Taxi Cab Jokes
Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A taxi driver.
What's worse than it raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs!
How many taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to overcharge for the bulb.
What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head?
A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.
Why didn't the platypus pay the taxi driver?
Because he only had a one-dollar-bill!
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy?
Chemotaxis
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call out "Taxi!"
Going the extra mile is not always a good thing. Just ask any taxi driver.
The Perfect Man
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm going to marry his widow next week."
Made In Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The Nun
A nun is standing on the sidewalk trying to hail down a taxi one evening.
A taxi finally pulls over to pick her up. As they pull away the driver asks "Where you want to go sister?"
The nun replies "back to the convent on St. Mary street"
So they continue on their destination and the taxi driver can't help but notice how pretty she looked.
He says, "you know sister, one of my lifetime fantasies was to kiss a nun."
The nun replies and says "well, you know although it would be going against the rules of the church, I could make your fantasy come true, but under a couple of conditions"
So the taxi driver with delight says "and what would may that be sister?"
"Well, you must go to church and you can't be married." says the nun.
The taxi driver says "Yes I go to church and no I'm not married."
So they both agree to pull into a dark alley where the taxi driver starts to give the nun a very passionate kiss. After he was done he says "Wow that was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life!" "but, sister I do have a confession, I really don't go to church and I'm happily married with two beautiful children"
The nun replies, "That's ok mister, cause my name is Dean Pelton and I'm really on my way to a costume party."
Hearse Driver
There was a hearse driver and he had driven a hearse for 25 years and today was his first day as a taxi driver and he was very nervous. So he picked up a man and was driving to his destination but as they were driving there the man in the back seat wanted to ask him a question and tapped him on the shoulder! The driver crashed the taxi he was so mortified.
Hooker
A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Bowling Buddies
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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