A mechanic and a NASCAR fan get in a fight, who wins?
How do you break a mechanics finger?
Kick him in the ass.
How do you get a mechanic out of the bath tub?
Throw in a bar of soap and get out of the way.
How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
What do you call an Oscar winning film about mechanics?
Lord of the Springs.
What do you call a movie about bad mechanics?
The Last and the Furious.
A Blonde told her girlfriend,
"I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of
a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was
standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you?
"Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic
was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open
hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby
will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is
doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound.
So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"
The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so."
The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! (Penguins just LOVE Ice cream.) So he says "OK I'll be back."
He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream.
He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?"
"Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The mechanic fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The mechanic said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"