How do you know your cat is done cleaning herself?
She's smoking a cigarette.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.
What do you say when you see the Pope lighting up?
What's the difference between the New England Patriots and cigarettes?
Eli Manning doesn't smoke cigarettes.
What do you give a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
You are to little to smoke!
Why should One Direction be renamed Malboro?
Because they are a pack of #@gs.
What did the blonde write on the bottom of her swimming pool?
Did you see the Robin Williams movie about smoking?
It's called "I'm on the Patch Adams".
What do ducks smoke?
How can you tell a brunette is really a natural blonde?
She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.
I'm trying to quit smoking, wanna give me a new oral fixation?
I'm sorry miss, but the sign says NO SMOKING......and you are definitely SMOKIN.
Girls that smoke weed > Girls who smoke cigarettes.
Yo momma is like a cigarette, I have her 40 times a day and she's killing me.
I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl. Until I asked her if she had papers and she ran off.
I'm so lazy I have a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Whenever Chuck Norris puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.
You have to smoke a couple of bowls before Thanksgiving dinner. I can't think of a better time to have the munchies.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high and dropped his fly
and Jill said "Where’s The Beef?"
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,
"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your head in!"
Who CAME First?
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.
The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face.
The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.
The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed.
They decided to ask their superior for permission.
The first asked but was told no.
A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked.
His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
Two Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Marie: What's that?
Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Marie: Where did you get it?
Edith: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
15 Ways Philip Morris is "Working to Make a Difference"
15. Virginia Slims cigarette paper now ribbed for her pleasure.
14. Quality programming for kids provided by new "Nick-o-Teen"
13. Hiring O.J. Simpson's detectives to find "the real killers"
12. Launching of the Chinese "Joe Panda" campaign.
11. Buying up all existing copies of "The Insider" and donating
them to deserving children from Borneo and Tibet.
10. "Marlboro Miles" can no longer be used to purchase Pokemon
9. For every 1,000 cartons sold, 1 carton donated to the American
8. "Benson & Hedges" brand renamed to more kid-friendly "Calvin &
7. For poor people who can't afford to eat *and* smoke, free
cigarette included in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes.
6. New slogan: "Cigarettes don't kill people - GUNS kill people!"
5. Considering a campaign to keep cigarettes out of the hands of
4. Investing millions in ad campaign: "A Big Mac?! Christ,
that'll REALLY kill ya!"
3. Raleigh's new William Morris Park paved with tar exhumed from
Yul Brynner's lungs.
2. Bribes for politicians now wrapped in 100% recycled envelopes.
1. New ad campaign for 2000: "You don't have to smoke just
because all the really cool kids do."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for
ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even find you in contempt of the
court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the
courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,"
said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find
to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."