I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper!
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
Girlfriend: Baby, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be?
Boyfriend: A joke.
Woman: Should I have a baby after 35?
OB/GYN: No, 35 children is enough.
Girl: Mom I'm pregnant again!! It must be something in the air!
Mom: Yeah....your legs.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
What do you give a new mom so she's ready for anything?
A diaper bag of tricks.
What part of biology class do pregnant women fret?
The sea section.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
Husband: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
Doctor: So what's your question?
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your girlfriend is pregnant.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How do you get a whore pregnant?
Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
ASIAN PREGNANCY TEST: Put an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she is pregnant.
Yo momma so fat, she gets confronted every time she drinks or smokes because everyone thinks shes pregnant.
Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls
3 Pregnant Women
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".