Pirate Jokes

Why are pirates called pirates?
Cause they arrrrr.

Q: What did the first mate see down the toilet?
A: the captins log

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

What does a Jewish pirate say?
Ahoy vey!

What's a pirate favorite country?

What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain Hooky!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey (I'm eighty).

What is a pirates favorite Star Wars character?

Where Dose Pirates Shop.

How do you save a drowning pirate?

Why did the pirate go to college?
to become an arrrrrrchitect!

Why are pirates movies the coolest?
They just ARRRRRRRR!

Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr

What did the pirate say to his insecure wench?
"Your perfect just the way you Arrrrrr!"

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
No it's the C (sea), my love.

Why did the pirate go on vacation?
He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

What's a pirates favorite restraunt?

How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg!

Why are pirates so eco-friendly?
They always follow the three arrrrrrrs.

what is a pirates favorite doll?

Why do Pirates cry on their own?
Because they have private tears.

How does a pirate get to the airport?
A carrrggghhh.

How good was the pirates golf game?

What does a Pirate Santa say...?
"Row row row.."

What did the pirate say to the sumo wrestler?
You sure arrrrr fat.

How much is a pirate willing to pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear!

What does a pirate steal in his spare time?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Yo mama so fat her favorite pirate is chips ahoy.

(Carly Jepsen - Call Me Maybe)
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy,
I'm a pirate, so call me matey.

A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, did you know there is a a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate goes "ARRRRGGGG and it's driving me nuts!"

Pirate Pick Up Lines
"I'm just a love pirate lookin' for some booty."

You must be a pirate, because you can swash my buckle any day.

Are you a pirate because I'm wondering were you got that booty.

That pirate outfit looks really hot on you. Wanna search me for buried treasure?

Are you a pirate?
{she replies no why?}
Cause i am diggin your booty.

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go fuck herself."

No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

One Wish
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."

Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
"oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?"
The kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"

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