Bear Jokes

Q: How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod?
A: With your BEAR hands.

Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo

Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do you call a bears without ears?
A: B's

Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!

Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear

Q: How do you apologize to a koala?
A: BEAR your heart and soul.

Q: Why don't bears like fast food?
A: Because they can't catch it!

Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Q: What does pooh eat at parties?
A: blue bear-y pie.

Q: What do polar bears have for lunch?
A: Ice burger!

Q: What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
A: Peter Panda.

Q: Why did the bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was polar.

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

Q: What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
A: Bipolar.

Q: Why didn't the baby leave his momma?
A: Because he couldn't bear it!

Q: What do you call a freezing bear?
A: A brrrrrrr.

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, GO!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they're in black and white.

Q: How did the panda lose his dinner?
A: He was "Bamboozled"!

Q. What do you get when you cross a bear with a garden?
A. Squash!

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a grizzly an Apple?
A: It didn't bear fruit.

Q: What did the teddy bear say after dinner?
A: I'm stuffed.

Q: Why did the bear cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off!

Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the PU!

Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh

Q: What is as big as a bear but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!

Q: What do you call a grizzly bear in a phone booth?
A: Stuck!

Q: What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
A: Hunny!

Q: What do you need for a wedding in the jungle?
A: A Flower gorilla and a ring bear.

Q: What do you call a bear that changes his mind every couple of minutes?
A: A bi-polar bear.

Q: When does a bear play the harmonica?
A: Bearrific Bluesday.

Q: What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A: A Furrari.

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What time is it when a bear sits on your bed?
A: Time to get a new bed!

Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket?
A: Just the "Bear" necessities.

Q: Why did the bear get so scared?
A: Because he looked in the mirror

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

I invited a teddy bear round for dinner yesterday. I offered him some food but he said no thanks I'm stuffed

yo mama so fat she sat on a bear and turned it into rug

A sloth in a tree bears fruit.

This arguing is becoming unbearable.

Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to the national park, the bears hide thier food.

The Woods
Two guys are walking thru the woods when they see a charging Grizzly Bear.
First guy says "Run for it!"
Second guy says, "You can't outrun a Grizzly!"
First guy says "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU."

Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the bear. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet bear walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my bear."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the bear falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a bear."

Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Once upon a time their was three bears.
They decide to take a walk in the woods as their porridge cools. When they get back they are surprised.
Daddy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge"
Mummy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge"
Baby bear said "Never mind about the porridge who's nicked the TV"

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him.
"Are you a bear?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The bear replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a baby bear in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that bear?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the bear again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that bear to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

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