Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the 'p' is silent.
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
An elevator walks into a psychiatrist office and says, hey Doc i think I'm out of control.
The Doctor replies your an elevator in your line of work your going to have your ups and downs!
What do you call a student that got C's all the way through med school?
Hopefully not your psychiatrist.
Why did the doctor send the expression to a psychiatrist?
Because it wasn't rational.
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
They sent me to see a shrink. Why didn't they shrink the amount of the bill?
I've decided I don't have bipolar disorder, I must have Down's Syndrome. 'cause I can handle the up's but not the down's!
Psychiatrist to his blonde nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
When two egotists meet, itís an I for an I.
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,"
The psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"
A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.
Her husband asked her, "How it went?".
She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
Last week my shrink asked me if i heard voices in my head.
I told her no, but that i could hear the voices in HER head.
She didn't laugh, so I diagnosed her with having HDD.
She asked what that was?
I told her that HDD was humour deficit disorder! and she had a bad case of it.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a
patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never
have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then
became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with
my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was
now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my
daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my
stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told
you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also
became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she
is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my
stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on
just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my
step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but
I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in
Psychiatry and Proctology
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr.
Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed
"Hysteria and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and A**holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled
on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
A blonde is speaking to his psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
A very busty young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.