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What does a waiter use for birth control?
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.
Two girls: "A tray of sushi, please."
Waiter: "To eat or to post photos of on Instagram?
What do you call an Arizona State grad with a bottle of champagne?
Why was the waiter so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 9 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant?
Do you know how to save a drowning waiter?
Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a waiter and a accountant?
The accountant knows he is boring.
What did the waiter say to the horse?
I can't take your order. That's not my stable.
What did the man say to his midget waiter?
No No No I said I wanted shrimp for dinner!
What do you have when 100 waiters are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a waitress and a pit bull?
"Sorry, waiter, I asked for the hamburger without the bun"
"My apologies, no bun intended"
In Hungary there is a restaurant, where the waiter along with your bill gives you three dice. If you hit three sixes then the meal is on the house.
You don't know the definition of heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food, but then take a sharp turn to a different table.
I have never been in love..... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Whenever I'm serving an uptight vegan, I tend to walk on eggshells...which really upsets them.
Fly In My Soup
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup?
Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiteress, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"I think it's doing the backstroke!"
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I forgot about it when I removed the other three.
"Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?"
"So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm."
Waiter, this soup tastes funny !
Then why aren't you laughing?
Waiter, there is a Flea in my Chili Peppers
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean enchilladas sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Well hop off and get me a steak!
Waiter, there is a fly in the butter!
Yes sir, it's a butterfly!
"Waiter, will my pizza be long?"
"No sir, it will be round!"
Waiter, there is a dead fly swimming in my soup!
Don't be silly, dead flies can't swim !
Waiteress, there is a caterpillar in my salad!
I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise you where a vegetarian!
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
"Waiter, I can't eat this food, it's terrible."
Waiter: "Well its no good complaining to me, I won't eat it either."
Waiter, waiter, what's wrong with these eggs?
I don't know Sir, I only laid the table.
A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the waiter right behind her.
Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop That!"
To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiteress, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I’m a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiteress turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
Waiters at a small restaurant in a strip mall were dismayed when a brand new corporate chain opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read TGIF FRIDAYS. They were horrified when another corporate chain opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading RUBY TUESDAYS. The waiters at the small restaurant panicked, until they got an idea. They put up the biggest sign of all over their restaurant it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
Two waiters go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the waiters, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, the first waiter jams something in the other waiters hand. Without looking down, the other waiter whispers, "What is this?" to which the first waiter replies, "It's your share of the tips from that party of 12."
Two bankers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The bankers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
Worst Blind Date Ever
A man and a woman gets set up on a blind date. The man decides to impress the lady by taking her to an expensive restaurant.
Man: "Yes, I will have the Kobe skirt steak with Spring Garlic Risotto."
Waiter: And the lady will be having.
Man: THIS DICK! (forces high five upon waiter)
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
Waiter I get my hands on you!
Waiter minute while I tie my shoelaces
A straight guy walks into a bar and a couple steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the transvestite waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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