Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What does marriage do?
Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
How do you properly make love to a fat woman?
Roll her around in flour and find the wet spot!
Whats the definition of a happy marriage?
One where the husband gives and the wife takes.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
Who is the perfect husband?
One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor?
When her husband is away on business!
What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
How did the girl get a prince to fall in love with her?
She wore a raspberry beret.
What did the condom say to the erection?
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them!
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the ideal marriage?
One between a deaf man and a blind woman
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why do men love big tits and a tight ass?
Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
What does a good employee and a lousy lover have in common?
They're always coming early.
What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
What do pizza lovers order?
Truly Madly Deep Dish Pizza.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking?
By getting Married!
What happened when two vampires went on a blind date?
It was love at first bite!
What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.
Why did the cowboy have shit in his mustache?
Cause he'd been lookin' for love in all the wrong places.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spit, swallow, and gargle.
What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?
Cumming of Age.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What kind of rings do men need for marriage
Making Love is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don't Multiply!
Boy: Have u ever been fishing before?
Boy: I think we should hook up!
"Owl always love you"
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
True love is when your pet comes to your room on its own.
Roses are red, violets are blue, if you love Star Wars, may the force be with you.
Stop with all the bread jokes. I don't love bread, I loaf it
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
= Love Is For Everyone
Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back.
Love has 4 letters, but then again so does beer.
I love strong, powerful mothers. They can open jars without my help.
Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as shit.
Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes...
Screw love, give me food...
The refrigerator is a clear example that what's on the inside is what really counts.
One dollar said to the other, our love does not makes cents it makes dollars.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
"Girl, this isnt a beer belly, its a fuel tank for my love machine!
"Let it rain, let it pour, because you don't love me anymore."
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.
My love for you is like a concave function's positive first derivative, because it's always increasing.
I love you with all my boobs, I would say heart, but my boobs are bigger.
The best way to propose to a woman is to carry her on a boat, paddle the boat to the middle of the river then tell her "Marry me or get off my boat"
Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don't work out.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Ohio State Buckeyes fan and he was a Michigan Wolverines fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Buckeyes fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Ohio State Buckeyes fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO SPARTANS!"
Women Love Poems
Michael: Why you white guys always so happy?
Casey: Because I make love to my wife every morning before work.
Michael: Say whaaat? You get her to make love EVERY morning? How do you do that?
Casey: It's easy, I just say a poem, women love poems and will fall for them all the time.
Michael: Ok, what kind of poem can you say to make her make love every morning?
Casey: I say, "blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes of blue, I love to wake up and make love to you.
Michael: HAHAAA she falls for that?
Casey: yes you should try it.
NEXT DAY TYRONE COMES IN WITH BLACK EYE FAT LIP AND A TOOTH MISSING.
Casey: What happened to you?
Michael: Well, I said a poem to my wife and she didn't like it.
Casey: She didn't like it??? What did you say?
Michael: Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over I would do you like a dog.
One time when I was talking to my mom's co-worker he said that he had no friends.
He said that all of his friends were either married or dead.
And my friend who is with me says to him "What's the difference?"
Adam & Eve
One day adam was asking god questions, he says to god "Lord, why did you make eve so beautiful" god said," so you would love her"
Adam asks "Lord,why did you make her feel so soft and nice" god said "so you would love her"
Adam said, "But lord,why did you make her so dumb" god said, "so she would love YOU"
A husband and wife were in bed watching tv.
The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels.
The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby.. "Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish."
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
Fishing vs Sex
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Husband Wife Jokes