Q: Why do Grandpas smile all the time?
A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Q: When is your grandpas bedtime?
A: Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
Q: Why do grandpas count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.
Q: What's the worst part about being grandpa?
A: You have to sleep with grandma.
Q: When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?
A: Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
What do you call a Pixar movie about your grandpa?
Grandpa: "WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WIGGLE YEAH!"
Grandson: Grandpa PLEASE put your pants back on!
The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.
Everytime I go to a wedding my grandpa pokes me and says, " You're Next" So then everytime i go to a funeral with him, i poke him and say, " You're next."
Grandpa: "Look they made a movie about The Smurfs grown up"
Son: Grandpa Please shhhhhhh, that's Avatar...
"You're So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon
"How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees
"I Can't See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash
"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra
"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores
"I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles
"Talking' ‘Bout My Medication" by the Who
"Bald Thing" by the Troggs
"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones
"I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" by Marvin Gaye
A dying grandfather tells his grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandpa, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With his last breath, Grandpa whispered, "Facebook..."
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"
103 Years Old
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.
He simply replied, "No peer pressure."
A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass.
Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife's ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The Grandma replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Brand New Hearing Aid
An Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.
The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the elderly man replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests.
First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium.
"Yankee Stadium!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Yankee Stadium?"
"Then I'll be sure my son visits me once a week."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
There was a grandpa sitting on his porch, rocking in his chair, and chewing on a piece of grass, on a beautiful sunny morning.
Down the road comes his grandson, a little 'slow', carrying some chicken wire.
Old man says 'hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that there chicken wire?
The boy answers "Well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some chickens".
The grandpa laughs, shakes his head, and dozes off.
Next thing you know, back comes his granson with a whole bunch of chickens under his arm.
The grandpa shakes his head and wonders.
Next day, the grandpa is rocking on his porch, and sure enough his grandson comes down the road, carrying 2 rolls of duct tape.
The old man says "hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?"
The boy replies, "well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some ducks".
The grandpa laughs again, shakes his head and dozes off.
Next thing dont ya know his grandson comes back with a whole bunch of ducks under his arm.
Now the grandpa is like wow, ok, he is lucky I guess.
The next day, the grandpa is rocking away looking down the street and here comes his grandson again.
The grandpa says " hey junior, whatcha got under your arm there?"
The boy answers, "well grandpa, I got me some pussy willows".
The grandpa gets up quick off his chair and yells, "hold on junior, let me get my coat."