What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
Why is Facebook like jail?
You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Why was the parrot in prison?
Because it was a jail-bird.
Why did the belt get arrested?
Because he held up a pair of pants.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail?
Silly Con Valley.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What do you give prisoners for dessert?
What distinction does OJ hold in jail?
He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills?
OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
How do you know if a prison guard is gay?
The smell of his mustache.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot?
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!"
The little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None they just beat the room for being black.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I was drunk when I had my drivers license picture taken. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.
Drug dealers are always late, if your drug dealer is on time, its the police.
The Police sent me a picture of me speeding. So I sent them a picture of a check. They sent me a picture of handcuffs :(
I wanna stick my "Sorcerer's Stone" in your "Chamber of Secrets" and release "The Prisoner of Azkaban" into your "Goblet of Fire" giving the "Order of the Phoenix" making my "Half Blood Prince" rise and give you the "Deathly Hallows"
If weed was legal, the police could actually spend their time catching REAL criminals...not ones that sit on their couch and eat snacks.
I don't have a drug problem, I have a police problem.
O and o
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and pursued them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the
judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you
do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and
"This is your asshole before prison...."
Prison or Work
When you think about the differences between
work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the door yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars
from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and
go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin."
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...
"I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
"A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.
Woman: Honey you no im a virgin and i no nothing about sex.. explain
Man: Honey lets put it this way your privates a prison and mines a prisoner so you put the prisoner in the prison
So they have sex for the first time then the man gets tired to take a break the woman says honey the prisoner escaped so they have sex again then he took his dick out for a while because he was so exhausted and the woman says "Honey the prisoner escaped again."
Man: ITS NOT A LIFE LONG SENTENCE OK!
A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
A cop pulled me over on the road; I was speeding.
He said: "Papers.".
I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away."
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just
gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex
from the rear?"
"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front
of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years
of his life sentence in prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!
Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too."
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!"
They all look and the American runs away.
Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!"
They all hit the dust and the German escapes.
Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."
So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense.
He didnít want to spend a day in jail.
But his lawyer told him, "Donít worry. There's no way you'll go to jail with all that money."
And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didnít have a dime.
Twenty Years Ago
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
The Jail Warden asks the death row inmate what he would like as his last meal.
Inmate replies 'strawberries'. Warden says 'but strawberries are out of season' for 6 months.
Inmate replies, 'I'll wait'!