopus go to war?

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!

What kind of fish plays the guitar?

What do you call an underwater transformer?
Octopus Prime.

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?

How do you keep a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!

What do you call a smelly fish?
A stink ray.

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?

What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!

What is a trouts main job?
To keep his daughter off the pole.

What do fish need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea.

Boy: Have u ever been fishing before?
Girl: Why?
Boy: I think we should hook up!

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!

What do you call a fish that destroys Japan?

What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!

Who keeps the ocean clean?
A mermaid.

Where do fish go to do yoga?
The river bend

Where do fishes work?
The Offish

What do naked fish play with?

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!

Have you heard about the Sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish!

What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab?
Snappy answers.

How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?

Have you ever heard of the gold fish that went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronze fish

What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus?
A coat of arms.

Which day do fish hate?

What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift?
A plastic Sturgeon.

What kind of fish only swims in hot oil?
Fish Sticks.

What did the people say when they were waiting for the dolphins to jump?
Water they waiting for!

What kind of fish chase mice?

What do you call a talking crustacean?
Holy Crab.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

What is the most expensive kind of fish?
a goldfish

Why did the fish go to Hollywood?
He wanted to be a starfish!

What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.

What do you call an underwater social network?

Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station!

How did the marine mollusk get into college?
Apparently it got in on a scallopship!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse!

Me: When you look at your fish sticks what do you see?
Friend: I just seafood (see food)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fish who?
Bless you.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-ish

There's plenty of fish in the sea... Just be careful not to catch crabs.

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other "Can you drive this thing?"

Our asking, "Where is God?" is like a fish asking, "Where is water?"

A fish and a crab were playing with a ball. Then the crab wouldn't toss the ball back to the fish. The fish cried, "You're shellfish!".

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

I always lose at connect four, tic tac toe, go fish. & relationships.

there's plenty of fish in the sea, but you're my nemo.

Men are like fish neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again.

There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.

My disney channel was "Even Stevens", "That's so Raven", & "Lizzie McGuire" It didn't involve talking fish or 11 year olds in high school.

Instead of a cat, buy your kid a fish. It's easier to flush.

I got 99 problems but a fish aint one

Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Ice Fishing
A newfie went ice fishing.
Heard a voice." There's no fish there"
Gets up, goes a few feet further. Digs a hole and starts fishing again.
Again, he hears the voice.
"There's no fish there"
Newfie looks up, is that you Lord
No, said the voice.
"Its the Manager of the Arena."

Tap Dance
An octopus walks up to sign up for a tap-dance competition.
But the Person who's doing auditions says "No"
The octopus says: "Why? Is it because I'm an Octopus?"
The guy says "No."
The octopus replies "Well why then?"
The guy says "It's because you'd have a leg-up in the Competition."

Joke Generators: