Judge Jokes


What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call a judge with no balls?
Justice Prick

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.

What does a judge put in her beverages?
Just ice.

How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge?
She dropped her briefs.

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

Why does Lindsay Lohan want to pose naked for Playboy?
The judge told her to stop using crack and start showing it?

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
-Henry Youngman

Confucius says, "Women who sit on judges lap, get honorable discharge".

Yo mom so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest they said you should be a judge.

Custody Case
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

O and o
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them,
"This is your asshole before prison...."

Shoplifting
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?"
And she says "I was hungry."
The judge says "What did you take?"
She replys, "A can of peaches."
So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?"
The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served.
The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband says your honor, "She stole a can of peas too"

Child Welfare
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Female Sheriff
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin."

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...

"I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.

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