Police Jokes

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A football player, an illegal immigrant, and a Muslim are in a car whose driving?
The Police Officer.

What's black and always in the back of a police car?
The seat.

Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
Me: "Tits."

Q: What do you call a female police officer who plays guitar?

Police: "Open up!" ...
Me: "NO! You're gonna yell at me

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

What did the Missouri sheriff call the black teen who had been shot 12 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

(Police sirens)
Police: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Because you were bored and wanted someone to talk to?

Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

What do you call a fat white cop?
Porky pig

How do you know if a police officer is gay?
The smell of his mustache.

Cop: "Were going to have to give you a drug test."
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"

What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot?
A cellfie.

Why did the book join the police?
He wanted to go undercover!

Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
To do his duty.

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None they just beat the room for being black.

Did you hear about the mask police?
They are taking Karen out of business (every day),
Taking Karen out of business and working overtime.

Who do you call when Zika infected mosquitoes attack?
The SWAT team.

WHAT do you call an officer with bugs?

Why did the cops go to the baseball game?
Because they heard someone was stealing a base.

Why was the police officer sleeping on the job?
He was under cover.

What did the Probation Officer say to his client after he failed a piss test?
"You Dipstick!"

What is the four food groups of police officers?
Jelly, powdered, glazed and chocolate frosted.

What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Police

What is it called when a cop puts a criminal in police vehicle?

Why are police officers excellent volleyball players?
Because they know how to serve and protect.

Why did the cat get pulled over by the police?
Because it "littered"

What did the blonde police officer say to his belly button?
Your under avest.

Why does a police officer go by numbers?
Because they never learned the alphabet.

How do cops greet people?
Policed to meet you!

Can a cop drive with an open container?
Only if it's an open container of whoop ass.

What do you call a police officer in a sleeping bag?
Pig in a blanket

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

An officer came up to me and asked, "Where were you between 4 and 6?"
I responded, "Kindergarten."

Call the police and start a search party because I cant find my self esteem

Dear rappers, please stop putting police sirens in your music. When I'm driving it scares the crap out of me.

Only 2% of wealthy people say they fear the police; 94% of working class people fear the police.

Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

That awkward moment when you see police and feel guilty even though you haven't done anything.

How do police officers hand cuff a one armed man

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

A police officer arrested me for playing chess in the middle of the road yesterday, I asked him; "is it cos I am black?"

I was drunk when I had my drivers license picture taken. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.

Drug dealers are always late, if your drug dealer is on time, its the police.

you stink so bad that when the cops pull you over the dont say freeze they say fafrabreeze.

It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio

"Why do all cops, farts stink?" Because their pigs!

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I'm always relieved when I see police that aren't looking for me.

The Police sent me a picture of me speeding. So I sent them a picture of a check. They sent me a picture of handcuffs :(

The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there.

Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they still want the confession.

Police in India are being paid to grow mustaches because it commands them more respect.

If weed was legal, the police could actually spend their time catching REAL criminals...not ones that sit on their couch and eat snacks.

Dear Police officer who asked me to say the alphabet backwards: The alphabet backwards.

I don't have a drug problem, I have a police problem.

The toilets were stolen from the police station. The cops have nothing to go on.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Police who?
"Police let me in it's raining out here!"
"Police (please) open the door"

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Dishes who?
Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.

The Hitchhiker
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying.
The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks.
The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."
The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

Gas Station
One day, a Man was filling his gas tank at a Gas Station;
he filled the tank so full that gasoline got on his shirt sleeve;
unaware that there was gasoline on his sleeve, he lit a cigarette and his sleeve caught fire,
so he jumped into his car, waved his arm up and down in an effort to put out the flames.
He looked into his rear view mirror and saw red, white and blue lights flashing and heard a police siren;
the Policeman pulled him over, got out of his Patrol Car, and arrested the driver for having an illegal Firearm.

Highway Patrol
A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday.
I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Police Harassment
A game warden came across a young man who happened to be duck hunting.the officer picked up a duck, slipped a finger up the ducks rear and said "Son...this is a geogia duck. Do you have a geogia hunting license?"
The boy says "I dont know..let me see..yeeeaah." The officer picks up another duck and again..slips a finger up the ducks rear. he said "Son..this is a florida duck. You have a license to hunt in florida?"
The boy says "I dont know..let me see..yeeeaah".
Again..the officer picks up another duck and again slips a finger up the duck rear. This duck is from louisiana he says..."You have a license to hunt in louisiana?"
The boy says "I dont know..let me see..yeeaah" He says.
The officer is really looking stupid by now and getting agravated. He picks up a goose and once more slips his finger up the rear and says "Son...this goose is from canada..you mean to tell me you have a license to hunt in Canada?"
The boy bows his head and says "I dont know..let me see..yeeaah". The aggrivated officer replies "Dang son..your hunting everywhere.just where are you from?"
The aggrivated boy turns around and drops his pants and says "your so dang good..you tell me!"

Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Female Sheriff
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin."

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...

"I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.

Plain Vs Glazed
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

The Juggler
A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Three People
Once upon a time there were three people Fuck Off, Shit and Manners.
Shit fell over so manners went to help him up while fuck off called an ambulance, while waiting for the ambulance he bumped into a policeman.
The policeman asked him his name and he said fuck off then the policeman asked him where are your manners and fuck off said picking up shit.

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that tiger?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

A woman is pulled over for speeding. The cop talks to her and she says she has a dead man in the trunk.
The cop rushes back to his car and radios the police station. He tells the cops that she was speeding and has a dead man in the trunk.
The police station wants to speak with her so he hands her the radio.
She says that she would never have a dead body in the trunk, and tells the cop to go and check.
He does and there is nothing there. He reports this to the police station, and they want to speak to the woman again, and the blonde says: He probably told you I was speeding too...

Farmer's Wife
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Police Chase
Two Redneck Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang East on I-20 toward Georgia.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Helpful Wife
A man is pulled over by a police officer and a conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Steven. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Steven, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Steven, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Bobby & Earl
Two rednecks, Bobby and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bobby, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bobby," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bobby.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

Drunk Driving

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked?
He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A man just bought a shiny new Corvette, and wanted to open her up down the freeway. It was about 3am, and he pressed his luck that there were no cops on the overpasses that early in the morning.
So, the man lead-footed the Corvette down the highway. Sure enough there was a cop with his radar gun, who caught him red-handed, and pulled him over.
The cop walks up to the guys window, and asks him why he was going so fast?
The man tells the cop that he was running late to work.
Cop says "Well, what do you do for a living?
Guy says "Well officer, I'm a Rectum Stretcher.
The cop is confused as hell and says "What the hell is a freaking Rectum Stretcher?"
Guy explains. "First you stick your equipment in there, and spread it out, and you keep worki'n it slowly until you get it stretched all the way out 'till it's six feet long."
Cop is really intrigued at this time. He asks: "What do you do with a six foot asshole?
Guy responds: "You give it a badge, patrol car and a radar gun. Then you park it on a bridge.

Pulled Over
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Police Patrol

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Chap walking through the park at night hears a lady's voice in the bushes! "Fancy a good time, only 5 quid?"
"Why not",he thinks
He is just about to grope the lady when a policeman shines his torch!
"What's going on?",asked the policeman
"Do you mind",replied the chap, "I am about to have sex with my wife!"
"Sorry",said the policeman "didn't realise it was your wife!"
"Neither did I till you shone your bloody torch!" responded the husband.

Three Little Boys
When 3 little boys named shut up mind your own beezwax and troule were playing basketball they threw the basketball and hit a cop car

COP:what are your names?

Shut up:shut up mind your own beezwax and trouble

Cop:are you looking for trouble?

Shut up:hes right here

Pulled Over
A cop pulled me over on the road; I was speeding.
He said: "Papers.".
I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away."

A hippie was speeding across the Golden Gate Bridge in a 1968 Volkswagon when he sees a cop with a radar gun. The cop flags him over and walks up to the window and says, sir, I clocked you at 70 miles per hours and based on the car you are driving, I bet you don't have a drivers license. The hippie replies, I have a license and gives to the cop. Cop says, yea, well I bet you don't have insurance. The hippie pulses out his insurance card. Cop says, based on your long hair, my guess is you don't have a job.

The hippie replies,I have a job, I am an asshole stretcher. Cop says, what does an asshole stretcher do. Hippie says, I take an asshole and stretch it 6 feet. Cop says, what do you do with a 6 foot asshole. Hippie replies, I give it a badge, a ticket book and a radar gun.

Police Humor
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

Donut Shop
A guy gets chased down by a cop at 8 AM Sunday morning.
He gets pulled over, and cop asks him where he was headed.
Guy says 'I was on my way to donut shop' cop asks the guy 'why were you going 110mph to the donut shop?'
Guy replies 'because if I didn't beat you there, there won't be any donuts left'

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